Merry Christmas blogger buddies!

Sorry I haven't been updating this thing as much as I said I would over the past few weeks. It is the festive season after all. So now that Christmas is practically over (Only 2 more hours left of Jesus being exactly one year older than he was last year), I should become more engaged in writing and keeping the internet updated on my not so interesting life.

Well Christmas was lovely as per usual. Waking up relatively early to open presents with the sister, bacon sandwiches for breakfast (with fancy Tesco finest bread this year, thank you very much), playing with my favourite present (my kindle) for at least 2 hours before sitting down for a marvelous three course festive fiasco with awful jokes and pigs wrapped in more pigs, which I think is an odd yet delicious concept. Who ever thought of wrapping sausage in bacon is the love child of Einstein and Hitler. Imagine if the sausage was the mother piggy and the bacon was the baby piggy. I feel as though I'm going into this way too much so I'm going to stop talking about pigs in blankets and move onto the touchy topic of pathetic cracker jokes. Today I think I possibly read the worst excuse of a joke to ejaculate out of a cracker. On that patronising little piece of paper it read (and I kid you not):

Q: Why was Santa scared to leave a little girls house after delivering his gifts?
A: Because it was raining.

Now correct me if I'm wrong but that joke it's not funny in any fucking way. The person who wrote the joke should be fired immediately. I guess that's what you get for purchasing the lower brand Christmas crackers.

Every Christmas I remember how blessed I am. Not that I'm some person who takes everything for granted and should be named and shamed on MTV's 'My Super Sweet Sixteen' (best theme song ever by the way). But Not only did I had a lovely day with people who love me, but they gave me presents. Including a toastie maker, expensive smelly things and a kindle fire (which I'm currently using to write this blog post). Because I felt so warm inside I decided to give some money to the charity Barnado's which is a non-profit organisation that helps children in homes, children with disabilities, children getting bullied, ect. So I'm leaving you with an end message to give if you can and have a lovely Christmas because I'm needed for a late night family game of monopoly.

Merry Christmas you filthy animal.

Halfway to Heaven.

It's another hangover post (are you surprised?) and I'm currently with a slice of toast which has a thin slice of cheese on top. It is like the mother fucking Moses of my life right now as I feel like my entire body has just collapsed through my arse (or if you're American, ass. Yes that right I just went multi-cultural on you).

Anyway, my best friend from Wales is in town this week and we decided to hit SoHo, aka the best place to ever exist. We went to G A Y bar and literally had one drink before we decided to go to Heaven. This morning I've been having several flashbacks including using a traffic cone as a penis whilst I wait for my friends to cross the road, having a three way kiss, losing my wallet, going absolutely ape shit when Miriah Carey came on (All I Want For Christmas thank you very much) and having someone else put their hand down the rear of my trousers without permission. I don't understand why people want to give you a boner in a club. It's not cute and if 90210 has taught me anything it's to always be cute and never be a slut. Although I would say I'm never cute and always a slut, but I try not to be. Honest.

Just thought I share that with you until I think of something interesting to write about.

MY BIG THING OF THIS WEEK.

Obviously it's Ke$ha. You can buy her new album 'Warrior' here if you enjoy talking/rapping/yodeling to electronic music. Y'all know I do.

I need to get drunk because sex is gross.

I recently came across this study that has shown being sexually aroused overrides feelings of disgust, meaning that you'd much be inclined to do something that you usually find repulsive when you're feeling horny minus your boner. In the study they used porn and something disgusting, (for example, Sex Toy Story 3 and wiping their hands with a used tissue). The people who watched the porn were then more likely to do the horrible task than the people who didn't watch porn. Even though this is completely true, I feel like alcohol has become more of a helping hand when it comes to, well, hand jobs.

Over the past couple of days I've realised that alcohol and being horny cancels out the disgusting state of the toilets in a concert arena I once gave someone a blowjob in (don't judge), or how I managed to sleep with someone so nauseatingly stupid that he didn't even understand what 'jounalism' meant, or how I managed to watch an entire episode of 'The Only Way is Essex' (joking).

But this has also made me worry a tiny bit, because I think whether you're turned on or off should determine if you're up for some bum, and not alcohol. I've always had quite an active social life ever since I can remember, and having been single for a while now, I've been having more one night stands (we've all had them, or will have one soon). I'm not having loads, just once a month or even every two. Usually when I meet the boy I'm going to have a one night stand with, I'm absolutely shit faced and scared I might spew up my sambuca if he's into oral. I'm afraid that vodka has become some sort of social and sexual lubricant that I'm going to need for sex with a future lover that won't be a one night thing.

