Five albums from 2013 that you should exchange money for

5. 'Heartthrob' - Tegan and Sara

I couldn't stop listening to this album for the entire summer of 2013. This album is the definition of 'Pop Perfection', and I'm looking forward to the sequel. Tegan and Sara are great and you should definitely check them out, because they are the only two lesbians I'm not terrified of (just kidding) (kind of).

4. 'Samson & Delilah' - VV Brown

This is a beautiful album. Not many artists make me feel excited about their future in the music industry, but VV Brown delivered better than any postal service in the world. She has got me excited about her future. I want to marry her (no hetero).

3. 'ARTPOP' - Lady Gaga 

 Obviously.

2. 'True Romance' - Charli XCX

The fact that this album debuted at number 85 makes me feel really sad. Why do most people buy shit pop music? She is a brilliant songwriter and if I was a female popstar, this is what my first album would sound like.

1. 'Night Time, My Time' - Sky Ferreira

I don't know why you are still reading this post when you've just been given easy access to a song from the best album of 2013. I have three words for you: 'fucking', 'amazing and 'ecstasy'.

Why Beyonce is basically Jesus

A couple of days ago, Beyoncé decided to release an album, just out of the blue (Ivy). It's a pretty fantastic album. She shook and woke up the world with an album, which is the best way to be awoken. The album consists of 14 songs and 17 videos, which is how a pop album should be done. It's called 'BEYONCÉ' which is quite shit, isn't it? But it'll do because its BEYONCÉ!

I've already talked about my favourite songs of 2013, but you can always rely on Beyoncé to come and snatch the weaves' of basic pop bitches. The album features help from Pharell, Drake and Jay-Z, but for me, it's all about Bey. Her vocals have never sounded purer or more amazing, the videos are stunning and I've been internally squealing for the past 2 days

Here are some bullet-pointed lists about the new album:

The good things about 'BEYONCÉ'

• It's Beyoncé.
• The element of surprise.
• The songs are pretty good.
• 'Drunk in Love' is a fucking tune.
• It's Beyoncé.
• She has collaborated with my Odd Future Prince Frank Ocean.
• She knows how to do trap music correctly.
• #FEMINISM
• The videos are pretty good.
• It's Beyoncé

The bad things about 'BEYONCÉ'

• The album artwork is pretty shit.
• The title
• It could do with some bangers.
• There are no 'Put a Donk on it' moments.
• She's featured her baby on a song.
• "Standing On The Sun" is not on the album.

 My favourite songs on 'BEYONCÉ'

• Pretty Hurts
• Drunk in Love
• Blow
• Partition
• Jealous
• Flawless

My least favourite (but still okay) songs on 'BEYONCÉ'

• No Angel
• Heaven
• Rocket
• Blue

What you will need to listen to 'BEYONCÉ'

• The actual album, which you exchange your money for here.
• 
• 

My ten favourite pop songs of 2013

10. Macklemore & Ryan Lewis - 'Same Love'

'The Heist' by Macklemore & Ryan Lewis is a great album. An album I love from start to finish. This song stuck out to me the most (naturally), because of it's great message. It was so lovely to hear a song about gay & lesbian rights not only being played on Top 40 radio, but doing very well and receiving great feedback. I take my hat off to you Macklemore, even if you did sing 'Thrift Shop'.

 9. Katy Perry - 'Double Rainbow'

No pop music countdown would be complete without Katy Perry. Because I don't really like Roar, I decided to choose my favourite song from the album, 'Prism', called Double Rainbow. This song makes me feel really happy and lyrically, it's just lovely. 

8. BREACH - 'JACK'

This is my favourite 'clubby' song of the year. Not because I'm a massive narcissist and I love how it's named after me, but (contrary to the video) it's just really sexy isn't it? Just for your information, I really like/have a massive crush on the man with the lisp/mustache in the video. Do not question my judgement on boys.

7. Miley Cyrus - 'We Can't Stop'

Even if she's quite provocative, Miley Cyrus is a great pop star. People tend to take pop music too seriously, and not seriously enough. This is a great song, but she needs to stop twerking because I want twerking to not be a 'thing'.

6. Disclosure/Sam Smith/ Nile Rodgers/Jimmy Napes – 'Together'

WARNING: This song will give you a boner.

5. VV Brown - 'The Apple'

It makes me very sad that songs like this don't get a lot more recognition. I'm sure that VV Brown will be huge in the near future. Everyone should have this on their iTunes, so go and exchange your money for this beautiful song.

4. Lady Gaga ft. R.Kelly - 'Do What U Want'

I was on the train to Machester when I heard that my two favourite artists of all time were collaborating. The woman sitting next to me probably thought I was having a seizure before we hit Milton Keynes. This song is dripping in sex, even if Lady Gaga says it isn't about sex. This song got me pregnant and I'm not getting an abortion.

3. Katy B - '3am'

I used to hate Katy B for no reason. Now I'm in love with her. Any woman who can make a song like this will make me question my sexuality (form a line, ladies).

2. Sky Ferreira - 'You're Not The One'

My favourite album of 2013 is 'Night Time, My Time' by this lady. She is amazing and creates the best pop music. This is just a fraction of how amazing her work is. Everyone should go and support her, even though she'll probably spend your money on ecstasy. 

