My ten favourite pop songs of 2013

10. Macklemore & Ryan Lewis - 'Same Love'

'The Heist' by Macklemore & Ryan Lewis is a great album. An album I love from start to finish. This song stuck out to me the most (naturally), because of it's great message. It was so lovely to hear a song about gay & lesbian rights not only being played on Top 40 radio, but doing very well and receiving great feedback. I take my hat off to you Macklemore, even if you did sing 'Thrift Shop'.

 9. Katy Perry - 'Double Rainbow'

No pop music countdown would be complete without Katy Perry. Because I don't really like Roar, I decided to choose my favourite song from the album, 'Prism', called Double Rainbow. This song makes me feel really happy and lyrically, it's just lovely. 

8. BREACH - 'JACK'

This is my favourite 'clubby' song of the year. Not because I'm a massive narcissist and I love how it's named after me, but (contrary to the video) it's just really sexy isn't it? Just for your information, I really like/have a massive crush on the man with the lisp/mustache in the video. Do not question my judgement on boys.

7. Miley Cyrus - 'We Can't Stop'

Even if she's quite provocative, Miley Cyrus is a great pop star. People tend to take pop music too seriously, and not seriously enough. This is a great song, but she needs to stop twerking because I want twerking to not be a 'thing'.

6. Disclosure/Sam Smith/ Nile Rodgers/Jimmy Napes – 'Together'

WARNING: This song will give you a boner.

5. VV Brown - 'The Apple'

It makes me very sad that songs like this don't get a lot more recognition. I'm sure that VV Brown will be huge in the near future. Everyone should have this on their iTunes, so go and exchange your money for this beautiful song.

4. Lady Gaga ft. R.Kelly - 'Do What U Want'

I was on the train to Machester when I heard that my two favourite artists of all time were collaborating. The woman sitting next to me probably thought I was having a seizure before we hit Milton Keynes. This song is dripping in sex, even if Lady Gaga says it isn't about sex. This song got me pregnant and I'm not getting an abortion.

3. Katy B - '3am'

I used to hate Katy B for no reason. Now I'm in love with her. Any woman who can make a song like this will make me question my sexuality (form a line, ladies).

2. Sky Ferreira - 'You're Not The One'

My favourite album of 2013 is 'Night Time, My Time' by this lady. She is amazing and creates the best pop music. This is just a fraction of how amazing her work is. Everyone should go and support her, even though she'll probably spend your money on ecstasy. 

1. Lorde - Royals

I know you're probably rolling your eyes at me for choosing this as my number one song from 2013, but for the amounts of times I've played this whilst smoking a cigarette and acting all pensive, it deserves it. Now go and listen to her entire album you judgmental bunch of arseholes.

PEACE

-JACK

xoxo

LADY GAGA - ARTPOP REVIEW

Lady Gaga is finally becoming a force to be reckoned with. After every Madonna comparison, attention grabbing performance and questionable outfit, I feel like she wants to show the world who and what she is as an artist. She has reversed the work of Warhol by putting art into pop instead of pop into art which has constructed this roller coaster album experimenting with different sounds, genre's and themes. Working with producers like Zedd, DJ White Shadow, will.i.am and Madeon, and artists like Jeff Koons and Marina Abramovic, we're in for a treat both sonically and visually. Overall, I'd give this album a B+, but here is a graded track by track review for your pleasure.

1 - Aura (C+)


When this song originally leaked I thought it was bloody fantastic. I was wrong. It's a good song, don't get me wrong. The lyrics are good, especially the "do you want to see me naked lover" bit and the "Dance. Sex. Art. Pop. Tech" chant. But I find it quite a messy song. It's bizarre but a great introduction to a great album

2 - Venus (B-)

Even though not many people like this song, and a lot of people will judge me for giving this song a higher grade than Aura, I think this song is amazing. I saw her preform this song live at G-A-Y in London and it was very good,  I judge a song on how good I think it'll be live. I really like the bit when she names all the planets (including Pluto). It's good isn't it?

3 - G-U-Y (B+)

I was most excited to listen to this song because I fell in love with the snippet she released to get everyone hyped up about ARTPOP. This song is about sex, and it's a very sexy song about sex. The chorus is awesome and I want to have sex to this song immediately. Any offers? Zayn Malik? Zak Efron?

4 - Sexxx Dreams (A)

Another great song about sex. I think Lady Gaga really likes sex. Who wouldn't? Have you seen her boyfriend? But this song is for the lesbians. 'Poker Face' revisited, except a lot better. I really love the lyric "When I lay in bed, I touch myself and I think of you'. There's also an incredible bit in the song where she says "I can't believe I'm telling you this, but I've had a couple of drinks" and it sounds like all you need is alcohol for Lady Gaga to munch your muffin.

