My ten favourite pop songs of 2013

10. Macklemore & Ryan Lewis - 'Same Love'

'The Heist' by Macklemore & Ryan Lewis is a great album. An album I love from start to finish. This song stuck out to me the most (naturally), because of it's great message. It was so lovely to hear a song about gay & lesbian rights not only being played on Top 40 radio, but doing very well and receiving great feedback. I take my hat off to you Macklemore, even if you did sing 'Thrift Shop'.

 9. Katy Perry - 'Double Rainbow'

No pop music countdown would be complete without Katy Perry. Because I don't really like Roar, I decided to choose my favourite song from the album, 'Prism', called Double Rainbow. This song makes me feel really happy and lyrically, it's just lovely. 

8. BREACH - 'JACK'

This is my favourite 'clubby' song of the year. Not because I'm a massive narcissist and I love how it's named after me, but (contrary to the video) it's just really sexy isn't it? Just for your information, I really like/have a massive crush on the man with the lisp/mustache in the video. Do not question my judgement on boys.

7. Miley Cyrus - 'We Can't Stop'

Even if she's quite provocative, Miley Cyrus is a great pop star. People tend to take pop music too seriously, and not seriously enough. This is a great song, but she needs to stop twerking because I want twerking to not be a 'thing'.

6. Disclosure/Sam Smith/ Nile Rodgers/Jimmy Napes – 'Together'

WARNING: This song will give you a boner.

5. VV Brown - 'The Apple'

It makes me very sad that songs like this don't get a lot more recognition. I'm sure that VV Brown will be huge in the near future. Everyone should have this on their iTunes, so go and exchange your money for this beautiful song.

4. Lady Gaga ft. R.Kelly - 'Do What U Want'

I was on the train to Machester when I heard that my two favourite artists of all time were collaborating. The woman sitting next to me probably thought I was having a seizure before we hit Milton Keynes. This song is dripping in sex, even if Lady Gaga says it isn't about sex. This song got me pregnant and I'm not getting an abortion.

3. Katy B - '3am'

I used to hate Katy B for no reason. Now I'm in love with her. Any woman who can make a song like this will make me question my sexuality (form a line, ladies).

2. Sky Ferreira - 'You're Not The One'

My favourite album of 2013 is 'Night Time, My Time' by this lady. She is amazing and creates the best pop music. This is just a fraction of how amazing her work is. Everyone should go and support her, even though she'll probably spend your money on ecstasy. 

1. Lorde - Royals

I know you're probably rolling your eyes at me for choosing this as my number one song from 2013, but for the amounts of times I've played this whilst smoking a cigarette and acting all pensive, it deserves it. Now go and listen to her entire album you judgmental bunch of arseholes.

PEACE

-JACK

xoxo

AMA FASHION

On Sunday night, the 2013 AMA's took place in LA and I'm going to be Joan Rivers for a couple hours by judging a celebrity based on the clothes that they wore. Let's get on with it.

Katy Perry is wearing Oscar de la Renta and looks magical. Yes, it does look like a duvet print, but she is making her bed and sleeping in it (shit metaphor, I'm tired).

I really want Emma Roberts to be my friend. I love this Lanvin maxi-dress. In fact, I want it, and I'm a boy.

Lady Gaga wearing Versace (naturally). She look's really pretty, and maintained this in her costume changes throughout the night. I can't get over how much she looks like a young Donatella.

Kelly Osbourne in Rami Al Ali (I think). I don't know if I like this, or completely hate it. The silhouette is weird, and the top half of the dress is really unflattering. But it's cute in a prom-y way.

Ariana Grande in Dolce and Gabbana. Ariana is my favourite popstar of 2013 and this dress is perfect. She looks all woman and a total sexpot. Her stylist finally gets some praise from me. Congratulations, she doesn't look like a fetus.

Miley Cyrus is a simple Vercase Verses pantsuite. I like it. She looks older and more mature than usual, but it's cute. She is serving up executive realness.

Taylor Swift in Julien Macdonald. She looks amazing and I really want her legs. I wish she didn't have that nude triangle by her breasticles though. Would've looked a lot nicer without it.

KATY PERRY - PRISM REVIEW

After listening to Prism, I feel like Katy Perry has finally found herself as an artist. I was originally expecting quite a dark album after the whole divorce thing that happend, but was pleasantly surprised that even though her sound has changed, it's still Katy. It's an uplifting album with great, credible pop music. I will now take you on a journey through the album and express my opinion on each song (One way tickets only and they're non-refundable). I will be rating the songs like a teacher grades an essay because with my beautiful voice (sarcasm), I can only hope Katy see's me as a teacher, role model and best friend. So A+ means brilliant, and F means the biggest pile of bullshit I've ever heard (spoiler alert, there are no F's).

