Why Beyonce is basically Jesus

A couple of days ago, Beyoncé decided to release an album, just out of the blue (Ivy). It's a pretty fantastic album. She shook and woke up the world with an album, which is the best way to be awoken. The album consists of 14 songs and 17 videos, which is how a pop album should be done. It's called 'BEYONCÉ' which is quite shit, isn't it? But it'll do because its BEYONCÉ!

I've already talked about my favourite songs of 2013, but you can always rely on Beyoncé to come and snatch the weaves' of basic pop bitches. The album features help from Pharell, Drake and Jay-Z, but for me, it's all about Bey. Her vocals have never sounded purer or more amazing, the videos are stunning and I've been internally squealing for the past 2 days

Here are some bullet-pointed lists about the new album:

The good things about 'BEYONCÉ'

• It's Beyoncé.
• The element of surprise.
• The songs are pretty good.
• 'Drunk in Love' is a fucking tune.
• It's Beyoncé.
• She has collaborated with my Odd Future Prince Frank Ocean.
• She knows how to do trap music correctly.
• #FEMINISM
• The videos are pretty good.
• It's Beyoncé

The bad things about 'BEYONCÉ'

• The album artwork is pretty shit.
• The title
• It could do with some bangers.
• There are no 'Put a Donk on it' moments.
• She's featured her baby on a song.
• "Standing On The Sun" is not on the album.

 My favourite songs on 'BEYONCÉ'

• Pretty Hurts
• Drunk in Love
• Blow
• Partition
• Jealous
• Flawless

My least favourite (but still okay) songs on 'BEYONCÉ'

• No Angel
• Heaven
• Rocket
• Blue

What you will need to listen to 'BEYONCÉ'

• The actual album, which you exchange your money for here.
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2014 POP CULTURE PREDICTIONS

Last year, I predicted the future of pop culture. And unless Mutya-Keisha-Siobhan release an amazing song within this last and remaining month of 2013, then I didn't do very well. But I really enjoyed releasing my inner-Raven Symone and predicting what will happen in the celebrity world. So here we go, here's what I think will happen in 2014:

• Twerking will become illegal in many institutions. People really need to understand that twerking isn't cute, and never will be. The Government will soon realise what it's doing to society and make it against the law to twerk.
• Taylor Swift will shag more boys.
• She will write more songs about the boys she shagged.
• Zac Efron will show the world how amazing he is doing after his drug problem and do an interview with Oprah. 
• Zac Efron will also come out as gay and become my boyfriend.
• Tom Daley will dump his sugar daddy and join Zac and I's relationship.
• There will be another Lindsay Lohan mugshot, and someone will put that mugshot on an actual mug.
• Beyoncé will finally release her much anticipated fifth album, and people will think she is actually Jesus Christ. Amen.
•  Amanda Bynes will have her acting comeback and it will be shit, because she wasn't that good anyway, was she?
• Lady Gaga will cancel her performance on the moon because she realises that she's human and no-one should put themselves in that position unless they have a death wish.
• I will see One Direction and Harry Styles will look at me and say, "Wow, you're beautiful. Want to hang sometime?"
• I will accept his offer.
• We will have sex

So there you go. All of these will happen next year. Are you excited? I am. 

FASHION REVIEW: MET GALA.

I'm sitting in my room wearing my Tigger pajamas, giving me avant-garde realness that makes me more than suitable to review the fashion mishaps at this years Met Gala. I'm not sure what exactly the Met Gala is but I think it's an exhibition/party that goes on every year and a lot of celebrities make too much effort to impress other celebrities. This years theme was punk, so I probably should add a playlist full to the brim of punk edginess, but I'm gay so that's not going to happen. So instead, here are some tunes that I love, that are closest to the genre 'punk' I will ever get.

