An Open Letter to Paris Hilton

It has come to my attention that since starting university in 2012, the longest amount of time I've gone without listening to Paris Hilton is probably three days (I usually blame the shuffle). This is becoming an issue as people don't understand my fondness for the famous heiress. I know that she can't sing, I know that most of her songs are utter crap and this isn't an opinion that I share with many people, but I think that Paris Hilton could be an above-average popstar if she put her mind to it. I mean she is (fractionally) responsible for  'Stars are Blind', which is a pretty amazing pop song if you ask me.

Paris recently released a teaser for her new song and music video called Never Be Alone (you can watch it here) and it made me feel really sad. We all know she isn't going to stop releasing music for anyone, so she could at least make it bearable (Paris. If you're reading this, I'm working with you not against you). I think it's time Paris Hilton worked with cooler people, so the public would get cooler music. I've decided to create an in-depth list of songs Paris should've sung if the original artists hadn't already, and the music video concepts to said songs (I have way too much fucking time on my hands)

• No Doubt - Just A Girl

If Paris released this song, it would be amazing in the music video, I'd have Paris surrounded by giant teddy bears and topless men in a Toys R' Us.

• Lady Gaga - Gypsy

 If Paris was to release this song, the music video would include Paris traveling around the world visiting different Hilton hotels.

• Madonna - Sorry

If Paris was to release this song, it would feature Pitbull and the music video would be black and white, flicking between a club scene and Paris crying, looking over the Los Angeles skyline.

• Girls Aloud - The Loving Kind

If Paris was to relese this beauty, the video would feature her floating in a bubble.

• Paris Hilton - Stars Are Blind   

Just for old times' sake.

So there you go. Paris Hilton should sound like this if she wants to make it big time in the world of pop. Or she could try and be best friends with Nicole Richie again to release another series of The Simple Life. Either way, life would be good.

FASHION REVIEW: BUSTED

I really like talking about celebrity fashion, and by that I mean judging the fuck out of clothes worn by people I will never meet. So I think I'm going to start and do this monthly with a different theme each time. You know, for the shits n' gigs. At the begining of this week, Lindsay Lohan went to court and got sent to rehab, so naturally this months theme is THE LAW! Here are some celebrities going to court and some comments on their clothes. To make this a more riveting experience, here's a playlist of some law/drug/government themed songs. Such fun.

Linsday Lohan turning up to court on Monday. I've never seen so many layers on this bitch before. Her poor vagina must be confused.

It looks like Tulisa either has a small penis, or just did a fanny fart. Either way she looks kinda pretty. Shit hair though.

Why isn't Naomi Campbell a Dame yet? FIERCE.

Oh no Cheryl. Carrie Bradshaw would not approve, and neither would the 2013 Cheryl Cole.

Every time I see a picture of either one of them, I want them to jump off something very high. She looks like a hill-billy Oompa Loompa on stilts and he looks Constipated. (Katie Price and Peter Andre)

HAVE A FUCKING BURGER! (Paris Hilton)

It's only right we finish where we started. Lindsay Lohan channeling her inner Marilyn. Very clASSy.