1. Lorde - Royals

I know you're probably rolling your eyes at me for choosing this as my number one song from 2013, but for the amounts of times I've played this whilst smoking a cigarette and acting all pensive, it deserves it. Now go and listen to her entire album you judgmental bunch of arseholes.

PEACE

-JACK

xoxo

2014 POP CULTURE PREDICTIONS

Last year, I predicted the future of pop culture. And unless Mutya-Keisha-Siobhan release an amazing song within this last and remaining month of 2013, then I didn't do very well. But I really enjoyed releasing my inner-Raven Symone and predicting what will happen in the celebrity world. So here we go, here's what I think will happen in 2014:

• Twerking will become illegal in many institutions. People really need to understand that twerking isn't cute, and never will be. The Government will soon realise what it's doing to society and make it against the law to twerk.
• Taylor Swift will shag more boys.
• She will write more songs about the boys she shagged.
• Zac Efron will show the world how amazing he is doing after his drug problem and do an interview with Oprah. 
• Zac Efron will also come out as gay and become my boyfriend.
• Tom Daley will dump his sugar daddy and join Zac and I's relationship.
• There will be another Lindsay Lohan mugshot, and someone will put that mugshot on an actual mug.
• Beyoncé will finally release her much anticipated fifth album, and people will think she is actually Jesus Christ. Amen.
•  Amanda Bynes will have her acting comeback and it will be shit, because she wasn't that good anyway, was she?
• Lady Gaga will cancel her performance on the moon because she realises that she's human and no-one should put themselves in that position unless they have a death wish.
• I will see One Direction and Harry Styles will look at me and say, "Wow, you're beautiful. Want to hang sometime?"
• I will accept his offer.
• We will have sex

So there you go. All of these will happen next year. Are you excited? I am. 

AMA FASHION

On Sunday night, the 2013 AMA's took place in LA and I'm going to be Joan Rivers for a couple hours by judging a celebrity based on the clothes that they wore. Let's get on with it.

Katy Perry is wearing Oscar de la Renta and looks magical. Yes, it does look like a duvet print, but she is making her bed and sleeping in it (shit metaphor, I'm tired).

I really want Emma Roberts to be my friend. I love this Lanvin maxi-dress. In fact, I want it, and I'm a boy.

Lady Gaga wearing Versace (naturally). She look's really pretty, and maintained this in her costume changes throughout the night. I can't get over how much she looks like a young Donatella.

Kelly Osbourne in Rami Al Ali (I think). I don't know if I like this, or completely hate it. The silhouette is weird, and the top half of the dress is really unflattering. But it's cute in a prom-y way.

Ariana Grande in Dolce and Gabbana. Ariana is my favourite popstar of 2013 and this dress is perfect. She looks all woman and a total sexpot. Her stylist finally gets some praise from me. Congratulations, she doesn't look like a fetus.

Miley Cyrus is a simple Vercase Verses pantsuite. I like it. She looks older and more mature than usual, but it's cute. She is serving up executive realness.

Taylor Swift in Julien Macdonald. She looks amazing and I really want her legs. I wish she didn't have that nude triangle by her breasticles though. Would've looked a lot nicer without it.

LADY GAGA - ARTPOP REVIEW

Lady Gaga is finally becoming a force to be reckoned with. After every Madonna comparison, attention grabbing performance and questionable outfit, I feel like she wants to show the world who and what she is as an artist. She has reversed the work of Warhol by putting art into pop instead of pop into art which has constructed this roller coaster album experimenting with different sounds, genre's and themes. Working with producers like Zedd, DJ White Shadow, will.i.am and Madeon, and artists like Jeff Koons and Marina Abramovic, we're in for a treat both sonically and visually. Overall, I'd give this album a B+, but here is a graded track by track review for your pleasure.

1 - Aura (C+)


When this song originally leaked I thought it was bloody fantastic. I was wrong. It's a good song, don't get me wrong. The lyrics are good, especially the "do you want to see me naked lover" bit and the "Dance. Sex. Art. Pop. Tech" chant. But I find it quite a messy song. It's bizarre but a great introduction to a great album

2 - Venus (B-)

Even though not many people like this song, and a lot of people will judge me for giving this song a higher grade than Aura, I think this song is amazing. I saw her preform this song live at G-A-Y in London and it was very good,  I judge a song on how good I think it'll be live. I really like the bit when she names all the planets (including Pluto). It's good isn't it?

3 - G-U-Y (B+)

I was most excited to listen to this song because I fell in love with the snippet she released to get everyone hyped up about ARTPOP. This song is about sex, and it's a very sexy song about sex. The chorus is awesome and I want to have sex to this song immediately. Any offers? Zayn Malik? Zak Efron?

4 - Sexxx Dreams (A)

Another great song about sex. I think Lady Gaga really likes sex. Who wouldn't? Have you seen her boyfriend? But this song is for the lesbians. 'Poker Face' revisited, except a lot better. I really love the lyric "When I lay in bed, I touch myself and I think of you'. There's also an incredible bit in the song where she says "I can't believe I'm telling you this, but I've had a couple of drinks" and it sounds like all you need is alcohol for Lady Gaga to munch your muffin.

