An Open Letter to Paris Hilton

It has come to my attention that since starting university in 2012, the longest amount of time I've gone without listening to Paris Hilton is probably three days (I usually blame the shuffle). This is becoming an issue as people don't understand my fondness for the famous heiress. I know that she can't sing, I know that most of her songs are utter crap and this isn't an opinion that I share with many people, but I think that Paris Hilton could be an above-average popstar if she put her mind to it. I mean she is (fractionally) responsible for  'Stars are Blind', which is a pretty amazing pop song if you ask me.

Paris recently released a teaser for her new song and music video called Never Be Alone (you can watch it here) and it made me feel really sad. We all know she isn't going to stop releasing music for anyone, so she could at least make it bearable (Paris. If you're reading this, I'm working with you not against you). I think it's time Paris Hilton worked with cooler people, so the public would get cooler music. I've decided to create an in-depth list of songs Paris should've sung if the original artists hadn't already, and the music video concepts to said songs (I have way too much fucking time on my hands)

• No Doubt - Just A Girl

If Paris released this song, it would be amazing in the music video, I'd have Paris surrounded by giant teddy bears and topless men in a Toys R' Us.

• Lady Gaga - Gypsy

 If Paris was to release this song, the music video would include Paris traveling around the world visiting different Hilton hotels.

• Madonna - Sorry

If Paris was to release this song, it would feature Pitbull and the music video would be black and white, flicking between a club scene and Paris crying, looking over the Los Angeles skyline.

• Girls Aloud - The Loving Kind

If Paris was to relese this beauty, the video would feature her floating in a bubble.

• Paris Hilton - Stars Are Blind   

Just for old times' sake.

So there you go. Paris Hilton should sound like this if she wants to make it big time in the world of pop. Or she could try and be best friends with Nicole Richie again to release another series of The Simple Life. Either way, life would be good.

Five albums from 2013 that you should exchange money for

5. 'Heartthrob' - Tegan and Sara

I couldn't stop listening to this album for the entire summer of 2013. This album is the definition of 'Pop Perfection', and I'm looking forward to the sequel. Tegan and Sara are great and you should definitely check them out, because they are the only two lesbians I'm not terrified of (just kidding) (kind of).

4. 'Samson & Delilah' - VV Brown

This is a beautiful album. Not many artists make me feel excited about their future in the music industry, but VV Brown delivered better than any postal service in the world. She has got me excited about her future. I want to marry her (no hetero).

3. 'ARTPOP' - Lady Gaga 

 Obviously.

2. 'True Romance' - Charli XCX

The fact that this album debuted at number 85 makes me feel really sad. Why do most people buy shit pop music? She is a brilliant songwriter and if I was a female popstar, this is what my first album would sound like.

1. 'Night Time, My Time' - Sky Ferreira

I don't know why you are still reading this post when you've just been given easy access to a song from the best album of 2013. I have three words for you: 'fucking', 'amazing and 'ecstasy'.

Why Beyonce is basically Jesus

A couple of days ago, Beyoncé decided to release an album, just out of the blue (Ivy). It's a pretty fantastic album. She shook and woke up the world with an album, which is the best way to be awoken. The album consists of 14 songs and 17 videos, which is how a pop album should be done. It's called 'BEYONCÉ' which is quite shit, isn't it? But it'll do because its BEYONCÉ!

I've already talked about my favourite songs of 2013, but you can always rely on Beyoncé to come and snatch the weaves' of basic pop bitches. The album features help from Pharell, Drake and Jay-Z, but for me, it's all about Bey. Her vocals have never sounded purer or more amazing, the videos are stunning and I've been internally squealing for the past 2 days

Here are some bullet-pointed lists about the new album:

The good things about 'BEYONCÉ'

• It's Beyoncé.
• The element of surprise.
• The songs are pretty good.
• 'Drunk in Love' is a fucking tune.
• It's Beyoncé.
• She has collaborated with my Odd Future Prince Frank Ocean.
• She knows how to do trap music correctly.
• #FEMINISM
• The videos are pretty good.
• It's Beyoncé

The bad things about 'BEYONCÉ'

• The album artwork is pretty shit.
• The title
• It could do with some bangers.
• There are no 'Put a Donk on it' moments.
• She's featured her baby on a song.
• "Standing On The Sun" is not on the album.

