MTV VMA's REVIEW (CAITLIN MORAN EDITION)

I woke up on Monday the 26th of August with a very bad hangover and 17 missed calls. Before sorting all that out, I naturally checked twitter to witness the best photo ever of Lady Gaga with One Direction at the MTV VMA's. This got me very excited to watch the actual show. I refused to watch any performance, tried my best not to look at any photos (very hard for a professional fan-girl), or look up who won what award. So I'm going to review the performances from the show and the fashion from the night.

PERFORMANCES

Lady Gaga opened the award show by performing her new single 'Applause' (watch it here) and it was a bloody good performance. I like how she incorporated every single album era that she's been through and ending it in the 'ARTPOP' era. The booing at the start also made me laugh a little, it was just a little 'fuck you' to all the hateful critics.

Miley Cyrus caused a bit of a stir by degrading the entire female population by wearing practically nothing whilst wanking off a Mickey Mouse finger and twerking against Robin Thicke's crotch (watch here). WE GET IT, YOU'RE GROWN UP. Don't get me wrong, I see nothing wrong with nudity. The human body is a beautiful thing and it should be embraced. I find it weird when people are uncomfortable by someones ass crack on TV. Gaga used nudity in her performance and I know I'm probably biased here, but it was tasteful. She looked like she was cut out of Botticelli's "The Birth of Venus." But Miley took it a bit too far. If Robin Thicke was absent from the performance and it was just Miley in that outfit, not as many people would of complained. It was just way too over-sexualised. It's a shame because I really like Miley and I think she has one of the most pure and unique voices in pop music.

Women in popular music are becoming way too slutty, and people find it inspiring because popstars are doing what they want to, when most of these ideas come from male propaganda. It's pretty much impossible to stop degrading women all together, especially in this sex obsessed culture. Over-sexualisation of women has become so extreme that it's time to fight fire with fire. We need to see men being treated the same way women are being treated in music, film and the media. It's unfair to be brainwashing certain traits, stereotypes and expectations to new generations.

Let's stop talking about vagina's for a moment, although it's going to be hard not to because mine was gushing last night during Justin Timberlake's performance (I really am a man, I swear). He won the lifetime achievement award which has something to do with Micheal Jackson for some reason that I do not know. Winning this award, he treated us with a fifteen minute performance of all his classics, three songs from his amazing new album and a little song with NSYNC. HE IS JUST THE BEST POPSTAR EVER ISN'T HE? I love him and want to marry him. Highlights include: The NCYNC reunion, Mirrors, Cry Me a River, My Love & Take Back the Night. Basically, the entire thing.

Now it's time to talk about my favourite part of the show. Macklemore & Ryan Lewis' performance of 'Same Love'. I'm obsessed with Macklemore. He's officially my favourite rap artist ever. The performance was amazing, the song is touching and has a meaning so close to my heart. It's nice to see that songs about gay rights are becoming mainstream. In fact it's amazing, especially in hip hop which is probably one of the most homophobic genre's of music. PLUS JENNIFER HUDSON CAME OUT AT THE END. FUCK. (watch here).

Katy Perry ended the show in front of the Brooklyn Bridge (watch here). Her vocals were on top form and it's so lovely to see that she's growing as an artist even though I'm going to miss that blue wig so much. Roar is an amazing song and I'm very excited to see the music video. Do not disappoint me Perry. I got my eye's on you.

FASHION

Best Dressed

Ellie Goulding (left), Selena Gomez (middle) and Taylor Swift (right).

Worst Dressed

Erin Wasson (left), Miley Cyrus (middle) and Katy Perry (right).

FASHION REVIEW: TEEN CHOICE AWARDS 2013

Last night the annual 'Teen Choice Awards' were held in Los Angeles and tweens and teen watched their favourite celebrities win pointless awards that means nothing compared to a Grammy. So I decided with my extent knowledge on fashion (This is sarcasm, I'm wearing a onsie), that I would review this years fashion fresh from the blue carpet. Also, this is my last year as a teenager so I want to eat this shit up before it becomes pathetic (I'm looking at you Perez Hilton).