5 - Jewels n' Drugs (ft. T.I, Too Short and Twista) (D)

No. Just no. Pop stars should stay away from trap music as much as possible. It's nice to see some gangster rap artists collaborate with the Queen of the gays though.

6 - Manicure (B-)

This song reminds me of her first album The Fame so much. It's girly yet rock in a twisted way. The song is about being cured by a man in a sex way, which is nice. I really like the guitar riffed bridge in this song. Also, this is Adele's favourite if anyone is interested.

7 - Do What U Want (ft. R Kelly) (A+)

This is my jam right here. Two of my favourite artists have had musical intercourse and created this gorgeous baby. This song is about the tabloids not owning an artist for Lady Gaga but for R Kelly it's about sex, which is great for the whole 'ARTPOP could mean anything' concept. It's really catchy, so if you haven't listened to it (do you live under a rock?), be prepared.

8 - ARTPOP (B-)

We've made it to the title track. This song is beautiful. It's nice to see she's realised that you can't change the world with a song, even though she tried amazingly with the 'Born This Way' era. "ARTPOP could mean anything". It reminds me a little of Selena Gomez - Love You Like a Love Song, which I'm sure is unintentional, but I don't mind because that is a great song.

9 - Swine (C-)

This song is very lyrically weird. It's quite a 'banger' as Miley would put it. For some reason it reminds me of poppers, but I wouldn't want to have sex to this song because it's about pigs(ish). There is something good here though. I don't know what it is, but I feel it.

10 - Donatella (A)

Everyone who is reading this will probably judge me for giving this a high grade, but this song is so gay I just had to give it props. This song is an open letter to Donatella Versace but she is also making fun of fashion and model culture. My favourite line is "I am so fab, I'm blonde, I'm skinny, I'm rich and I'm a bit of a bitch." What more do you need in a song? Nothing.

11 - Fashion! (C)

Probably more of an album filler than a hit single. But I like this song because it's very chilled out. It reminds me of Daft Punk. I'm sure this song is a stoner favourite. Although, when I saw the track list for the first time, I was hoping that she'd re-release this song which featured in the film 'Confessions of a Shopaholic'.

12 - Mary Jane Holland (A+)

This song is brilliant. It's produced by Madeon who is my favourite DJ prodigy. When I heard he was going to be collaborating with Gaga on the album, I was so excited. He is a genius and Mary Jane Holland certainly showcases that. This song is about weed by the way. The bridge is bloody phenomenal with this amazing Abba vibe as pointed out by Popjustice. This song is my favourite from the album. Bravo.

13 - Dope (C+)

IT'S A FUCKING BALLAD ABOUT WEED. GREAT. But it's about how love is greater than any drug. GREAT. Probably related to her hot boyfriend again.

14 - Gypsy (A) (listen here)

I really like this song, a lot. Again, produced by Madeon, which is probably why. The song is about the lonely consequences of being famous and how the stage is her home, which is quite nice. She lists a lot of countries at the end which is also, quite nice.

15 - Applause (A-)
A great choice to end the album. Because you must clap at the end of every show.

KATY PERRY - PRISM REVIEW

After listening to Prism, I feel like Katy Perry has finally found herself as an artist. I was originally expecting quite a dark album after the whole divorce thing that happend, but was pleasantly surprised that even though her sound has changed, it's still Katy. It's an uplifting album with great, credible pop music. I will now take you on a journey through the album and express my opinion on each song (One way tickets only and they're non-refundable). I will be rating the songs like a teacher grades an essay because with my beautiful voice (sarcasm), I can only hope Katy see's me as a teacher, role model and best friend. So A+ means brilliant, and F means the biggest pile of bullshit I've ever heard (spoiler alert, there are no F's).

• Roar (A-)

The first single, the opening track and a great song. After listening to the whole album, you can tell she's been inspired by her support acts from the 'California Dreams Tour' (which was pretty amazing), Marina and the Diamonds, Robyn and Oh Land. Katy has embraced their left-field stance on popular music and brought it to the mainstream, which is bloody brilliant. But in terms of the song overall, it does what it says on the tin. A fierce, inspirational jam perfect for the gym, getting work done and anything else you need inspiration for.

• Legendary Lovers (B-)

 Even though I'm kind of over popstars sampling melodies from the East to be controversial, Legendary Lovers is a pretty good example of what it's like when it's done right. On my first listen, I thought this song was pretty shit, but I was wrong and I can only apologise. It's a very pretty song with probably my favourite vocals on the whole album.

• Birthday (D)

I'M SORRY I'M JUST NOT FEELING IT. But just because it's not my cup of tea, doesn't mean it can't be yours. What's peppermint to me, could be your Earl Grey. It sounds like a cheesy song that Butlins would use for their advertising campaign.

 

• Walking On Air (A+)

This song is my personal favourite of Prism and it should be yours too. Why? Well here is a list:

1. It is great for popping that pussy.
2. It has this amazing nineties vibe.
3. I'm almost 80% sure that this song is about anal sex.

If you don't believe me, have a listen. If you don't like it, you're wrong.

