Does size really matter?

The world of online dating has become literally, bonkers. People are becoming more and more picky when it comes to picking their future lover, whether they have to wear a uniform in the day or have a big dong. Yes, that's right, a big dong. I recently came across an advert for a new dating site specifically for people who like big dicks. You can find that website here (yes, it is called 7orBetter.com and I grant them 10 points for that name).

I never know how to feel about absolutely massive cocks or how anyone can have a fetish over it, especially if you're a gay bottom (I'M VERSITILE). Yes, I admit sometimes when I see one online (I'm not that lucky to experience the live show yet), I think to myself, 'Holy shit, that's beautiful.' Also, I don't know why but if I know someone has a big dick, I look at them as authoritative for some strange reason. I guess it's like dogs. You can't really call a chihuahua a dog, but you wouldn't fuck with a huge Rottweiler. On a purely visual level, looking at a big penis is like looking at the London's Gherkin, an absolutely beautiful landmark that makes you spew innuendo more than... well, I don't know the name of any other phallic landmark in the world that wouldn't scab your hole.

The question is, should the size of your chosen lover's penis be any different than having a preference over what colour eye's you prefer on your man or if you prefer Lady Gaga or Madonna? Due to the popular belief that 'bigger is better', you'd assume that people have every right to be picky with penises. But on the other hand, you can't change the size of your penis unless you get surgery and end up on a gone-wrong This Morning segment with Holly Willoughby uncontrollably laughing.

I think the answer to this not-so-important question is that it doesn't matter. It's what inside that matters. Dick size is only a tiny leaf on the oak tree of love.

ONLY KIDDING. WHERE'S THE BIG DICK AT?

On a serious note, life must be quite difficult if you have an insanely small penis. Especially if you're part of the gay community. A community that has welcomed me with open arms, but a community where appearance, confidence and semen are huge factors when it comes to love. All you have to do is visit douchebagsofgrindr.com to understand what it's like. I think people need to realise that whether they prefer a chopper or a chode, there is a human being attached to that penis they are scrutinising. What I'm trying to say is that I may prefer Lady Gaga, but I would never tell Madonna that.

MTV VMA's REVIEW (CAITLIN MORAN EDITION)

I woke up on Monday the 26th of August with a very bad hangover and 17 missed calls. Before sorting all that out, I naturally checked twitter to witness the best photo ever of Lady Gaga with One Direction at the MTV VMA's. This got me very excited to watch the actual show. I refused to watch any performance, tried my best not to look at any photos (very hard for a professional fan-girl), or look up who won what award. So I'm going to review the performances from the show and the fashion from the night.

PERFORMANCES

Lady Gaga opened the award show by performing her new single 'Applause' (watch it here) and it was a bloody good performance. I like how she incorporated every single album era that she's been through and ending it in the 'ARTPOP' era. The booing at the start also made me laugh a little, it was just a little 'fuck you' to all the hateful critics.

Miley Cyrus caused a bit of a stir by degrading the entire female population by wearing practically nothing whilst wanking off a Mickey Mouse finger and twerking against Robin Thicke's crotch (watch here). WE GET IT, YOU'RE GROWN UP. Don't get me wrong, I see nothing wrong with nudity. The human body is a beautiful thing and it should be embraced. I find it weird when people are uncomfortable by someones ass crack on TV. Gaga used nudity in her performance and I know I'm probably biased here, but it was tasteful. She looked like she was cut out of Botticelli's "The Birth of Venus." But Miley took it a bit too far. If Robin Thicke was absent from the performance and it was just Miley in that outfit, not as many people would of complained. It was just way too over-sexualised. It's a shame because I really like Miley and I think she has one of the most pure and unique voices in pop music.

Women in popular music are becoming way too slutty, and people find it inspiring because popstars are doing what they want to, when most of these ideas come from male propaganda. It's pretty much impossible to stop degrading women all together, especially in this sex obsessed culture. Over-sexualisation of women has become so extreme that it's time to fight fire with fire. We need to see men being treated the same way women are being treated in music, film and the media. It's unfair to be brainwashing certain traits, stereotypes and expectations to new generations.

Let's stop talking about vagina's for a moment, although it's going to be hard not to because mine was gushing last night during Justin Timberlake's performance (I really am a man, I swear). He won the lifetime achievement award which has something to do with Micheal Jackson for some reason that I do not know. Winning this award, he treated us with a fifteen minute performance of all his classics, three songs from his amazing new album and a little song with NSYNC. HE IS JUST THE BEST POPSTAR EVER ISN'T HE? I love him and want to marry him. Highlights include: The NCYNC reunion, Mirrors, Cry Me a River, My Love & Take Back the Night. Basically, the entire thing.

Now it's time to talk about my favourite part of the show. Macklemore & Ryan Lewis' performance of 'Same Love'. I'm obsessed with Macklemore. He's officially my favourite rap artist ever. The performance was amazing, the song is touching and has a meaning so close to my heart. It's nice to see that songs about gay rights are becoming mainstream. In fact it's amazing, especially in hip hop which is probably one of the most homophobic genre's of music. PLUS JENNIFER HUDSON CAME OUT AT THE END. FUCK. (watch here).

Katy Perry ended the show in front of the Brooklyn Bridge (watch here). Her vocals were on top form and it's so lovely to see that she's growing as an artist even though I'm going to miss that blue wig so much. Roar is an amazing song and I'm very excited to see the music video. Do not disappoint me Perry. I got my eye's on you.

FASHION

Best Dressed

Ellie Goulding (left), Selena Gomez (middle) and Taylor Swift (right).

Worst Dressed

Erin Wasson (left), Miley Cyrus (middle) and Katy Perry (right).

FASHION REVIEW: TEEN CHOICE AWARDS 2013

Last night the annual 'Teen Choice Awards' were held in Los Angeles and tweens and teen watched their favourite celebrities win pointless awards that means nothing compared to a Grammy. So I decided with my extent knowledge on fashion (This is sarcasm, I'm wearing a onsie), that I would review this years fashion fresh from the blue carpet. Also, this is my last year as a teenager so I want to eat this shit up before it becomes pathetic (I'm looking at you Perez Hilton).

Cher Lloyd wearing a two piece by 'The Hellers'. I REALLY like this. Is this outfit her public apology for 'Swagger Jagger'? If so, I formally accept this apology Cher.

You should not be wearing those trousers and it looks like you've put a button in the wrong hole on your blazer. The hair is okay though I guess. (Demi Lovato)

THEY ARE ALL SO CUTE I JUST WANT TO SWALLOW THEM WHOLE. But Perrie needs to understand that Zayn Malik is mine.

Miley Cyrus wearing Saint Lauren. I love it, but WE GET IT, YOU'RE A REBEL.

Oh my boys. You can all form a line and sit on my face. Harry, what is on your head? (One Direction, OBVZ)

Selena Gomez wearing Cushine et Ochs. I don't think I should like it, but I do. I DO.