5 - Jewels n' Drugs (ft. T.I, Too Short and Twista) (D)

No. Just no. Pop stars should stay away from trap music as much as possible. It's nice to see some gangster rap artists collaborate with the Queen of the gays though.

6 - Manicure (B-)

This song reminds me of her first album The Fame so much. It's girly yet rock in a twisted way. The song is about being cured by a man in a sex way, which is nice. I really like the guitar riffed bridge in this song. Also, this is Adele's favourite if anyone is interested.

7 - Do What U Want (ft. R Kelly) (A+)

This is my jam right here. Two of my favourite artists have had musical intercourse and created this gorgeous baby. This song is about the tabloids not owning an artist for Lady Gaga but for R Kelly it's about sex, which is great for the whole 'ARTPOP could mean anything' concept. It's really catchy, so if you haven't listened to it (do you live under a rock?), be prepared.

8 - ARTPOP (B-)

We've made it to the title track. This song is beautiful. It's nice to see she's realised that you can't change the world with a song, even though she tried amazingly with the 'Born This Way' era. "ARTPOP could mean anything". It reminds me a little of Selena Gomez - Love You Like a Love Song, which I'm sure is unintentional, but I don't mind because that is a great song.

9 - Swine (C-)

This song is very lyrically weird. It's quite a 'banger' as Miley would put it. For some reason it reminds me of poppers, but I wouldn't want to have sex to this song because it's about pigs(ish). There is something good here though. I don't know what it is, but I feel it.

10 - Donatella (A)

Everyone who is reading this will probably judge me for giving this a high grade, but this song is so gay I just had to give it props. This song is an open letter to Donatella Versace but she is also making fun of fashion and model culture. My favourite line is "I am so fab, I'm blonde, I'm skinny, I'm rich and I'm a bit of a bitch." What more do you need in a song? Nothing.

11 - Fashion! (C)

Probably more of an album filler than a hit single. But I like this song because it's very chilled out. It reminds me of Daft Punk. I'm sure this song is a stoner favourite. Although, when I saw the track list for the first time, I was hoping that she'd re-release this song which featured in the film 'Confessions of a Shopaholic'.

12 - Mary Jane Holland (A+)

This song is brilliant. It's produced by Madeon who is my favourite DJ prodigy. When I heard he was going to be collaborating with Gaga on the album, I was so excited. He is a genius and Mary Jane Holland certainly showcases that. This song is about weed by the way. The bridge is bloody phenomenal with this amazing Abba vibe as pointed out by Popjustice. This song is my favourite from the album. Bravo.

13 - Dope (C+)

IT'S A FUCKING BALLAD ABOUT WEED. GREAT. But it's about how love is greater than any drug. GREAT. Probably related to her hot boyfriend again.

14 - Gypsy (A) (listen here)

I really like this song, a lot. Again, produced by Madeon, which is probably why. The song is about the lonely consequences of being famous and how the stage is her home, which is quite nice. She lists a lot of countries at the end which is also, quite nice.

15 - Applause (A-)
A great choice to end the album. Because you must clap at the end of every show.

FASHION REVIEW: MET GALA.

I'm sitting in my room wearing my Tigger pajamas, giving me avant-garde realness that makes me more than suitable to review the fashion mishaps at this years Met Gala. I'm not sure what exactly the Met Gala is but I think it's an exhibition/party that goes on every year and a lot of celebrities make too much effort to impress other celebrities. This years theme was punk, so I probably should add a playlist full to the brim of punk edginess, but I'm gay so that's not going to happen. So instead, here are some tunes that I love, that are closest to the genre 'punk' I will ever get.

OK SO HERE WE GO

 My head hurts hunny. I need some eye protection to look at you. It's cute though. (Beyoncé in Givenchy)

It's so nice to see the winning horse from this years Grand National has become quite the socialite. Looks like he's had some work done on his mane too. (Sarah Jessica Parker in Giles Deacon and Phillip Tracey)

That baby needs to come out of her fucking womb so she can look cute wearing clothes again. (Kim Kardashian in Riccardo Tisci)

Honestly, I just screamed with terror. (Madonna in Givenchy)

WE GET IT. YOU'RE A 'REBEL' (Miley Cyrus in Marc Jacobs)

Sign my adoption papers already. This is how Miley Cyrus SHOULD look. PS Your tits are almost out. (Anne Hathaway in Valentino)

She doesn't look half bad for once. In fact, if I was on RuPaul's Drag Race, I would work this dress. (Katy Perry in Dolce and Gabanna) 

Speaking of RuPaul's Drag Race. Why was Roxxxy Andrews there? She didn't even win. (JLo in  Micheal Kors)

She looks confused. So do I. (Gwyneth Paltrow in Valentino Couture) (That was very sexy to type)

Why Pitbull is the Judas of the Music Industry.