• Roar (A-)

The first single, the opening track and a great song. After listening to the whole album, you can tell she's been inspired by her support acts from the 'California Dreams Tour' (which was pretty amazing), Marina and the Diamonds, Robyn and Oh Land. Katy has embraced their left-field stance on popular music and brought it to the mainstream, which is bloody brilliant. But in terms of the song overall, it does what it says on the tin. A fierce, inspirational jam perfect for the gym, getting work done and anything else you need inspiration for.

• Legendary Lovers (B-)

 Even though I'm kind of over popstars sampling melodies from the East to be controversial, Legendary Lovers is a pretty good example of what it's like when it's done right. On my first listen, I thought this song was pretty shit, but I was wrong and I can only apologise. It's a very pretty song with probably my favourite vocals on the whole album.

• Birthday (D)

I'M SORRY I'M JUST NOT FEELING IT. But just because it's not my cup of tea, doesn't mean it can't be yours. What's peppermint to me, could be your Earl Grey. It sounds like a cheesy song that Butlins would use for their advertising campaign.

 

• Walking On Air (A+)

This song is my personal favourite of Prism and it should be yours too. Why? Well here is a list:

1. It is great for popping that pussy.
2. It has this amazing nineties vibe.
3. I'm almost 80% sure that this song is about anal sex.

If you don't believe me, have a listen. If you don't like it, you're wrong.

• Unconditionally (C-)

It's not that I don't like this song. I think it's a great song, it's sung beautifully and is probably one of the most relatable songs on the album. But I'm quite upset that Katy has chosen this to be the second single off the album. Which is why I decided to give it a C- when it's really a B. I'M BITTER. SO WHAT?

• Dark Horse (ft. Juicy J) (A)

 This is another favourite from the album. The whole 'trap' trend is so yawn, but I find this song bloody brilliant. I'm obsessed with Juicy J and the beats used are amazingly trippy. Even though I'm upset that he's the only collaboration on the album, it's a great collaboration and is not only making me excited to hear some of Juicy J's work but a perfect piece of Prism. Go on, have a listen. You won't regret it.

• This Is How We Do (C+)

 I think I like this song more than I should. It has so much sassitude (great made-up word). It's a very catchy tune and I particulary love the chorus, but I don't like the bit when she's talking to us. In fact I don't like it at all. Which is why I gave it a C+. I'm not a popstar so I can't really judge, but I would of loved this song a lot more without the 'inspiration voice over' BS. I still dig it though.

• International Smile  (B)

This sounds like a 'Teenage Dream' reject and I love it a lot. It's cute and I would love to see this song as a future single. It reminds me so much of Eurovision and the 'cabin crew' speech is the gayest thing you will hear on 'Prism' and I love it (unless 'Walking On Air' is ACTUALLY about anal sex).

•  Ghost (B-)

This song is probably about Russell Brand and you can tell from the start. The first couple of  seconds you'll probably eye roll and wonder why she's turned into Adele. But then the chorus hits us like Rik Waller at an all you can buffet. This song is amazing. I love it.

• Love Me (D)

This song is very chilling and the lyrics are quite nice but I'm not feeling it. Even though you can tell this is more of an album filler than a hit single, the bridge is great. I love the title because it certainly relates to my love affair with Zayn Malik, but this song is the 'basic bitch' in the High School of Prism.

• This Moment (C-)

 Quite a nice power ballad but again, I think we've certainly hit the 'album filler' section of Prism. You can tell that only the super fans of Katy Perry will be listening to this part of the album next year. That's not necessarily a bad thing because this song is cute.

• Double Rainbow (B)

I really like this song. Even though it probably won't be a single (but we can all dream). The lyrics are really pretty and the melodies are nice. I like the lyric 'One man's trash is another man's treasure'. Which is ironic because I'm sure most of you don't agree with my grading system throughout this review. OH WELL. THAT'S THE EDUCATION SYSTEM FOR YOU.

• By The Grace Of God (C)

This song is beautiful and I'm sure that it has a lot of fans. But I'm very tired and this is the last song I'm going to review. I'm getting quite sick of ballad-y songs. If you're going to have lots of slow songs, please don't put them one after the other. Spread them out like a sluts legs. People will lose interest. But this song is alright and a nice ending to the album.

