WHAT SINGLE PEOPLE SHOULD DO ON VALENTINES DAY

It's almost Valentines Day which means if you're single, couples will become even more annoying, you'll become clinically depressed and if you're lucky, you might even projectile vomit over all the lovey-dovey paraphernalia available. If you're not single, you can buy me ice cream to make it up to me. Being single on Valentines Day sucks and blows, and not in a good way. Here is a list of things to do on Valentines Day if you're single:

• Murder.
• Get wasted drunk with a selected group of single friends.
• Watch horror films.
• Chain smoke in your room until you sound like Shirley from Eastenders.
• DON'T WATCH BRIDGET JONES.
• Watch cartoons
• Try out something new. Opt-out for a ready meal lasagne instead of shepherds pie.
• Make Vodoo Dolls of your ex-boyfriends or ex-girlfriends and let your dominant alter-ego spread it's wings.
• Eat
• Eat some more.
• Ice cream is good.
• Host a gang bang for a recently paroled group of men.
• Get flowers delivered to yourself in a public area but make sure you put 'From Zac Efron' on the card.
• Go shopping
• Murder.

But maybe I'm just bitter?

KATY PERRY - PRISM REVIEW

After listening to Prism, I feel like Katy Perry has finally found herself as an artist. I was originally expecting quite a dark album after the whole divorce thing that happend, but was pleasantly surprised that even though her sound has changed, it's still Katy. It's an uplifting album with great, credible pop music. I will now take you on a journey through the album and express my opinion on each song (One way tickets only and they're non-refundable). I will be rating the songs like a teacher grades an essay because with my beautiful voice (sarcasm), I can only hope Katy see's me as a teacher, role model and best friend. So A+ means brilliant, and F means the biggest pile of bullshit I've ever heard (spoiler alert, there are no F's).

• Roar (A-)

The first single, the opening track and a great song. After listening to the whole album, you can tell she's been inspired by her support acts from the 'California Dreams Tour' (which was pretty amazing), Marina and the Diamonds, Robyn and Oh Land. Katy has embraced their left-field stance on popular music and brought it to the mainstream, which is bloody brilliant. But in terms of the song overall, it does what it says on the tin. A fierce, inspirational jam perfect for the gym, getting work done and anything else you need inspiration for.

• Legendary Lovers (B-)

 Even though I'm kind of over popstars sampling melodies from the East to be controversial, Legendary Lovers is a pretty good example of what it's like when it's done right. On my first listen, I thought this song was pretty shit, but I was wrong and I can only apologise. It's a very pretty song with probably my favourite vocals on the whole album.

• Birthday (D)

I'M SORRY I'M JUST NOT FEELING IT. But just because it's not my cup of tea, doesn't mean it can't be yours. What's peppermint to me, could be your Earl Grey. It sounds like a cheesy song that Butlins would use for their advertising campaign.

 

• Walking On Air (A+)

This song is my personal favourite of Prism and it should be yours too. Why? Well here is a list:

1. It is great for popping that pussy.
2. It has this amazing nineties vibe.
3. I'm almost 80% sure that this song is about anal sex.

If you don't believe me, have a listen. If you don't like it, you're wrong.

• Unconditionally (C-)

It's not that I don't like this song. I think it's a great song, it's sung beautifully and is probably one of the most relatable songs on the album. But I'm quite upset that Katy has chosen this to be the second single off the album. Which is why I decided to give it a C- when it's really a B. I'M BITTER. SO WHAT?

• Dark Horse (ft. Juicy J) (A)

 This is another favourite from the album. The whole 'trap' trend is so yawn, but I find this song bloody brilliant. I'm obsessed with Juicy J and the beats used are amazingly trippy. Even though I'm upset that he's the only collaboration on the album, it's a great collaboration and is not only making me excited to hear some of Juicy J's work but a perfect piece of Prism. Go on, have a listen. You won't regret it.

• This Is How We Do (C+)

 I think I like this song more than I should. It has so much sassitude (great made-up word). It's a very catchy tune and I particulary love the chorus, but I don't like the bit when she's talking to us. In fact I don't like it at all. Which is why I gave it a C+. I'm not a popstar so I can't really judge, but I would of loved this song a lot more without the 'inspiration voice over' BS. I still dig it though.

• International Smile  (B)

This sounds like a 'Teenage Dream' reject and I love it a lot. It's cute and I would love to see this song as a future single. It reminds me so much of Eurovision and the 'cabin crew' speech is the gayest thing you will hear on 'Prism' and I love it (unless 'Walking On Air' is ACTUALLY about anal sex).

•  Ghost (B-)

This song is probably about Russell Brand and you can tell from the start. The first couple of  seconds you'll probably eye roll and wonder why she's turned into Adele. But then the chorus hits us like Rik Waller at an all you can buffet. This song is amazing. I love it.

