An Open Letter to Paris Hilton

It has come to my attention that since starting university in 2012, the longest amount of time I've gone without listening to Paris Hilton is probably three days (I usually blame the shuffle). This is becoming an issue as people don't understand my fondness for the famous heiress. I know that she can't sing, I know that most of her songs are utter crap and this isn't an opinion that I share with many people, but I think that Paris Hilton could be an above-average popstar if she put her mind to it. I mean she is (fractionally) responsible for  'Stars are Blind', which is a pretty amazing pop song if you ask me.

Paris recently released a teaser for her new song and music video called Never Be Alone (you can watch it here) and it made me feel really sad. We all know she isn't going to stop releasing music for anyone, so she could at least make it bearable (Paris. If you're reading this, I'm working with you not against you). I think it's time Paris Hilton worked with cooler people, so the public would get cooler music. I've decided to create an in-depth list of songs Paris should've sung if the original artists hadn't already, and the music video concepts to said songs (I have way too much fucking time on my hands)

• No Doubt - Just A Girl

If Paris released this song, it would be amazing in the music video, I'd have Paris surrounded by giant teddy bears and topless men in a Toys R' Us.

• Lady Gaga - Gypsy

 If Paris was to release this song, the music video would include Paris traveling around the world visiting different Hilton hotels.

• Madonna - Sorry

If Paris was to release this song, it would feature Pitbull and the music video would be black and white, flicking between a club scene and Paris crying, looking over the Los Angeles skyline.

• Girls Aloud - The Loving Kind

If Paris was to relese this beauty, the video would feature her floating in a bubble.

• Paris Hilton - Stars Are Blind   

Just for old times' sake.

So there you go. Paris Hilton should sound like this if she wants to make it big time in the world of pop. Or she could try and be best friends with Nicole Richie again to release another series of The Simple Life. Either way, life would be good.

FASHION REVIEW: MET GALA.

I'm sitting in my room wearing my Tigger pajamas, giving me avant-garde realness that makes me more than suitable to review the fashion mishaps at this years Met Gala. I'm not sure what exactly the Met Gala is but I think it's an exhibition/party that goes on every year and a lot of celebrities make too much effort to impress other celebrities. This years theme was punk, so I probably should add a playlist full to the brim of punk edginess, but I'm gay so that's not going to happen. So instead, here are some tunes that I love, that are closest to the genre 'punk' I will ever get.

OK SO HERE WE GO

 My head hurts hunny. I need some eye protection to look at you. It's cute though. (Beyoncé in Givenchy)

It's so nice to see the winning horse from this years Grand National has become quite the socialite. Looks like he's had some work done on his mane too. (Sarah Jessica Parker in Giles Deacon and Phillip Tracey)

That baby needs to come out of her fucking womb so she can look cute wearing clothes again. (Kim Kardashian in Riccardo Tisci)

Honestly, I just screamed with terror. (Madonna in Givenchy)

WE GET IT. YOU'RE A 'REBEL' (Miley Cyrus in Marc Jacobs)

Sign my adoption papers already. This is how Miley Cyrus SHOULD look. PS Your tits are almost out. (Anne Hathaway in Valentino)

She doesn't look half bad for once. In fact, if I was on RuPaul's Drag Race, I would work this dress. (Katy Perry in Dolce and Gabanna) 

Speaking of RuPaul's Drag Race. Why was Roxxxy Andrews there? She didn't even win. (JLo in  Micheal Kors)

She looks confused. So do I. (Gwyneth Paltrow in Valentino Couture) (That was very sexy to type)