Cher Lloyd wearing a two piece by 'The Hellers'. I REALLY like this. Is this outfit her public apology for 'Swagger Jagger'? If so, I formally accept this apology Cher.

You should not be wearing those trousers and it looks like you've put a button in the wrong hole on your blazer. The hair is okay though I guess. (Demi Lovato)

THEY ARE ALL SO CUTE I JUST WANT TO SWALLOW THEM WHOLE. But Perrie needs to understand that Zayn Malik is mine.

Miley Cyrus wearing Saint Lauren. I love it, but WE GET IT, YOU'RE A REBEL.

Oh my boys. You can all form a line and sit on my face. Harry, what is on your head? (One Direction, OBVZ)

Selena Gomez wearing Cushine et Ochs. I don't think I should like it, but I do. I DO.

Literal Pop Analysis: Best Song Ever.

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder." Therefore, I decided to turn into a failed pop star and hide away by not blogging for a while, only to have the blogging equivalent of a VMA performance comeback. I'm back and ready to review music because I am a globally known music journalist as most of you know (not really).

One Direction are back with a new single for their new film 'This Is Us'. Instead of being boring and saying whether the song is brilliant (it is) or not, I am going to analyse this song to death. Are you prepared? I feel like you're not. It is advised that you are sitting comfortably and if you're a straight girl or gay boy then put your hand down your crotch cause its One Direction time.

The song overall is pretty much standard One Direction. There's a lot of guitar and drum usage and it's about a girl (*eye roll*) they meet on a night out and they danced all night to a particular song they claim to be 'the best song ever'. Ironically they don't know it goes, but they do remember a certain part with no lyrical meaning (must of been a good night). Serious question time; thoughout their entire discography and song selection, do they sing about the same girl within a particular song? Are they sharing the same girl? Are they singing about individual girls? Is Zayn singing about that slag from Little Mix (I'm not bitter)? Is Harry singing about Caroline Flack? These are all questions that are gagging for answers.

Moving on. To make this a literal review we need to analyse the lyrics. Here is a bullet pointed list of some lyrics and what I think of them:

• "Said her name was Georgia Rose, and her Daddy was a Dentist." - Now, on a night out has anyone you've pulled EVER told you their parents career path? I feel like that would be maybe a second date statement. Also did she say this directly after she introduced herself as Georgia Rose? If so, that's ver strange isn't it?
• "Said I has a dirty mouth, but she kissed me like she meant it." - Ooh Harry, you saucy little minx.
• "I said can I take you home with me, she said never in your wildest dreams" - At least this bitch has morals, although who would say no to someone from One Direction? I take this whole 'moral' thing back. She's a stupid hoe. Also, this song is turning from a PG to a 12 very quickly, isn't it?
• "We danced all night to the best song ever, we knew every line, now I can't remember how it goes" -It probably wasn't that good then, was it?
• "I think it went Oh Oh Oh, I think it went Yeah Yeah Yeah" - Enough thinking. Uncle Jack is going to help One Direction remember this 'Best Song Ever', because it's annoying me that they don't know what it is.

JACK RATTENBURY'S 'BEST SONG EVER' SUGGESTIONS

 Maybe it was Lady Gaga's Oh Oh Oh's in 'Bad Romance' that got those gay boys dancing?

Maybe it was the Yeah Yeah Yeah's in Chris Brown's 'Yeah 3x'.

Maybe it's the magical Oh Oh Oh's in the better version of Pilot's classic 'Magic' by Selena Gomez.

Or maybe they were just playing with us, and they're talking about their new song 'Best Song Ever.'

There you have it. My literal, overly-analytical review of One Direction's new single 'Best Song Ever' (available on iTunes now) is over. Before I go, can we appreciate how amazing the video is. Zayn Malik, I have one thing to say to you.