 My favourite songs on 'BEYONCÉ'

• Pretty Hurts
• Drunk in Love
• Blow
• Partition
• Jealous
• Flawless

My least favourite (but still okay) songs on 'BEYONCÉ'

• No Angel
• Heaven
• Rocket
• Blue

What you will need to listen to 'BEYONCÉ'

• The actual album, which you exchange your money for here.
• 
• 

My ten favourite pop songs of 2013

10. Macklemore & Ryan Lewis - 'Same Love'

'The Heist' by Macklemore & Ryan Lewis is a great album. An album I love from start to finish. This song stuck out to me the most (naturally), because of it's great message. It was so lovely to hear a song about gay & lesbian rights not only being played on Top 40 radio, but doing very well and receiving great feedback. I take my hat off to you Macklemore, even if you did sing 'Thrift Shop'.

 9. Katy Perry - 'Double Rainbow'

No pop music countdown would be complete without Katy Perry. Because I don't really like Roar, I decided to choose my favourite song from the album, 'Prism', called Double Rainbow. This song makes me feel really happy and lyrically, it's just lovely. 

8. BREACH - 'JACK'

This is my favourite 'clubby' song of the year. Not because I'm a massive narcissist and I love how it's named after me, but (contrary to the video) it's just really sexy isn't it? Just for your information, I really like/have a massive crush on the man with the lisp/mustache in the video. Do not question my judgement on boys.

7. Miley Cyrus - 'We Can't Stop'

Even if she's quite provocative, Miley Cyrus is a great pop star. People tend to take pop music too seriously, and not seriously enough. This is a great song, but she needs to stop twerking because I want twerking to not be a 'thing'.

6. Disclosure/Sam Smith/ Nile Rodgers/Jimmy Napes – 'Together'

WARNING: This song will give you a boner.

5. VV Brown - 'The Apple'

It makes me very sad that songs like this don't get a lot more recognition. I'm sure that VV Brown will be huge in the near future. Everyone should have this on their iTunes, so go and exchange your money for this beautiful song.

4. Lady Gaga ft. R.Kelly - 'Do What U Want'

I was on the train to Machester when I heard that my two favourite artists of all time were collaborating. The woman sitting next to me probably thought I was having a seizure before we hit Milton Keynes. This song is dripping in sex, even if Lady Gaga says it isn't about sex. This song got me pregnant and I'm not getting an abortion.

3. Katy B - '3am'

I used to hate Katy B for no reason. Now I'm in love with her. Any woman who can make a song like this will make me question my sexuality (form a line, ladies).

2. Sky Ferreira - 'You're Not The One'

My favourite album of 2013 is 'Night Time, My Time' by this lady. She is amazing and creates the best pop music. This is just a fraction of how amazing her work is. Everyone should go and support her, even though she'll probably spend your money on ecstasy. 

1. Lorde - Royals

I know you're probably rolling your eyes at me for choosing this as my number one song from 2013, but for the amounts of times I've played this whilst smoking a cigarette and acting all pensive, it deserves it. Now go and listen to her entire album you judgmental bunch of arseholes.

PEACE

-JACK

xoxo

2014 POP CULTURE PREDICTIONS

Last year, I predicted the future of pop culture. And unless Mutya-Keisha-Siobhan release an amazing song within this last and remaining month of 2013, then I didn't do very well. But I really enjoyed releasing my inner-Raven Symone and predicting what will happen in the celebrity world. So here we go, here's what I think will happen in 2014:

• Twerking will become illegal in many institutions. People really need to understand that twerking isn't cute, and never will be. The Government will soon realise what it's doing to society and make it against the law to twerk.
• Taylor Swift will shag more boys.
• She will write more songs about the boys she shagged.
• Zac Efron will show the world how amazing he is doing after his drug problem and do an interview with Oprah. 
• Zac Efron will also come out as gay and become my boyfriend.
• Tom Daley will dump his sugar daddy and join Zac and I's relationship.
• There will be another Lindsay Lohan mugshot, and someone will put that mugshot on an actual mug.
• Beyoncé will finally release her much anticipated fifth album, and people will think she is actually Jesus Christ. Amen.
•  Amanda Bynes will have her acting comeback and it will be shit, because she wasn't that good anyway, was she?
• Lady Gaga will cancel her performance on the moon because she realises that she's human and no-one should put themselves in that position unless they have a death wish.
• I will see One Direction and Harry Styles will look at me and say, "Wow, you're beautiful. Want to hang sometime?"
• I will accept his offer.
• We will have sex

So there you go. All of these will happen next year. Are you excited? I am. 

KATY PERRY - PRISM REVIEW

After listening to Prism, I feel like Katy Perry has finally found herself as an artist. I was originally expecting quite a dark album after the whole divorce thing that happend, but was pleasantly surprised that even though her sound has changed, it's still Katy. It's an uplifting album with great, credible pop music. I will now take you on a journey through the album and express my opinion on each song (One way tickets only and they're non-refundable). I will be rating the songs like a teacher grades an essay because with my beautiful voice (sarcasm), I can only hope Katy see's me as a teacher, role model and best friend. So A+ means brilliant, and F means the biggest pile of bullshit I've ever heard (spoiler alert, there are no F's).