So this is a little memo to Jack saying that sober sex might be shit, but try it out some time.

Writers block.

I am dearly sorry I haven't updated this in like a week. The fact is that this week hasn't been very interesting. But this morning I woke up to a bed full of sick and empty bottles of wine all over the place. So I thought I'd let you know. Can't remember much of last night and drinking is obviously not worth the hassle because I spent most of the day, with my head down the toilet.

Moving on. Happy December to all. Tis the month to get all Christmassy, or as I say it, Christmasassy. I have recently spent £4 on tinsel and baubles which has resulted in a messy Christmas fiasco which is my room. My mother also bought me a Dairy Milk advent calendar. I'm not being funny, but Dairy Milk is the most boring advent calendar out there in my opinion. I was hoping for a Milybar calender of advent, or maybe Malteaser. But no. Dairy fucking Milk. Just realised how boring the last couple of sentences were and I am deeply apologetic and hope you accept my 'Big Thing of the Week' as some sort of conscience-stricken gift.

This week my big thing of the week is (Drumroll please).........

DAILYGRACE!

Daily Grace is a YouTube sensation who creates daily vlogs (like blogs, but videos. Magic), and here is one of her videos to tempt you to check her out!

I need a stiff drink and a stiff something else.

HELLO! Happy Thursday to you. I decided not to go out tonight and now, have this huge feeling of regret in the pit of my stomach. I haven't had a double vodka and red bull in about 6 days and this to me, is unacceptable to the highest degree. Also I'm feeling unloved. I'm sick and tired of being single and I really want to take part in the American activity of dating because, as a British citizen I feel like we don't really partake in dating, and if we do call it a date it tends to make things awkward. I guess we'd call it 'outings', am I right? So I want an awkward free date with someone that gives me an instaboner (that's instant boner to those who don't know, it's not an app that makes your dick sepia).  My perfect date would be a few drinks (obviously) , sharing a shit full amount of carbohydrates and a good fuck.

Here is a brief characterisation of my ideal man. I like light brown hair and blue eyes on other men *orgasm*. I like men with the same build as me (unless you are Tom Daley, then you can sit on my face), you have to either be a little taller or the same height as me. I love a good sense of humour and if you are lucky enough to be my boyfriend (pushing it), then I'll enjoy seasonal kiki's with you and dick banana splits. You have to like One Direction and support them through every decision they make. Also if I meet any of the following people, you need to understand that I am aloud to leave you if they are in love with me: Zayn Malik, Zac Efron, Tom Daley, Darren Criss, David Beckham or River Viiperi. Please note that this list does change sometimes (everyday). It would be nice if we had similar music tastes. Finally, and this is important, you cannot be clingy. This is the worst personality trait to me. I like time to myself and I think it's important to spend time on your own, as it is with people you love.

It's time for my 'THING OF THE WEEK' and for those of you who are actually feeling alone. This week it's a beautiful video made by a filmmaker called Andrea Dorfman. It's about being lonely and how to cope with it if you are. Whenever I do feel lonely (which is rare because I surround myself with some lovely people) I think of this video and all is good in the world.

Thank God for Fridays and Vodka.

IT'S FRIDAAAAAAAAAAAAY.
Happy Friday everybody. Going to be a stereotypical Friday-lover and go to TGI Fridays and make love to some sweet food. I honestly can't wait to be with good food and good people. I can't remember the last time I went out in London (I actually can, it was last Thursday, but a week without vodka is like a week without company), so going to a bar for some drinks afterwards is a must.

Since the last time we chatted I've only gone and got work experience at Attitude magazine (could I get any gayer? The answer is no), so I'm very excited and going to celebrate by having a cocktail with my meal tonight. A REAL MAGAZINE GUYS! A REAL GAY MAGAZINE. If there is a God, I'd like to thank you with all my heart, soul and jizz.

Peace out
-Jack

Back to London Town

Hello everyone, are you all alright since our last encounter? Well it's my last night in my hometown until Christmas as tomorrow I'm going back to London. Visiting home has been really nice. Weird, but nice. Seeing my family and friends has been brilliant, but I'm excited to be going back to London for the rest of reading week. I MUST DO MY WORK THOUGH. I honestly haven't done anything educational for the past 4 days, unless you count cutting your nails and seeing James Bond as an educational experience.

James Bond BTW (by the way, if you will) was fantastic! Definitely a contender for one of the best Bond films ever. It was nice to see the inclusion of the British Isles as they seem to have gone missing from the past few films. Yes, so James Bond is amazing and I highly reccomend you go and see it, if you haven't already that is (I'm a sucker for a metrosexual men).