• Love Me (D)

This song is very chilling and the lyrics are quite nice but I'm not feeling it. Even though you can tell this is more of an album filler than a hit single, the bridge is great. I love the title because it certainly relates to my love affair with Zayn Malik, but this song is the 'basic bitch' in the High School of Prism.

• This Moment (C-)

 Quite a nice power ballad but again, I think we've certainly hit the 'album filler' section of Prism. You can tell that only the super fans of Katy Perry will be listening to this part of the album next year. That's not necessarily a bad thing because this song is cute.

• Double Rainbow (B)

I really like this song. Even though it probably won't be a single (but we can all dream). The lyrics are really pretty and the melodies are nice. I like the lyric 'One man's trash is another man's treasure'. Which is ironic because I'm sure most of you don't agree with my grading system throughout this review. OH WELL. THAT'S THE EDUCATION SYSTEM FOR YOU.

• By The Grace Of God (C)

This song is beautiful and I'm sure that it has a lot of fans. But I'm very tired and this is the last song I'm going to review. I'm getting quite sick of ballad-y songs. If you're going to have lots of slow songs, please don't put them one after the other. Spread them out like a sluts legs. People will lose interest. But this song is alright and a nice ending to the album.

Why Pitbull is the Judas of the Music Industry.

Judas's betrayal of Jesus was part of the prophecy. Just like Pitbull's music is part of the prophecy of pop music. Jesus foresees Judas's betrayal, making betrayal not an act of free will (in my opinion), therefore should not be punishable. So as bad as his music can be, people should back off Pitbull. His music may not be the best, but can we really hate someone who samples A-Ha's "Take On Me"? No.

Without Pitbull, I think we can all agree that we'd feel comfortable watching a post-come back Jennifer Lopez music video. But without him we wouldn't have decently sung verses, choruses or bridges by Christina Aguilera, Ne-Yo, Marc Anthony  or Shakira. We'd just have a creepy bald man who resembles the actual cartoon mole rat from 'Kim Possible', rapping about the club even though he looks like he's in his mid-40's (he's actually 31).

So instead of hating Pitbull, I call for an intervension. We will not praise nor hate the artist with the name Pitbull. We will respect him for collaborating with brilliant popstars who may need a bit of promotional help with future albums (*cough* Christina Aguilera *cough*), because even though his music is below average on my scale of brilliant pop music, the radio plays the shit out of him.

For those of you who would like to respect the modern-day Judas, here is a Spotify playlist I made completely wasted full of Pitbull songs I probably love when I'm drunk.

Love, dating and my sad, pathetic life.

For those who are new to this blog. Hello. I'm Jack. I'm 18 and I'm married to Shannen Doherty from the original Beverly Hills, 90210 with three kids. Well, this is not strictly true, although the essay I wrote when I was ten predicted I'd be married to a woman by 21, have a son at 24 and twin girls by the time I'm 30. Alas, I am a gay dude who's Facebook relationship status is single, and I have two years to find and marry Shannen Doherty.

Despite my desperation to find Zayn Malik, I've only ever had two gay relationships. One ended before coming to university last Summer, and the other with vodka (we're on a break, after what I can only describe as the worst hangover ever, sent from Hell) (I assume vodka is a boy, because it's so damn delicious). Because of my break-up with a boy I thought I'd be with for a long time ended, my bed has become my loving husband, and Netflix my harsh dominatrix of a mistress, demanding I devote all my time to watching The Hills and Jerseylicious (don't judge me).

The problem is I've not been a very good dater. The other night I decided to take someone out on a date. I was in charge of location, time, etc. and to be quite honest, it was lovely. We went for street food in Camden, followed by a cupcake accompanied walk to Primrose Hill, where we enjoyed hot chocolate and a chat, with the most amazing view of the London skyline. But now I don't know what to do or what to say.

I've spent nearly my entire teenage years in relationships with Troy Bolton, Justin Timberlake and Zack Morris from Saved by the Bell. My teenage years are almost over. I want to find someone that I can be myself around, have sexy times with, and do crosswords with whilst drinking a bottle of red. I really don't think I'll find this relationship in SoHo on a night out with my girls and gays. The only relationship you'll form from a night out in SoHo is with gonorrhea.

My problem is obvious. I'm not making the most of what I get. Cupid shoots the arrows and I go to surgically remove them. But I think this applies to all gay men. I've had two sexual experiences since coming to university. One of them included me bringing someone back to mine. It was just before Christmas and I really liked this person. I even cooked him oven chips for Christ's sake. If that doesn't scream true love, then I don't know what does. After getting the undercooked crumbs of the McCoys oven chips all over my sheets, we got a little frisky and had the best sleep ever resulting in a late for lecture fiasco with a quick digit exchange. After that, I didn't hear from him, and he didn't hear from me (if you're reading this, it's a bit fucking late now, and my apologies for not texting you). Maybe it's just my destiny to become a cat lady, which is fine and dandy with me because I spend 20% of my time youtubing cat videos, and another 20% looking for cat GIFS on tumblr. That's 40% guys. 40%.