• Roar (A-)

The first single, the opening track and a great song. After listening to the whole album, you can tell she's been inspired by her support acts from the 'California Dreams Tour' (which was pretty amazing), Marina and the Diamonds, Robyn and Oh Land. Katy has embraced their left-field stance on popular music and brought it to the mainstream, which is bloody brilliant. But in terms of the song overall, it does what it says on the tin. A fierce, inspirational jam perfect for the gym, getting work done and anything else you need inspiration for.

• Legendary Lovers (B-)

 Even though I'm kind of over popstars sampling melodies from the East to be controversial, Legendary Lovers is a pretty good example of what it's like when it's done right. On my first listen, I thought this song was pretty shit, but I was wrong and I can only apologise. It's a very pretty song with probably my favourite vocals on the whole album.

• Birthday (D)

I'M SORRY I'M JUST NOT FEELING IT. But just because it's not my cup of tea, doesn't mean it can't be yours. What's peppermint to me, could be your Earl Grey. It sounds like a cheesy song that Butlins would use for their advertising campaign.

 

• Walking On Air (A+)

This song is my personal favourite of Prism and it should be yours too. Why? Well here is a list:

1. It is great for popping that pussy.
2. It has this amazing nineties vibe.
3. I'm almost 80% sure that this song is about anal sex.

If you don't believe me, have a listen. If you don't like it, you're wrong.

• Unconditionally (C-)

It's not that I don't like this song. I think it's a great song, it's sung beautifully and is probably one of the most relatable songs on the album. But I'm quite upset that Katy has chosen this to be the second single off the album. Which is why I decided to give it a C- when it's really a B. I'M BITTER. SO WHAT?

• Dark Horse (ft. Juicy J) (A)

 This is another favourite from the album. The whole 'trap' trend is so yawn, but I find this song bloody brilliant. I'm obsessed with Juicy J and the beats used are amazingly trippy. Even though I'm upset that he's the only collaboration on the album, it's a great collaboration and is not only making me excited to hear some of Juicy J's work but a perfect piece of Prism. Go on, have a listen. You won't regret it.

• This Is How We Do (C+)

 I think I like this song more than I should. It has so much sassitude (great made-up word). It's a very catchy tune and I particulary love the chorus, but I don't like the bit when she's talking to us. In fact I don't like it at all. Which is why I gave it a C+. I'm not a popstar so I can't really judge, but I would of loved this song a lot more without the 'inspiration voice over' BS. I still dig it though.

• International Smile  (B)

This sounds like a 'Teenage Dream' reject and I love it a lot. It's cute and I would love to see this song as a future single. It reminds me so much of Eurovision and the 'cabin crew' speech is the gayest thing you will hear on 'Prism' and I love it (unless 'Walking On Air' is ACTUALLY about anal sex).

•  Ghost (B-)

This song is probably about Russell Brand and you can tell from the start. The first couple of  seconds you'll probably eye roll and wonder why she's turned into Adele. But then the chorus hits us like Rik Waller at an all you can buffet. This song is amazing. I love it.

• Love Me (D)

This song is very chilling and the lyrics are quite nice but I'm not feeling it. Even though you can tell this is more of an album filler than a hit single, the bridge is great. I love the title because it certainly relates to my love affair with Zayn Malik, but this song is the 'basic bitch' in the High School of Prism.

• This Moment (C-)

 Quite a nice power ballad but again, I think we've certainly hit the 'album filler' section of Prism. You can tell that only the super fans of Katy Perry will be listening to this part of the album next year. That's not necessarily a bad thing because this song is cute.

• Double Rainbow (B)

I really like this song. Even though it probably won't be a single (but we can all dream). The lyrics are really pretty and the melodies are nice. I like the lyric 'One man's trash is another man's treasure'. Which is ironic because I'm sure most of you don't agree with my grading system throughout this review. OH WELL. THAT'S THE EDUCATION SYSTEM FOR YOU.

• By The Grace Of God (C)

This song is beautiful and I'm sure that it has a lot of fans. But I'm very tired and this is the last song I'm going to review. I'm getting quite sick of ballad-y songs. If you're going to have lots of slow songs, please don't put them one after the other. Spread them out like a sluts legs. People will lose interest. But this song is alright and a nice ending to the album.