Tomorrow I'm going back to work and I really don't want to because I'm not loving it as much as my old store (I work in a supermarket if you didn't know already). It's just that they ask me to do overtime ALL THE FUCKING TIME. Don't get me wrong, the concept of overtime when you're a poor student is actually, properly amazing. But if I say no, the team leaders look at you like you're a lump of shit. I can't wait to go back to my old store during Christmas time to be reminded how a supermarket should be run (I know it's sad, but it really pisses me off).

Before I go I've decided to do a new segment on this blog and it's called... (wait for it).... (I feel like Dermot O'Leary)... 'MY THING OF THE WEEK' (original I know). And this weeks 'thing of the week' is the one and only MADEON! He's this amazing young DJ from France who's been played a lot on Radio One and will be one of the producers of Lady Gaga's next album 'ARTPOP' (The depressing thing is he's the same age as me and all I have is a blog). Check him out belowwwww! Goodbye blog chums, until next time:-)

It feels weird being home.

I was looking forward to coming home for a few days. Having proper meals, sleeping in a nostalgic bed, being with my family, I just thought I would be loving every minute of it. Don't get me wrong I love being home, but I just wanna be drunk rolling out of Proud in Camden. Maybe it's because not everyone has gone home from university or I'm home for no particular reason but it just feels weird.

Although I'm basing all this on one night here and I haven't really don't much today. ANYWAY, I'm going now to watch The Valleys because I want my brain cells to decay. I'll leave you with this photo of Tom Daley.

I'm a Stupid Hoe.

I don't know how to feel. I went to Cardiff to see Nicki Minaj and did two things I regret. Both revolve around love, or the lack of it, and both make me feel like I want to vomit. Mixed emotions without ice cream is very difficult and wouldn't wish it upon anyone. I'm back home in Wales which I think is much needed. Going to clear my mind with my family, friends and wine. Lots of it.

Nicki Minaj was better than expected. In fact I could call myself a Barb if I so feel like it. No? Okay. Highlights included Starships, Beez in the Trap, Pound the Alarm and Monster. I went ape-shit when Monster came on because one is a motherfucking monster. Enough about Nicki Minaj because I still can't believe I went let alone enjoyed every moment of it. Oh, also I was very drunk. Such fun.

After a long, long, LONG night with a 3:30am end, me and my cousin went to sleep with an alarm set for 7. Giving us a whole 3 and a half hours sleep. WOW. SO MUCH SLEEP. HAHAHAHA. *evil face*. This was then followed by a two hour train journey and a 40 minute tube journey. *repeats laughter and evil face*. I was tired and hungover. But the best way to cure a hangover is to go straight back out and do it all again. So we did minus a superstar rapper plus free Dominos Pizza. Yep, the club gave out free Dominos and everything was perfect. Minus the sleep deprivation. But one of my favourite quotes is "No-one looks back on their life and remembers the nights they had plenty of sleep."

I'm now sitting in my living room in Llanelli ready to sleep for my entire visit. Good night. God Bless.

-Jack

On the train to Cardiff...

On my way to Cardiff to see Nicki Minaj. I'm not the biggest Nicki fan but I'm so excited for tonight. Can't wait to show the capital my rapping skills. The only problem is that I have a two hour train ride with no food and I'm exceptionally hungry. I have no cash either so I really hope the trolly dolly accepts card.

Just had a row for using my phone because I'm in the quiet carriage. My bad. Anyway I'm going to love you and leave you as I have just departed Paddington. I need my earphones an my book. See you later!

-Jack

Four more years...

I'm over the moon that Obama has won another term as president. Being British, it doesn't really effect me either way. Saying that I can't stand Romney, and it would worry me knowing that he would be the most powerful man in the world. Bringing religion into politics is as stupid as asking Honey Boo Boo to name all the states of America.

As a gay man, Barack certainly has helped out my community, supporting gay marriage with many states legalising it this year. But now what he needs to do is legalise it all over the US and realise that marriage equality is not a state issue. It is a basic, human right. He needs to do things faster and more efficient, to earn the respect off people who voted for that psychotic Republican.

I have only one dream in my life, and it's not to be a journalist or have a lot of money. It's to marry the person I love and have children. It's time to move forward.

I love you Barack.

-Jack

Remember, remember, the fifth of November

HAPPY BONFIRE NIGHT. Although is that correct? 'Happy bonfire night'? Is that a saying?

ANYWAY...

Tonight I went to Primrose Hill in Regents Park to look over the London skyline and it was so cute. Although we left after fifteen minutes because it was so fucking cold. I absolutely adore winter. The snow, the ice-skating, the Starbucks dates, etc. It's my favourite season, but I am the coldest person in the whole world. I need at least 5 layers on before I feel comfortable let alone warm. We then went to KFC (naturally) and I had a chicken popcorn snack box and these spicy chicken things that ended up not being that spicy. It was still beautiful.