• Unconditionally (C-)

It's not that I don't like this song. I think it's a great song, it's sung beautifully and is probably one of the most relatable songs on the album. But I'm quite upset that Katy has chosen this to be the second single off the album. Which is why I decided to give it a C- when it's really a B. I'M BITTER. SO WHAT?

• Dark Horse (ft. Juicy J) (A)

 This is another favourite from the album. The whole 'trap' trend is so yawn, but I find this song bloody brilliant. I'm obsessed with Juicy J and the beats used are amazingly trippy. Even though I'm upset that he's the only collaboration on the album, it's a great collaboration and is not only making me excited to hear some of Juicy J's work but a perfect piece of Prism. Go on, have a listen. You won't regret it.

• This Is How We Do (C+)

 I think I like this song more than I should. It has so much sassitude (great made-up word). It's a very catchy tune and I particulary love the chorus, but I don't like the bit when she's talking to us. In fact I don't like it at all. Which is why I gave it a C+. I'm not a popstar so I can't really judge, but I would of loved this song a lot more without the 'inspiration voice over' BS. I still dig it though.

• International Smile  (B)

This sounds like a 'Teenage Dream' reject and I love it a lot. It's cute and I would love to see this song as a future single. It reminds me so much of Eurovision and the 'cabin crew' speech is the gayest thing you will hear on 'Prism' and I love it (unless 'Walking On Air' is ACTUALLY about anal sex).

•  Ghost (B-)

This song is probably about Russell Brand and you can tell from the start. The first couple of  seconds you'll probably eye roll and wonder why she's turned into Adele. But then the chorus hits us like Rik Waller at an all you can buffet. This song is amazing. I love it.

• Love Me (D)

This song is very chilling and the lyrics are quite nice but I'm not feeling it. Even though you can tell this is more of an album filler than a hit single, the bridge is great. I love the title because it certainly relates to my love affair with Zayn Malik, but this song is the 'basic bitch' in the High School of Prism.

• This Moment (C-)

 Quite a nice power ballad but again, I think we've certainly hit the 'album filler' section of Prism. You can tell that only the super fans of Katy Perry will be listening to this part of the album next year. That's not necessarily a bad thing because this song is cute.

• Double Rainbow (B)

I really like this song. Even though it probably won't be a single (but we can all dream). The lyrics are really pretty and the melodies are nice. I like the lyric 'One man's trash is another man's treasure'. Which is ironic because I'm sure most of you don't agree with my grading system throughout this review. OH WELL. THAT'S THE EDUCATION SYSTEM FOR YOU.

• By The Grace Of God (C)

This song is beautiful and I'm sure that it has a lot of fans. But I'm very tired and this is the last song I'm going to review. I'm getting quite sick of ballad-y songs. If you're going to have lots of slow songs, please don't put them one after the other. Spread them out like a sluts legs. People will lose interest. But this song is alright and a nice ending to the album.

MTV VMA's REVIEW (CAITLIN MORAN EDITION)

I woke up on Monday the 26th of August with a very bad hangover and 17 missed calls. Before sorting all that out, I naturally checked twitter to witness the best photo ever of Lady Gaga with One Direction at the MTV VMA's. This got me very excited to watch the actual show. I refused to watch any performance, tried my best not to look at any photos (very hard for a professional fan-girl), or look up who won what award. So I'm going to review the performances from the show and the fashion from the night.

PERFORMANCES

Lady Gaga opened the award show by performing her new single 'Applause' (watch it here) and it was a bloody good performance. I like how she incorporated every single album era that she's been through and ending it in the 'ARTPOP' era. The booing at the start also made me laugh a little, it was just a little 'fuck you' to all the hateful critics.

Miley Cyrus caused a bit of a stir by degrading the entire female population by wearing practically nothing whilst wanking off a Mickey Mouse finger and twerking against Robin Thicke's crotch (watch here). WE GET IT, YOU'RE GROWN UP. Don't get me wrong, I see nothing wrong with nudity. The human body is a beautiful thing and it should be embraced. I find it weird when people are uncomfortable by someones ass crack on TV. Gaga used nudity in her performance and I know I'm probably biased here, but it was tasteful. She looked like she was cut out of Botticelli's "The Birth of Venus." But Miley took it a bit too far. If Robin Thicke was absent from the performance and it was just Miley in that outfit, not as many people would of complained. It was just way too over-sexualised. It's a shame because I really like Miley and I think she has one of the most pure and unique voices in pop music.

Women in popular music are becoming way too slutty, and people find it inspiring because popstars are doing what they want to, when most of these ideas come from male propaganda. It's pretty much impossible to stop degrading women all together, especially in this sex obsessed culture. Over-sexualisation of women has become so extreme that it's time to fight fire with fire. We need to see men being treated the same way women are being treated in music, film and the media. It's unfair to be brainwashing certain traits, stereotypes and expectations to new generations.

Let's stop talking about vagina's for a moment, although it's going to be hard not to because mine was gushing last night during Justin Timberlake's performance (I really am a man, I swear). He won the lifetime achievement award which has something to do with Micheal Jackson for some reason that I do not know. Winning this award, he treated us with a fifteen minute performance of all his classics, three songs from his amazing new album and a little song with NSYNC. HE IS JUST THE BEST POPSTAR EVER ISN'T HE? I love him and want to marry him. Highlights include: The NCYNC reunion, Mirrors, Cry Me a River, My Love & Take Back the Night. Basically, the entire thing.