Judas's betrayal of Jesus was part of the prophecy. Just like Pitbull's music is part of the prophecy of pop music. Jesus foresees Judas's betrayal, making betrayal not an act of free will (in my opinion), therefore should not be punishable. So as bad as his music can be, people should back off Pitbull. His music may not be the best, but can we really hate someone who samples A-Ha's "Take On Me"? No.

Without Pitbull, I think we can all agree that we'd feel comfortable watching a post-come back Jennifer Lopez music video. But without him we wouldn't have decently sung verses, choruses or bridges by Christina Aguilera, Ne-Yo, Marc Anthony  or Shakira. We'd just have a creepy bald man who resembles the actual cartoon mole rat from 'Kim Possible', rapping about the club even though he looks like he's in his mid-40's (he's actually 31).

So instead of hating Pitbull, I call for an intervension. We will not praise nor hate the artist with the name Pitbull. We will respect him for collaborating with brilliant popstars who may need a bit of promotional help with future albums (*cough* Christina Aguilera *cough*), because even though his music is below average on my scale of brilliant pop music, the radio plays the shit out of him.

For those of you who would like to respect the modern-day Judas, here is a Spotify playlist I made completely wasted full of Pitbull songs I probably love when I'm drunk.

Review: The 55th Annual Grammy Awards 2013.

Last night I got a bit too gay with the BAFTA's and The Grammy's on back to back. I got very excited and tweeted way too much but whatever. I'm going to review the Grammy's now.

Taylor Swift opened the show with this weird mad hatter shit that was really unnecessary. Ever since she's changed from country to pop she's gone all Gaga, which you'd think I'd be fine with. But I'm not. She also said something in a British accent which everyone thinks has to do with the Harry Styles breakup. If that is the case; Bitch please. You do not know who you're messing with.

'Best Pop Solo Performance' went to Adele which is not hard to believe, although 21 was released two fucking years ago, so the Grammy's really need to get out of Adele's vagina. But Adele's acceptance speeches always make me smile. You can take the girl out of Essex, eh? Plus she needs a new stylist because I don't know what she was wearing, but my mother has the exact same bedsheets at home. We'll get into style and fashion later.

Ed Sheeran and Elton John sang 'The A Team' together which would of been nice if they didn't. Ed Sheeran is basically the Cookie Monster with syphilis and heartache. I'm glad he didn't win a Grammy because if he did, he would of thought he's done something right, *waits for white teenage girls to hit me with their Starbucks card*. Fun. also sang which was quite nice because they didn't sing We Are Young. They also won two Grammy's which is again quite nice, because in 2012 the radio really wanted us to like Fun.

Miranda Lambert and Dierks Bently entertained the entire state of Texas, and Texas only, trying to make country music happen (Taylor Swift tried and she gave up). Although I've got to say I am a huge Carrie Underwood fan after last night. Her performance was properly amazing with the cool, projector dress thing going on. Carrie Underwood also won a Grammy for country solo performance. Mumford and Sons sang which was cool, but American's categorise them as rock. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't see Mumford as a rock band. When was the last time you saw Bruce Springsteen with a banjo?

The Grammy for urban contemporary album went to Frank Ocean's "Channel Orange." FUCK YEAH. FUCK YOU CHRIS BROWN. It was totes awks (totally awkward for people who don't speak white). Chris Brown and Frank Ocean in the same category. Frank Ocean had a little bandage around his finger. Frank Ocean won. Chris Brown was the only one in the room who didn't stand up. Frank Ocean had to walk past Chris Brown to accept his award. Frank Ocean had to do a speech knowing that everyone was thinking about their brawl. It was intense. Or maybe I'm thinking way too much into it because this paragraph is bigger than any other in this post, and it's only about Frank Ocean winning a Grammy. Maybe I should stop, but not before I say how happy I am Frank won. "channel ORANGE" was, and forever will be my favourite album of 2012 (I'm sorry Taylor Swift :( )

Justin Timberlake performed and it was fucking amazing. Ellen Degeneres and Beyonce introduced him on stage and every gay man in the world was fangirling for this amazing pairing. As Beyonce put it “This performance marks the return of a man born to make music.”And it sure did.