Hopefully NONE of my family members have found this blog, and if any of you are reading, please stop or you don't love me and I will die (really I will, its the Jack's family reading his blog curse) (I will die).

I had a one night stand last night which is completely unlike me. It was with this boy I have never met properly but we'd been talking on Facebook. Before someone complains about how dangerous this is. He lives in the same Halls as me and we had met briefly on freshers week. Now I feel awkward because we haven't talked since. He wasn't the best mind you, but what if I wasn't good? My reputation is on the line here. I guess we both just had needs that needed sorting out and holes that needed filling (pun not intended, but rather good) (feel as if I should delete that sentence) (not going to). So maybe I'm just thinking about it too much., or too little. AH HELP. Need therapy.

-Jack

God Bless the Mess...

As a British citizen people might think my opinion is pointless but I've always been fond of Obama and think he's doing a terrific job. It really worries me that Mitt Romney has a chance of winning the election. In fact I find it absolutely crazy that someone so hateful could be one of the most powerful men in the world this Tuesday.

I strongly believe that before you can touch the economy, you have to sort out the social issues of a country, like equality for everyone,women's rights, LGBT rights, etc. and Obama did magnificently with these. Once the social issues are sorted I'm sure he would also do a great job with the economy.

Not to mention that Romney and Murdoch are strict, practicing Christians, and are bringing their beliefs into their campaign. America is a multicultural and multi-faith country and they need a president who can represent everyone. Having a president that thinks that pregnancy through rape is what God intended frightens the living day light out of me. It's disgusting and Romney will turn 2012 America into 1960's America all over again. Romney is the Cher of the election. He has the chance to turn back time so he will.

There's a lot at stake in this election and I know my blog only receives about 20 views a day from America but share this with all your friends. Make sure they all vote, and for the right person (Obama FYI) because America is a powerful country that has an effect on the rest of the world.

Shall we catch up?

Channeling the inner housewife in myself tonight, by doing the ironing whilst watching the TV. I feel like I should have curlers in my hair and smoking a cigarette. Anyway, lets catch up. So Halloween resulted in a pool of sick and a £10 taxi ride home. Egg was surprisingly good and nothing in the club was related to the name, which confused me. Because it is an odd name for a club, right? Not just me? As you all know I dressed up as a zombie Peter Pan and had a few looks on the Tube which I'm thinking is a good thing? No? Okay. I got ready in a record breaking fifteen minutes, but this worked to my advantage because Halloween is the only night you can look completely shit and not only get away with it, but get praised for it.

Moving on, I'm very excited about the next few weeks. This Wednesday I'm going to Cardiff to catch up with my cousin and see Nicki Minaj, hopefully followed by a nice night out in Cardiff. Then on the Thursday my cousin is coming up to London for a night out and some lovely sightseeing. THEN (I know, I'm sorry) I'm going back to Wales for a couple of days to see the family and see the friends and see the sheep.

Now that we have catched up I can go to bed feeling happy.

Goodnight, God bless.

Happy Halloween

I love Halloween. I usually make a big effort and spend money I don't have on a good costume. But this year I unfortunately have to be an outfit repeater (say it ain't so). I am dressing up as Peter Pan, using an outfit I bought one time for an eighteenth birthday party. I am totally (totes) devastated (devo). I'm going to 'pimp it out' as the youth say and make myself a zombie Peter Pan as there has been a zombie apocalypse on Neverland (if you hadn't heard).  I feel as if there will probably be another Peter Pan at this club I'm going to tonight so that is another reason why I'm twisting a classic character. I am totally (totes) original (orig).

Alas, it is not all fun and games as I am disastrously working until 10pm giving me a WHOLE HALF AN HOUR to get back to my halls, change, put on my makeup and get a little bit tipsy so I don't end up over spending at this ridiculously priced night club (wow). So I'll probably end up catching the tube on my own and then fail the mission of finding my friends resulting in a lonely night bus spectacle back to my room to watch Bridget Jone's Diary. Oh, by the way, the night club is called egg. Sounds cracking (pun intended), and I hope I bump into Lady Gaga (also intended).

I am currently in the library (which is very busy) writing a blog hoping that people aren't judging me. So to make me seem normal I'm flicking from tab to tab with more conventional sites in them, only to find out via Twitter that Nicole Scherzinger has been spotted in ASDA. Hurrah for social media.

Sleepy head...