Now it's time to talk about my favourite part of the show. Macklemore & Ryan Lewis' performance of 'Same Love'. I'm obsessed with Macklemore. He's officially my favourite rap artist ever. The performance was amazing, the song is touching and has a meaning so close to my heart. It's nice to see that songs about gay rights are becoming mainstream. In fact it's amazing, especially in hip hop which is probably one of the most homophobic genre's of music. PLUS JENNIFER HUDSON CAME OUT AT THE END. FUCK. (watch here).

Katy Perry ended the show in front of the Brooklyn Bridge (watch here). Her vocals were on top form and it's so lovely to see that she's growing as an artist even though I'm going to miss that blue wig so much. Roar is an amazing song and I'm very excited to see the music video. Do not disappoint me Perry. I got my eye's on you.

FASHION

Best Dressed

Ellie Goulding (left), Selena Gomez (middle) and Taylor Swift (right).

Worst Dressed

Erin Wasson (left), Miley Cyrus (middle) and Katy Perry (right).

Literal Pop Analysis: Best Song Ever.

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder." Therefore, I decided to turn into a failed pop star and hide away by not blogging for a while, only to have the blogging equivalent of a VMA performance comeback. I'm back and ready to review music because I am a globally known music journalist as most of you know (not really).

One Direction are back with a new single for their new film 'This Is Us'. Instead of being boring and saying whether the song is brilliant (it is) or not, I am going to analyse this song to death. Are you prepared? I feel like you're not. It is advised that you are sitting comfortably and if you're a straight girl or gay boy then put your hand down your crotch cause its One Direction time.

The song overall is pretty much standard One Direction. There's a lot of guitar and drum usage and it's about a girl (*eye roll*) they meet on a night out and they danced all night to a particular song they claim to be 'the best song ever'. Ironically they don't know it goes, but they do remember a certain part with no lyrical meaning (must of been a good night). Serious question time; thoughout their entire discography and song selection, do they sing about the same girl within a particular song? Are they sharing the same girl? Are they singing about individual girls? Is Zayn singing about that slag from Little Mix (I'm not bitter)? Is Harry singing about Caroline Flack? These are all questions that are gagging for answers.

Moving on. To make this a literal review we need to analyse the lyrics. Here is a bullet pointed list of some lyrics and what I think of them:

• "Said her name was Georgia Rose, and her Daddy was a Dentist." - Now, on a night out has anyone you've pulled EVER told you their parents career path? I feel like that would be maybe a second date statement. Also did she say this directly after she introduced herself as Georgia Rose? If so, that's ver strange isn't it?
• "Said I has a dirty mouth, but she kissed me like she meant it." - Ooh Harry, you saucy little minx.
• "I said can I take you home with me, she said never in your wildest dreams" - At least this bitch has morals, although who would say no to someone from One Direction? I take this whole 'moral' thing back. She's a stupid hoe. Also, this song is turning from a PG to a 12 very quickly, isn't it?
• "We danced all night to the best song ever, we knew every line, now I can't remember how it goes" -It probably wasn't that good then, was it?
• "I think it went Oh Oh Oh, I think it went Yeah Yeah Yeah" - Enough thinking. Uncle Jack is going to help One Direction remember this 'Best Song Ever', because it's annoying me that they don't know what it is.

JACK RATTENBURY'S 'BEST SONG EVER' SUGGESTIONS

 Maybe it was Lady Gaga's Oh Oh Oh's in 'Bad Romance' that got those gay boys dancing?

Maybe it was the Yeah Yeah Yeah's in Chris Brown's 'Yeah 3x'.

Maybe it's the magical Oh Oh Oh's in the better version of Pilot's classic 'Magic' by Selena Gomez.

Or maybe they were just playing with us, and they're talking about their new song 'Best Song Ever.'

There you have it. My literal, overly-analytical review of One Direction's new single 'Best Song Ever' (available on iTunes now) is over. Before I go, can we appreciate how amazing the video is. Zayn Malik, I have one thing to say to you.

FASHION REVIEW: MET GALA.

I'm sitting in my room wearing my Tigger pajamas, giving me avant-garde realness that makes me more than suitable to review the fashion mishaps at this years Met Gala. I'm not sure what exactly the Met Gala is but I think it's an exhibition/party that goes on every year and a lot of celebrities make too much effort to impress other celebrities. This years theme was punk, so I probably should add a playlist full to the brim of punk edginess, but I'm gay so that's not going to happen. So instead, here are some tunes that I love, that are closest to the genre 'punk' I will ever get.