OK SO HERE WE GO

 My head hurts hunny. I need some eye protection to look at you. It's cute though. (Beyoncé in Givenchy)

It's so nice to see the winning horse from this years Grand National has become quite the socialite. Looks like he's had some work done on his mane too. (Sarah Jessica Parker in Giles Deacon and Phillip Tracey)

That baby needs to come out of her fucking womb so she can look cute wearing clothes again. (Kim Kardashian in Riccardo Tisci)

Honestly, I just screamed with terror. (Madonna in Givenchy)

WE GET IT. YOU'RE A 'REBEL' (Miley Cyrus in Marc Jacobs)

Sign my adoption papers already. This is how Miley Cyrus SHOULD look. PS Your tits are almost out. (Anne Hathaway in Valentino)

She doesn't look half bad for once. In fact, if I was on RuPaul's Drag Race, I would work this dress. (Katy Perry in Dolce and Gabanna) 

Speaking of RuPaul's Drag Race. Why was Roxxxy Andrews there? She didn't even win. (JLo in  Micheal Kors)

She looks confused. So do I. (Gwyneth Paltrow in Valentino Couture) (That was very sexy to type)

What I liked and what I didn't like - Beyonce's halftime show.

WHAT I LIKED

• The promotion

 

•  This

• When she danced with lots of Beyonce

• The Holy Trinity inclusion

• Treating them like backup singers and backup dancers

•  SHE SANG BABY BOY

• All the fucking fire

• Whipping her fans with her hair, because peasants can't touch her face.

 WHAT I DIDN'T LIKE

•  It was way too short
• There were only two special guests
• Michelle Williams is still around
• It was very short
• The opening act
• No new single
• It was short
• 10 FUCKING MINUTES???? 

2013 Pop Cultural Predictions

January. This word sends shivers down my spine. All the 'new year, new me' bullshit with people unnecessarily announcing that their diet is going well. Well I have one thing to say to all of you that say/do annoying things during this awful month. 'Fuck off.' But at least we have a whole new year of pop culture to look forward to, so here are my pop culture predictions of 2013, which is more or less a wish list.
       If you are a frequent reader of my not so interesting blog, then you know I absolutely adore Tom Daley. So my first 'prediction' is that by the end of 2013 he will release a statement that he is a gay man who has secretly had a civil partnership with a huge black man and/or me. Maybe I'm going a bit too far, but that would be a (wet) dream come true, no?
       Ok, so we know the Sugababes are reuniting with an absolutely awful new name, 'Mutya-Keisha-Siobhan.' I'm not being funny, but how do they expect people to say the fucking name without googling it, and saying it really slowly. So my prediction for 'MKS' is simple. If they release a club banger (rumoured) then they will probably do pretty well and have a good, solid pop album with a sold out (ish) arena tour, but if they release (and God forgive me for using this word) a ballad, then they will flop, and flop hard (if you hadn't noticed, I hate ballads).
       Lady Gaga will prove to everyone that she is alive and release 'ARTPOP,' which apparently is a lot more fun than her previous album 'Born This Way' but just as risky, which is rather exciting isn't it? If you follow me on tumblr you will know that the sometime-jazz singer is one of my favourite artists, if not, my all time favourite artist. So it is no secret that I cannot wait for the 'Bad Romance' singer (best song of all time, no?) to release her new album. My prediction is that the album will do pretty well, if not amazingly depending on how good the first single is. I also predict that she will preform with Beyoncé (again, more of a wish) at the Superbowl half time show, which will be all kinds of amazing.
       Les Misérables will do very well during awards season and I will become 75% more gay during awards season because of Anne Hathaway and all her amazing-ness. I think Anne Hathaway could play any character in the world and do an incredible job. Lindsay Lohan will have many more comebacks and people will realise each comeback that she has lost her Midas touch and has become a shit actress.
       Finally, it was released today that Destiny's Child and Justin Timberlake are going to have comebacks VERY SOON. I would go on and talk about it but my brain needs more time to digest the information (can we all have a collective HOLY SHIT BALLS).

That's all.
Jack

PS Justin Bieber will still be annoying