I am probably the laziest blogger on this site. It's half past twelve and the most I've done today is check my e-mails and put my laptop on my lap. I could happily ignore 10 alarms and go back to sleep knowing I've got important stuff to do. I don't think this is healthy and I need an alarm clock that sounds like someone is getting stabbed in my room. Here in my halls of residence the fire alarm is known for randomly going off and this gets me up no problem. So I think there should be an alarm system in the fire alarms. The word alarm doesn't even sound like a work anymore, just a sound. Try it. Alarm. Alarm. Alarm. Alarm. Alarm.

Now I have lots of reading to be getting on with so I can't stay here and keep writing (even though that sounds like the best option). So I shall leave you with this.

Alarm.

Jack in Wonderland...

I've been thinking about how often I should update this blog. Weekly? Daily? Or when I just feel like writing. I've decided to go for whenever I feel like writing, but will never leave a week unwritten. I know this spring of thought is very complicated, but I guess that's just me. Moving on. I'm currently with a corned beef and mustard sandwich laying in my bed after what could of been the longest weekend of my life.

My mother, sister, grandmother and my cousin came up to London to visit for a couple nights. It was delightful to see them and maybe I miss home more than I think I do. Saying goodbye is very hard. I didn't cry but there was certainly a tear trying to escape. After a late arrival on the Friday we went straight to our hotel and had a catch up over wine and Alan Carr.

I haven't been to every city obviously, but I honestly think London is the best city in the world. It has a bit of everything (minus the weather). The beauty of Paris, the New York character, the nightlife of Amsterdam and enough landmarks for you to never want to visit another city ever again. So because London has won the Best City Ever Award at the Jack Awards, it would be rude not to go into central to do some fun things.

Firstly we went to Camden Town with our all day travel-cards and oyster cards. I really love Camden market more than life itself but the amount of hipster wankers is ridiculous. Everywhere you look you seem to have someone trying to look individual when they just look plain stupid in sight. Afterwards we headed over to Covent Garden (another favourite location of mine) where we had a few drinks and watched street performers before heading over to Summerset House.

I was looking forward to this. The beautiful Summerset House was getting ready for the festive season putting up the ice-rink for people to pay ridiculous amounts of money to fall over. Advertised all over London is the Tim Walker - Art of Storytelling exhibition and I've been so excited to go and view his work in person. Walking into the east wing of the house felt like falling down the rabbit patch hole into a even more twisted Wonderland. Not only a Wonderland, but a fashion lovers dreamworld with one of the most famous fashion photographers work on display, with photos of fashion icons including Alexander McQueen, Tilda Swinton and Helena Bonham Carter. With quotes on the wall by Walker himself in the different rooms with different themes of the art of storytelling, this truly gave me a huge insight on how Walker works as a photographer and there is an amazing collection of work at the gallery. My favourite was the 'Giant Doll' pieces - look it up!

I'm going to stop there as I'm very tired and I fear that I am boring you. Not to mention my grammar and wording. I've also decided to dedicate this Sunday night to Hilary Duff and watch her entire collection of films before heading to the land of nod. Until next time, goodnight...

-Jack

Me, Myself and Vodka

Urm, hello? It's a veritable thrill to see you all reading my blog that I got told to start in order to have a better future career as a journalist. Well, my name is Jack Rattenbury, I'm eighteen years old from an average size town on the south Welsh coast. Like most aspiring feature writers I've moved to London, but I've only gone and done it in my student years. I'm studying Publishing, Journalism and Media at Middlesex University. I seem to be getting poor very quickly, in fact tonight I have decided to stay in and do my ironing because I can't afford to go out, and when I do go out I resemble Gordon Ramsey's forehead because of all the creases in my clothes.

But in all honestly I am having the best time of my life. The nights out are fantastic, my course is great and I've met some lovely people. I'm not even as homesick as I thought I would be. Coming from a very close family in Wales, I thought I would be crying every night under my duvet with my two gay boyfriends, Ben and Jerry. But I really haven't. Of course I'm excited to go home to visit my friends, family and my beautiful bed. But I'm very happy here. I'm in London for fuck sake.

So I'm poor and not homesick. Is there anything else I can tell my blog reader friends about myslef? Ah yes, I'm single. I'm single and gay. Also I feel as though I will be single for the rest of my life as the only realistic relationship I've had in the past 18 years of my life has been with a bottle of vodka. Here at university I have met a few gay people, but once friendships are established I tend to keep the label 'friends' as I don't want to add lonely to the list of adjectives that I would use to describe myself.

Shall we leave it there? I think we should as I feel another night with my two boyfriends will be on the cards very soon if I carry on. But no I am fine. Sweaty and lazy, but fine.

-Jack