MTV VMA's REVIEW (CAITLIN MORAN EDITION)

I woke up on Monday the 26th of August with a very bad hangover and 17 missed calls. Before sorting all that out, I naturally checked twitter to witness the best photo ever of Lady Gaga with One Direction at the MTV VMA's. This got me very excited to watch the actual show. I refused to watch any performance, tried my best not to look at any photos (very hard for a professional fan-girl), or look up who won what award. So I'm going to review the performances from the show and the fashion from the night.

PERFORMANCES

Lady Gaga opened the award show by performing her new single 'Applause' (watch it here) and it was a bloody good performance. I like how she incorporated every single album era that she's been through and ending it in the 'ARTPOP' era. The booing at the start also made me laugh a little, it was just a little 'fuck you' to all the hateful critics.

Miley Cyrus caused a bit of a stir by degrading the entire female population by wearing practically nothing whilst wanking off a Mickey Mouse finger and twerking against Robin Thicke's crotch (watch here). WE GET IT, YOU'RE GROWN UP. Don't get me wrong, I see nothing wrong with nudity. The human body is a beautiful thing and it should be embraced. I find it weird when people are uncomfortable by someones ass crack on TV. Gaga used nudity in her performance and I know I'm probably biased here, but it was tasteful. She looked like she was cut out of Botticelli's "The Birth of Venus." But Miley took it a bit too far. If Robin Thicke was absent from the performance and it was just Miley in that outfit, not as many people would of complained. It was just way too over-sexualised. It's a shame because I really like Miley and I think she has one of the most pure and unique voices in pop music.

Women in popular music are becoming way too slutty, and people find it inspiring because popstars are doing what they want to, when most of these ideas come from male propaganda. It's pretty much impossible to stop degrading women all together, especially in this sex obsessed culture. Over-sexualisation of women has become so extreme that it's time to fight fire with fire. We need to see men being treated the same way women are being treated in music, film and the media. It's unfair to be brainwashing certain traits, stereotypes and expectations to new generations.

Let's stop talking about vagina's for a moment, although it's going to be hard not to because mine was gushing last night during Justin Timberlake's performance (I really am a man, I swear). He won the lifetime achievement award which has something to do with Micheal Jackson for some reason that I do not know. Winning this award, he treated us with a fifteen minute performance of all his classics, three songs from his amazing new album and a little song with NSYNC. HE IS JUST THE BEST POPSTAR EVER ISN'T HE? I love him and want to marry him. Highlights include: The NCYNC reunion, Mirrors, Cry Me a River, My Love & Take Back the Night. Basically, the entire thing.

Now it's time to talk about my favourite part of the show. Macklemore & Ryan Lewis' performance of 'Same Love'. I'm obsessed with Macklemore. He's officially my favourite rap artist ever. The performance was amazing, the song is touching and has a meaning so close to my heart. It's nice to see that songs about gay rights are becoming mainstream. In fact it's amazing, especially in hip hop which is probably one of the most homophobic genre's of music. PLUS JENNIFER HUDSON CAME OUT AT THE END. FUCK. (watch here).

Katy Perry ended the show in front of the Brooklyn Bridge (watch here). Her vocals were on top form and it's so lovely to see that she's growing as an artist even though I'm going to miss that blue wig so much. Roar is an amazing song and I'm very excited to see the music video. Do not disappoint me Perry. I got my eye's on you.

FASHION

Best Dressed

Ellie Goulding (left), Selena Gomez (middle) and Taylor Swift (right).

Worst Dressed

Erin Wasson (left), Miley Cyrus (middle) and Katy Perry (right).

FASHION REVIEW: MET GALA.

I'm sitting in my room wearing my Tigger pajamas, giving me avant-garde realness that makes me more than suitable to review the fashion mishaps at this years Met Gala. I'm not sure what exactly the Met Gala is but I think it's an exhibition/party that goes on every year and a lot of celebrities make too much effort to impress other celebrities. This years theme was punk, so I probably should add a playlist full to the brim of punk edginess, but I'm gay so that's not going to happen. So instead, here are some tunes that I love, that are closest to the genre 'punk' I will ever get.