This sad and pathetic blog posts calls for an intervention. I, Jack Rattenbury, am going to go on a second date this week. It's what Dame Lauren Conrad would want.

MY THING OF THE WEEK (Which isn't weekly anymore)

When I thought about doing this segment, I thought that it would be a very easy thing to do if I can't think of anything to write or I haven't had time to write anything good. But in fact, I was wrong, because this segment really isn't that interesting. A stranger that you hardly know telling you what they like suggesting that you check it out. It is pretentious as it sounds (who am I, Perez Hilton?). So this marks my last ever 'Thing of the Week (that isn't really weekly),' and this week it is (drum-roll please).

THE FOALS NEW ALBUM (I'm sorry gays). I hate myself for liking this. Here is one of my fave songs from the new album 'Holy Fire' (and their new single), called 'My Number'.

You're welcome.

MY BIG THING OF THIS WEEK.

Obviously it's Ke$ha. You can buy her new album 'Warrior' here if you enjoy talking/rapping/yodeling to electronic music. Y'all know I do.

I need a stiff drink and a stiff something else.

HELLO! Happy Thursday to you. I decided not to go out tonight and now, have this huge feeling of regret in the pit of my stomach. I haven't had a double vodka and red bull in about 6 days and this to me, is unacceptable to the highest degree. Also I'm feeling unloved. I'm sick and tired of being single and I really want to take part in the American activity of dating because, as a British citizen I feel like we don't really partake in dating, and if we do call it a date it tends to make things awkward. I guess we'd call it 'outings', am I right? So I want an awkward free date with someone that gives me an instaboner (that's instant boner to those who don't know, it's not an app that makes your dick sepia).  My perfect date would be a few drinks (obviously) , sharing a shit full amount of carbohydrates and a good fuck.

Here is a brief characterisation of my ideal man. I like light brown hair and blue eyes on other men *orgasm*. I like men with the same build as me (unless you are Tom Daley, then you can sit on my face), you have to either be a little taller or the same height as me. I love a good sense of humour and if you are lucky enough to be my boyfriend (pushing it), then I'll enjoy seasonal kiki's with you and dick banana splits. You have to like One Direction and support them through every decision they make. Also if I meet any of the following people, you need to understand that I am aloud to leave you if they are in love with me: Zayn Malik, Zac Efron, Tom Daley, Darren Criss, David Beckham or River Viiperi. Please note that this list does change sometimes (everyday). It would be nice if we had similar music tastes. Finally, and this is important, you cannot be clingy. This is the worst personality trait to me. I like time to myself and I think it's important to spend time on your own, as it is with people you love.

It's time for my 'THING OF THE WEEK' and for those of you who are actually feeling alone. This week it's a beautiful video made by a filmmaker called Andrea Dorfman. It's about being lonely and how to cope with it if you are. Whenever I do feel lonely (which is rare because I surround myself with some lovely people) I think of this video and all is good in the world.

Me, Myself and Vodka

Urm, hello? It's a veritable thrill to see you all reading my blog that I got told to start in order to have a better future career as a journalist. Well, my name is Jack Rattenbury, I'm eighteen years old from an average size town on the south Welsh coast. Like most aspiring feature writers I've moved to London, but I've only gone and done it in my student years. I'm studying Publishing, Journalism and Media at Middlesex University. I seem to be getting poor very quickly, in fact tonight I have decided to stay in and do my ironing because I can't afford to go out, and when I do go out I resemble Gordon Ramsey's forehead because of all the creases in my clothes.

But in all honestly I am having the best time of my life. The nights out are fantastic, my course is great and I've met some lovely people. I'm not even as homesick as I thought I would be. Coming from a very close family in Wales, I thought I would be crying every night under my duvet with my two gay boyfriends, Ben and Jerry. But I really haven't. Of course I'm excited to go home to visit my friends, family and my beautiful bed. But I'm very happy here. I'm in London for fuck sake.

So I'm poor and not homesick. Is there anything else I can tell my blog reader friends about myslef? Ah yes, I'm single. I'm single and gay. Also I feel as though I will be single for the rest of my life as the only realistic relationship I've had in the past 18 years of my life has been with a bottle of vodka. Here at university I have met a few gay people, but once friendships are established I tend to keep the label 'friends' as I don't want to add lonely to the list of adjectives that I would use to describe myself.

Shall we leave it there? I think we should as I feel another night with my two boyfriends will be on the cards very soon if I carry on. But no I am fine. Sweaty and lazy, but fine.

-Jack