I'm going to stop going into detail now because I'm probably boring you, so in short here are some thing's I liked.

• Rihanna's performance
• The fact 'No Church in the Wild' won best collaboration
• PRINCE PRESENTED AN AWARD!!
• The Bob Marley tribute was nice, but no-one was smoking weed :(
• Album of the Year went to Mumford and Sons
• Frank Ocean's performance
• This photo

Now I'm going to show you a photo of the Best Dressed and the Worst Dressed with some runners up without photo's because that's the way I role.

BEST DRESSED

1. Kelly Rowland (GURL, YOU HAWT)
2. Rihanna (I can see you're nipples, and I like it)
3. Taylor Swift (Gets better every award show)

WORST DRESSED

1. Florence Welch (You look like fucking Reptar)
2. Adele (I'm sorry. I got excited when someone said you were wearing red, then you looked like a lampshade)
3. Carly Rae Jepsen (You looked like a sack of spuds love :( )

2013 Pop Cultural Predictions

January. This word sends shivers down my spine. All the 'new year, new me' bullshit with people unnecessarily announcing that their diet is going well. Well I have one thing to say to all of you that say/do annoying things during this awful month. 'Fuck off.' But at least we have a whole new year of pop culture to look forward to, so here are my pop culture predictions of 2013, which is more or less a wish list.
       If you are a frequent reader of my not so interesting blog, then you know I absolutely adore Tom Daley. So my first 'prediction' is that by the end of 2013 he will release a statement that he is a gay man who has secretly had a civil partnership with a huge black man and/or me. Maybe I'm going a bit too far, but that would be a (wet) dream come true, no?
       Ok, so we know the Sugababes are reuniting with an absolutely awful new name, 'Mutya-Keisha-Siobhan.' I'm not being funny, but how do they expect people to say the fucking name without googling it, and saying it really slowly. So my prediction for 'MKS' is simple. If they release a club banger (rumoured) then they will probably do pretty well and have a good, solid pop album with a sold out (ish) arena tour, but if they release (and God forgive me for using this word) a ballad, then they will flop, and flop hard (if you hadn't noticed, I hate ballads).
       Lady Gaga will prove to everyone that she is alive and release 'ARTPOP,' which apparently is a lot more fun than her previous album 'Born This Way' but just as risky, which is rather exciting isn't it? If you follow me on tumblr you will know that the sometime-jazz singer is one of my favourite artists, if not, my all time favourite artist. So it is no secret that I cannot wait for the 'Bad Romance' singer (best song of all time, no?) to release her new album. My prediction is that the album will do pretty well, if not amazingly depending on how good the first single is. I also predict that she will preform with Beyoncé (again, more of a wish) at the Superbowl half time show, which will be all kinds of amazing.
       Les Misérables will do very well during awards season and I will become 75% more gay during awards season because of Anne Hathaway and all her amazing-ness. I think Anne Hathaway could play any character in the world and do an incredible job. Lindsay Lohan will have many more comebacks and people will realise each comeback that she has lost her Midas touch and has become a shit actress.
       Finally, it was released today that Destiny's Child and Justin Timberlake are going to have comebacks VERY SOON. I would go on and talk about it but my brain needs more time to digest the information (can we all have a collective HOLY SHIT BALLS).

That's all.
Jack

PS Justin Bieber will still be annoying

New Year, New Me. Like Fuck.

Happy New Year everybody. It is 2013 which is absolutely crazy to me. I'm not going to get all reflective up on your grill so I'm just going to say this. I hate people and I hate New Years Eve. Everyone is trying way to hard to have a good time and everyone is 70% faker than they already are. So I spent my night getting drunk with friends in below average night clubs, resulting in a grotesque kebab disaster, with me spilling my half eaten kebab on the floor, because I thought I was getting shot due to the unexpected explosion from a nearby firework. FUCKING HELL, THAT WAS A MOUTHFUL.

I wasn't as embarrassing compared to last year. Last year I was spewing my guts out singing 'All By Myself' in my garden as my family watched through the window. This was before leaving a nightclub at half past eleven because I was too drunk. Did I mention it took me an hour to walk two hundred feet to my house? And by 'walk' I mean 'crawl'.

So New Years is not my friend. But I hope you all had a fabulous New Years Eve and had that special midnight kiss (vomit).

P.S I don't have a New Years Resolution because I'm a normal human being who doesn't keep any promises.