OK SO HERE WE GO

 My head hurts hunny. I need some eye protection to look at you. It's cute though. (Beyoncé in Givenchy)

It's so nice to see the winning horse from this years Grand National has become quite the socialite. Looks like he's had some work done on his mane too. (Sarah Jessica Parker in Giles Deacon and Phillip Tracey)

That baby needs to come out of her fucking womb so she can look cute wearing clothes again. (Kim Kardashian in Riccardo Tisci)

Honestly, I just screamed with terror. (Madonna in Givenchy)

WE GET IT. YOU'RE A 'REBEL' (Miley Cyrus in Marc Jacobs)

Sign my adoption papers already. This is how Miley Cyrus SHOULD look. PS Your tits are almost out. (Anne Hathaway in Valentino)

She doesn't look half bad for once. In fact, if I was on RuPaul's Drag Race, I would work this dress. (Katy Perry in Dolce and Gabanna) 

Speaking of RuPaul's Drag Race. Why was Roxxxy Andrews there? She didn't even win. (JLo in  Micheal Kors)

She looks confused. So do I. (Gwyneth Paltrow in Valentino Couture) (That was very sexy to type)

Review: The 55th Annual Grammy Awards 2013.

Last night I got a bit too gay with the BAFTA's and The Grammy's on back to back. I got very excited and tweeted way too much but whatever. I'm going to review the Grammy's now.

Taylor Swift opened the show with this weird mad hatter shit that was really unnecessary. Ever since she's changed from country to pop she's gone all Gaga, which you'd think I'd be fine with. But I'm not. She also said something in a British accent which everyone thinks has to do with the Harry Styles breakup. If that is the case; Bitch please. You do not know who you're messing with.

'Best Pop Solo Performance' went to Adele which is not hard to believe, although 21 was released two fucking years ago, so the Grammy's really need to get out of Adele's vagina. But Adele's acceptance speeches always make me smile. You can take the girl out of Essex, eh? Plus she needs a new stylist because I don't know what she was wearing, but my mother has the exact same bedsheets at home. We'll get into style and fashion later.

Ed Sheeran and Elton John sang 'The A Team' together which would of been nice if they didn't. Ed Sheeran is basically the Cookie Monster with syphilis and heartache. I'm glad he didn't win a Grammy because if he did, he would of thought he's done something right, *waits for white teenage girls to hit me with their Starbucks card*. Fun. also sang which was quite nice because they didn't sing We Are Young. They also won two Grammy's which is again quite nice, because in 2012 the radio really wanted us to like Fun.

Miranda Lambert and Dierks Bently entertained the entire state of Texas, and Texas only, trying to make country music happen (Taylor Swift tried and she gave up). Although I've got to say I am a huge Carrie Underwood fan after last night. Her performance was properly amazing with the cool, projector dress thing going on. Carrie Underwood also won a Grammy for country solo performance. Mumford and Sons sang which was cool, but American's categorise them as rock. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't see Mumford as a rock band. When was the last time you saw Bruce Springsteen with a banjo?

The Grammy for urban contemporary album went to Frank Ocean's "Channel Orange." FUCK YEAH. FUCK YOU CHRIS BROWN. It was totes awks (totally awkward for people who don't speak white). Chris Brown and Frank Ocean in the same category. Frank Ocean had a little bandage around his finger. Frank Ocean won. Chris Brown was the only one in the room who didn't stand up. Frank Ocean had to walk past Chris Brown to accept his award. Frank Ocean had to do a speech knowing that everyone was thinking about their brawl. It was intense. Or maybe I'm thinking way too much into it because this paragraph is bigger than any other in this post, and it's only about Frank Ocean winning a Grammy. Maybe I should stop, but not before I say how happy I am Frank won. "channel ORANGE" was, and forever will be my favourite album of 2012 (I'm sorry Taylor Swift :( )

Justin Timberlake performed and it was fucking amazing. Ellen Degeneres and Beyonce introduced him on stage and every gay man in the world was fangirling for this amazing pairing. As Beyonce put it “This performance marks the return of a man born to make music.”And it sure did.

I'm going to stop going into detail now because I'm probably boring you, so in short here are some thing's I liked.

• Rihanna's performance
• The fact 'No Church in the Wild' won best collaboration
• PRINCE PRESENTED AN AWARD!!
• The Bob Marley tribute was nice, but no-one was smoking weed :(
• Album of the Year went to Mumford and Sons
• Frank Ocean's performance
• This photo

Now I'm going to show you a photo of the Best Dressed and the Worst Dressed with some runners up without photo's because that's the way I role.

BEST DRESSED

1. Kelly Rowland (GURL, YOU HAWT)
2. Rihanna (I can see you're nipples, and I like it)
3. Taylor Swift (Gets better every award show)

WORST DRESSED

1. Florence Welch (You look like fucking Reptar)
2. Adele (I'm sorry. I got excited when someone said you were wearing red, then you looked like a lampshade)
3. Carly Rae Jepsen (You looked like a sack of spuds love :( )