OK SO HERE WE GO

 My head hurts hunny. I need some eye protection to look at you. It's cute though. (Beyoncé in Givenchy)

It's so nice to see the winning horse from this years Grand National has become quite the socialite. Looks like he's had some work done on his mane too. (Sarah Jessica Parker in Giles Deacon and Phillip Tracey)

That baby needs to come out of her fucking womb so she can look cute wearing clothes again. (Kim Kardashian in Riccardo Tisci)

Honestly, I just screamed with terror. (Madonna in Givenchy)

WE GET IT. YOU'RE A 'REBEL' (Miley Cyrus in Marc Jacobs)

Sign my adoption papers already. This is how Miley Cyrus SHOULD look. PS Your tits are almost out. (Anne Hathaway in Valentino)

She doesn't look half bad for once. In fact, if I was on RuPaul's Drag Race, I would work this dress. (Katy Perry in Dolce and Gabanna) 

Speaking of RuPaul's Drag Race. Why was Roxxxy Andrews there? She didn't even win. (JLo in  Micheal Kors)

She looks confused. So do I. (Gwyneth Paltrow in Valentino Couture) (That was very sexy to type)

FASHION REVIEW: MTV Movie Awards.

We live in a world where the biggest music television network have their own award ceremony devoted to cinema. So naturally, I'm going to review the fashion antics from Sunday's show.

Selena Gomez looking lovely in Julien Macdonald. She looks so pretty. Ugh, if I was straight this would go straight into my wank bank (is that what the straight youth say?).

Emma Watson in Maxime Simoëns (I think). When you don't have tits, you don't want such a large cleavage gap. Pretty dress though.

SUPER CASUAL. I'd still do him. (It's Eddie Redmayne if you're not gay/a girl)

Oh. My. God. (It's Ke$ha if you don't like techno yodeling)

Kim Kardashian proving she does not look nice pregnant. Again.

Kylie in Paco Rabanne. Ugh I love her, but her belly button looks freakishly high up from where it should be.

My spirit animal, Rebel Wilson wearing an Adidas tracksuit. Can I be friends with you please?

Why Pitbull is the Judas of the Music Industry.

Judas's betrayal of Jesus was part of the prophecy. Just like Pitbull's music is part of the prophecy of pop music. Jesus foresees Judas's betrayal, making betrayal not an act of free will (in my opinion), therefore should not be punishable. So as bad as his music can be, people should back off Pitbull. His music may not be the best, but can we really hate someone who samples A-Ha's "Take On Me"? No.

Without Pitbull, I think we can all agree that we'd feel comfortable watching a post-come back Jennifer Lopez music video. But without him we wouldn't have decently sung verses, choruses or bridges by Christina Aguilera, Ne-Yo, Marc Anthony  or Shakira. We'd just have a creepy bald man who resembles the actual cartoon mole rat from 'Kim Possible', rapping about the club even though he looks like he's in his mid-40's (he's actually 31).

So instead of hating Pitbull, I call for an intervension. We will not praise nor hate the artist with the name Pitbull. We will respect him for collaborating with brilliant popstars who may need a bit of promotional help with future albums (*cough* Christina Aguilera *cough*), because even though his music is below average on my scale of brilliant pop music, the radio plays the shit out of him.

For those of you who would like to respect the modern-day Judas, here is a Spotify playlist I made completely wasted full of Pitbull songs I probably love when I'm drunk.

FASHION REVIEW: BUSTED

I really like talking about celebrity fashion, and by that I mean judging the fuck out of clothes worn by people I will never meet. So I think I'm going to start and do this monthly with a different theme each time. You know, for the shits n' gigs. At the begining of this week, Lindsay Lohan went to court and got sent to rehab, so naturally this months theme is THE LAW! Here are some celebrities going to court and some comments on their clothes. To make this a more riveting experience, here's a playlist of some law/drug/government themed songs. Such fun.

Linsday Lohan turning up to court on Monday. I've never seen so many layers on this bitch before. Her poor vagina must be confused.

It looks like Tulisa either has a small penis, or just did a fanny fart. Either way she looks kinda pretty. Shit hair though.

Why isn't Naomi Campbell a Dame yet? FIERCE.

Oh no Cheryl. Carrie Bradshaw would not approve, and neither would the 2013 Cheryl Cole.

Every time I see a picture of either one of them, I want them to jump off something very high. She looks like a hill-billy Oompa Loompa on stilts and he looks Constipated. (Katie Price and Peter Andre)

HAVE A FUCKING BURGER! (Paris Hilton)

It's only right we finish where we started. Lindsay Lohan channeling her inner Marilyn. Very clASSy.

Girls are not Aloud.

I can't speak french comprehend how saddened I am about Girls Aloud officially splitting up. Soon after their last tour date in Liverpool last night, a tweet appeared on the Girls Aloud twitter saying:

" Dear Alouders, we just want to say from the bottom of our hearts Thank you!! This tour has been an amazing experience and the perfect chance to say thank you for being on this journey with us through a decade. It has far exceeded any of our dreams and we hope we are forever your inspiration and reminder that dreams really do glitter!! Your love and support will stay with us forever but we have now come to the end of our incredible time together . Love you lots."

So I would just like to say on behalf of all the gays, girls and straight men who love pop music. We love you too.  The pop world will be a very upsetting place without you because lets face it, you had some UNTOUCHABLE tunes. I have three words for you. Call. The. Shots.

There's no denying that the girls are going to be fine on their own. They're all fucking minted. Plus all of the girls except Sarah, have released solo music and in my opinion, they should carry on. Some better (Cheryl and Nicola) than others (Nadine and Kimberly). It's time for SOMETHING NEW from the girls (I'm sorry).