MTV VMA's REVIEW (CAITLIN MORAN EDITION)

I woke up on Monday the 26th of August with a very bad hangover and 17 missed calls. Before sorting all that out, I naturally checked twitter to witness the best photo ever of Lady Gaga with One Direction at the MTV VMA's. This got me very excited to watch the actual show. I refused to watch any performance, tried my best not to look at any photos (very hard for a professional fan-girl), or look up who won what award. So I'm going to review the performances from the show and the fashion from the night.

PERFORMANCES

Lady Gaga opened the award show by performing her new single 'Applause' (watch it here) and it was a bloody good performance. I like how she incorporated every single album era that she's been through and ending it in the 'ARTPOP' era. The booing at the start also made me laugh a little, it was just a little 'fuck you' to all the hateful critics.

Miley Cyrus caused a bit of a stir by degrading the entire female population by wearing practically nothing whilst wanking off a Mickey Mouse finger and twerking against Robin Thicke's crotch (watch here). WE GET IT, YOU'RE GROWN UP. Don't get me wrong, I see nothing wrong with nudity. The human body is a beautiful thing and it should be embraced. I find it weird when people are uncomfortable by someones ass crack on TV. Gaga used nudity in her performance and I know I'm probably biased here, but it was tasteful. She looked like she was cut out of Botticelli's "The Birth of Venus." But Miley took it a bit too far. If Robin Thicke was absent from the performance and it was just Miley in that outfit, not as many people would of complained. It was just way too over-sexualised. It's a shame because I really like Miley and I think she has one of the most pure and unique voices in pop music.

Women in popular music are becoming way too slutty, and people find it inspiring because popstars are doing what they want to, when most of these ideas come from male propaganda. It's pretty much impossible to stop degrading women all together, especially in this sex obsessed culture. Over-sexualisation of women has become so extreme that it's time to fight fire with fire. We need to see men being treated the same way women are being treated in music, film and the media. It's unfair to be brainwashing certain traits, stereotypes and expectations to new generations.

Let's stop talking about vagina's for a moment, although it's going to be hard not to because mine was gushing last night during Justin Timberlake's performance (I really am a man, I swear). He won the lifetime achievement award which has something to do with Micheal Jackson for some reason that I do not know. Winning this award, he treated us with a fifteen minute performance of all his classics, three songs from his amazing new album and a little song with NSYNC. HE IS JUST THE BEST POPSTAR EVER ISN'T HE? I love him and want to marry him. Highlights include: The NCYNC reunion, Mirrors, Cry Me a River, My Love & Take Back the Night. Basically, the entire thing.

Now it's time to talk about my favourite part of the show. Macklemore & Ryan Lewis' performance of 'Same Love'. I'm obsessed with Macklemore. He's officially my favourite rap artist ever. The performance was amazing, the song is touching and has a meaning so close to my heart. It's nice to see that songs about gay rights are becoming mainstream. In fact it's amazing, especially in hip hop which is probably one of the most homophobic genre's of music. PLUS JENNIFER HUDSON CAME OUT AT THE END. FUCK. (watch here).

Katy Perry ended the show in front of the Brooklyn Bridge (watch here). Her vocals were on top form and it's so lovely to see that she's growing as an artist even though I'm going to miss that blue wig so much. Roar is an amazing song and I'm very excited to see the music video. Do not disappoint me Perry. I got my eye's on you.

FASHION

Best Dressed

Ellie Goulding (left), Selena Gomez (middle) and Taylor Swift (right).

Worst Dressed

Erin Wasson (left), Miley Cyrus (middle) and Katy Perry (right).

Why Pitbull is the Judas of the Music Industry.

Judas's betrayal of Jesus was part of the prophecy. Just like Pitbull's music is part of the prophecy of pop music. Jesus foresees Judas's betrayal, making betrayal not an act of free will (in my opinion), therefore should not be punishable. So as bad as his music can be, people should back off Pitbull. His music may not be the best, but can we really hate someone who samples A-Ha's "Take On Me"? No.

Without Pitbull, I think we can all agree that we'd feel comfortable watching a post-come back Jennifer Lopez music video. But without him we wouldn't have decently sung verses, choruses or bridges by Christina Aguilera, Ne-Yo, Marc Anthony  or Shakira. We'd just have a creepy bald man who resembles the actual cartoon mole rat from 'Kim Possible', rapping about the club even though he looks like he's in his mid-40's (he's actually 31).

So instead of hating Pitbull, I call for an intervension. We will not praise nor hate the artist with the name Pitbull. We will respect him for collaborating with brilliant popstars who may need a bit of promotional help with future albums (*cough* Christina Aguilera *cough*), because even though his music is below average on my scale of brilliant pop music, the radio plays the shit out of him.

For those of you who would like to respect the modern-day Judas, here is a Spotify playlist I made completely wasted full of Pitbull songs I probably love when I'm drunk.