Here is a Spotify playlist of my favourite Girls Aloud songs (basically all the singles plus 'On The Metro' twice).

West End Weekend.

My lovely mother came to visit me last week, and when people come to visit me I become this raging tourist. On any other weekend, I would find eating a cheese and pickle sandwich on Piccadilly Circus a bit of a nightmare. But a relative is down, so it is a form of forced fun/torture. We went to see two shows, which were very different. I'm about to express my thoughts on both which I'm sure you'll find highly entertaining, *Sarcastic laughter*.

The first show I went to see was 'Billy Elliot' and it was fucking phenomenal. I went to see it 6 years ago, and it was the musical that got me interested in musical theater. If it wasn't for this musical, I probably would of thought Les Misérables was a bit shit. I am not shamed in saying that I cried a lot during this musical. I'm not sure why, but recently I've become this huge cry baby, or as some might say, a pussy. The show has the same story line as the film, so if you haven't seen the film (shame on you), here is a brief plot summary. The show is about a young gay boy who's not gay, but his friend is, growing up in a mining community in the North East of England during the 1980, when good old Margaret Thatcher (sarcasm) decided to take on the miners' union, and won. Which actually had a huge impact on UK politics, society and culture. The boy's name is Billy, and he wants to be a ballet dancer, but his 'lad dad' (good phrase, isn't it?) isn't happy with this, and needs to come to terms with Billy's talent. I won't go any further as I don't want to ruin it.

The songs in the show are pretty good, but not as good as other musicals like Les Mis or Wicked. It's the plot and the visuals which stood out the most during the performance. The use of contrast in this musical is amazing, with little ballet dancers and protesting miners singing about solidarity will certainly leave you in this goosebump/sobbing state, which will stay with you for at least another week. At one point I ran to the toilet, and came back to a giant effigy of Margaret Thatcher, maybe 20 or 30 feet tall. Underneath all that was about a dozen human-sized Margaret Thatchers. I thought I fell asleep during my piss and wondered into this, what surely had to be, the worst nightmare of my life. But it wasn't. Then it sunk in. I laughed.

Before I move on to the next show, I would just like to say that Billy's grandmother is a fucking legend. Oh, and I highly recommend this show. It's probably my favourite musical that I've seen (and I've seen a fair few).

Right. Oh God. The next show I went to see was Viva Forever. Like many a child of the 90s, my awkward years of being a confused, knob-head of a child were dominated by the Spice Girls, who probably defined my ongoing love affair with pop music. I heard the reviews were mixed by the fans and negative by journalists, but I did not let this get to me. In fact I was so excited about going to see Viva Forever that I had about 6 drinks before curtain-call. I was excited, optimistic and absolutely plastered. This certainly worked to my advantage, because looking back at the show, it was pretty crap, but I had a marvelous time. Never have I ever seen a theater so full of drunk people, that got up to dance at every opportunity possible.


The plot focuses on this girl named Viva who was in a girl band that was forced to split-up during an X-Factor-like show, leaving her on her own, trying to find herself, etc, etc. You can certainly tell that the musical is written by Jennifer Saunders, with a blatant Ab Fab consciousness, and in some ways, this makes the musical a bit better. Anyway I have mixed feelings about this musical and most of them are negative, so I'm going to make a bullet pointed list of what I learnt during this survival camp musical.

• Musicals about being famous are as ridiculous/shit as they sound.
• Props that appear from no-where and revolving things are always cool, but don't make the musical any better.
• 'Headlines' is still shit.
• 'Viva Forever' should never be tampered with, especially when it's a Spanish man with an acoustic guitar that's doing it.
• Thongs are always funny.
• 'Too Much' has always been a song about pubes after all.

That is it! I give Viva Forever a 4 out of 10 stilettos, and wouldn't really recommend it to anyone unless you are the worlds biggest Spice Girls fan and/or are absolutely wasted and want a good night out with your girls.

GIRLS ALOUD/TEN TOUR: A REVIEW

So I went to see Girls Aloud on Sunday and it was a pretty amazing night. Amelia Lily opened and she was pretty good at warming up the crowd. When she was announced as support act I was very happy, but like every concert I go to, she wasn't the reason I bought the ticket. The girls (ALOUD) opened up with 'Sound of the Underground' and it was absolute perfection. They finished with 'The Promise', which again, was absolute perfection. Here is a bullet pointed list of the other things I found good and what I didn't find so good.

THE ALOUD

•  THE FUCKING ENTRANCE!!!!
• THEY FLEW ACROSS THE AUDIENCE ON A HUGE 'GIRLS ALOUD' BANNER. Amazing.
• Nicola Roberts .
• Two words. Act Three. It included probably everyone's favourite Girls Aloud songs (Sexy! No No No..., Untouchable, On The Metro and Call The Shots).
• UNTOUCHABLE!!!
• Nicola Roberts.
• They covered the much respected, cultural icon that is, Carly Rae Jepsen.
• Something New was fucking mental.
• Doing 'The Promise' choreography with some stranger.
• BIOLOGY!!!
• Nicola Roberts.

 THE NOT SO ALOUD

• Nadine Coyle's accent.

And that's pretty much my experience summed up. Before I go to watch 'The Devil Wears Prada', here are some Instagram pictures I took during the show. You can follow me on Instagram here.

 BYE!

MY THING OF THE WEEK (Which isn't weekly anymore)

When I thought about doing this segment, I thought that it would be a very easy thing to do if I can't think of anything to write or I haven't had time to write anything good. But in fact, I was wrong, because this segment really isn't that interesting. A stranger that you hardly know telling you what they like suggesting that you check it out. It is pretentious as it sounds (who am I, Perez Hilton?). So this marks my last ever 'Thing of the Week (that isn't really weekly),' and this week it is (drum-roll please).

THE FOALS NEW ALBUM (I'm sorry gays). I hate myself for liking this. Here is one of my fave songs from the new album 'Holy Fire' (and their new single), called 'My Number'.

You're welcome.

Review: The 55th Annual Grammy Awards 2013.

Last night I got a bit too gay with the BAFTA's and The Grammy's on back to back. I got very excited and tweeted way too much but whatever. I'm going to review the Grammy's now.

Taylor Swift opened the show with this weird mad hatter shit that was really unnecessary. Ever since she's changed from country to pop she's gone all Gaga, which you'd think I'd be fine with. But I'm not. She also said something in a British accent which everyone thinks has to do with the Harry Styles breakup. If that is the case; Bitch please. You do not know who you're messing with.

'Best Pop Solo Performance' went to Adele which is not hard to believe, although 21 was released two fucking years ago, so the Grammy's really need to get out of Adele's vagina. But Adele's acceptance speeches always make me smile. You can take the girl out of Essex, eh? Plus she needs a new stylist because I don't know what she was wearing, but my mother has the exact same bedsheets at home. We'll get into style and fashion later.

Ed Sheeran and Elton John sang 'The A Team' together which would of been nice if they didn't. Ed Sheeran is basically the Cookie Monster with syphilis and heartache. I'm glad he didn't win a Grammy because if he did, he would of thought he's done something right, *waits for white teenage girls to hit me with their Starbucks card*. Fun. also sang which was quite nice because they didn't sing We Are Young. They also won two Grammy's which is again quite nice, because in 2012 the radio really wanted us to like Fun.

Miranda Lambert and Dierks Bently entertained the entire state of Texas, and Texas only, trying to make country music happen (Taylor Swift tried and she gave up). Although I've got to say I am a huge Carrie Underwood fan after last night. Her performance was properly amazing with the cool, projector dress thing going on. Carrie Underwood also won a Grammy for country solo performance. Mumford and Sons sang which was cool, but American's categorise them as rock. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't see Mumford as a rock band. When was the last time you saw Bruce Springsteen with a banjo?

The Grammy for urban contemporary album went to Frank Ocean's "Channel Orange." FUCK YEAH. FUCK YOU CHRIS BROWN. It was totes awks (totally awkward for people who don't speak white). Chris Brown and Frank Ocean in the same category. Frank Ocean had a little bandage around his finger. Frank Ocean won. Chris Brown was the only one in the room who didn't stand up. Frank Ocean had to walk past Chris Brown to accept his award. Frank Ocean had to do a speech knowing that everyone was thinking about their brawl. It was intense. Or maybe I'm thinking way too much into it because this paragraph is bigger than any other in this post, and it's only about Frank Ocean winning a Grammy. Maybe I should stop, but not before I say how happy I am Frank won. "channel ORANGE" was, and forever will be my favourite album of 2012 (I'm sorry Taylor Swift :( )

Justin Timberlake performed and it was fucking amazing. Ellen Degeneres and Beyonce introduced him on stage and every gay man in the world was fangirling for this amazing pairing. As Beyonce put it “This performance marks the return of a man born to make music.”And it sure did.

I'm going to stop going into detail now because I'm probably boring you, so in short here are some thing's I liked.

• Rihanna's performance
• The fact 'No Church in the Wild' won best collaboration
• PRINCE PRESENTED AN AWARD!!
• The Bob Marley tribute was nice, but no-one was smoking weed :(
• Album of the Year went to Mumford and Sons
• Frank Ocean's performance
• This photo

Now I'm going to show you a photo of the Best Dressed and the Worst Dressed with some runners up without photo's because that's the way I role.

BEST DRESSED

1. Kelly Rowland (GURL, YOU HAWT)
2. Rihanna (I can see you're nipples, and I like it)
3. Taylor Swift (Gets better every award show)

WORST DRESSED

1. Florence Welch (You look like fucking Reptar)
2. Adele (I'm sorry. I got excited when someone said you were wearing red, then you looked like a lampshade)
3. Carly Rae Jepsen (You looked like a sack of spuds love :( )

What I liked and what I didn't like - Beyonce's halftime show.

WHAT I LIKED

• The promotion

 

•  This

• When she danced with lots of Beyonce

• The Holy Trinity inclusion

• Treating them like backup singers and backup dancers

•  SHE SANG BABY BOY

• All the fucking fire

• Whipping her fans with her hair, because peasants can't touch her face.

 WHAT I DIDN'T LIKE

•  It was way too short
• There were only two special guests
• Michelle Williams is still around
• It was very short
• The opening act
• No new single
• It was short
• 10 FUCKING MINUTES????