LIVE REVIEW - ADVENTURE TIME - WAKE UP/ESCAPE FROM THE CITADEL

SEASON SIX OF ADVENTURE TIME HAS STARTED AND I AM TYPING IN CAPITALS SO I AM VERY EXCITED. I've decided that since I have so many essays to write in a short period of time that determine my future career path, I am going to watch the new episode of Adventure Time and blog along to it. If you'd like me to make any of YOUR (points at you) future life choices, send me a tweet (@KC4J).

Okay, back to Adventure Time. I'm about to press play and I'm already worried about the title. I'm scared that the whole past seasons have just been a dream. But I'm going to shake that off, because that can't and won't happen will it, the creators of Adventure Time?

I've pressed play. So I'm going into bullet point mode.

• The Lich always creeps the shit out of me.
• Jake likes cheese crackers, I like cheese crackers. Jake is me. I am Jake.
• Prismo and Jake are gayer than me.
• I always love the random guests that the parties in Adventure Time have.
• I would also like to take a selfie on the Linch.
• I would also send said selfies to 'Denise'
• It discomforts me that Jake goes out without Finn to party.
• Shelby the worm is the cutest thing ever.
• The Lich is the scariest thing in the history of animation.
• Looking for his Daddy :( :( :( :(
• His Daddy is an utter bellend!!!
• and is dressed like a gay lap dancer?

•  OH MY GLOB!
• Now I'm very excited for the rest of this season.
• I'm really sad about Finn's dad
• OMG FLOWER ARM!
• WHAT???
• The Lich baby is fucking gross (yet hilarious).
• Tree Trunks wanting to divorce Mr. Pig has made me laugh for about 10 minutes.
• She's such a slut.

That's it. That was an awesome episode. I'm going to bed to be all 'soul search-y' now.

An Open Letter to Paris Hilton

It has come to my attention that since starting university in 2012, the longest amount of time I've gone without listening to Paris Hilton is probably three days (I usually blame the shuffle). This is becoming an issue as people don't understand my fondness for the famous heiress. I know that she can't sing, I know that most of her songs are utter crap and this isn't an opinion that I share with many people, but I think that Paris Hilton could be an above-average popstar if she put her mind to it. I mean she is (fractionally) responsible for  'Stars are Blind', which is a pretty amazing pop song if you ask me.

Paris recently released a teaser for her new song and music video called Never Be Alone (you can watch it here) and it made me feel really sad. We all know she isn't going to stop releasing music for anyone, so she could at least make it bearable (Paris. If you're reading this, I'm working with you not against you). I think it's time Paris Hilton worked with cooler people, so the public would get cooler music. I've decided to create an in-depth list of songs Paris should've sung if the original artists hadn't already, and the music video concepts to said songs (I have way too much fucking time on my hands)

• No Doubt - Just A Girl

If Paris released this song, it would be amazing in the music video, I'd have Paris surrounded by giant teddy bears and topless men in a Toys R' Us.

• Lady Gaga - Gypsy

 If Paris was to release this song, the music video would include Paris traveling around the world visiting different Hilton hotels.

• Madonna - Sorry

If Paris was to release this song, it would feature Pitbull and the music video would be black and white, flicking between a club scene and Paris crying, looking over the Los Angeles skyline.

• Girls Aloud - The Loving Kind

If Paris was to relese this beauty, the video would feature her floating in a bubble.

• Paris Hilton - Stars Are Blind   

Just for old times' sake.

So there you go. Paris Hilton should sound like this if she wants to make it big time in the world of pop. Or she could try and be best friends with Nicole Richie again to release another series of The Simple Life. Either way, life would be good.

WHAT SINGLE PEOPLE SHOULD DO ON VALENTINES DAY

It's almost Valentines Day which means if you're single, couples will become even more annoying, you'll become clinically depressed and if you're lucky, you might even projectile vomit over all the lovey-dovey paraphernalia available. If you're not single, you can buy me ice cream to make it up to me. Being single on Valentines Day sucks and blows, and not in a good way. Here is a list of things to do on Valentines Day if you're single:

• Murder.
• Get wasted drunk with a selected group of single friends.
• Watch horror films.
• Chain smoke in your room until you sound like Shirley from Eastenders.
• DON'T WATCH BRIDGET JONES.
• Watch cartoons
• Try out something new. Opt-out for a ready meal lasagne instead of shepherds pie.
• Make Vodoo Dolls of your ex-boyfriends or ex-girlfriends and let your dominant alter-ego spread it's wings.
• Eat
• Eat some more.
• Ice cream is good.
• Host a gang bang for a recently paroled group of men.
• Get flowers delivered to yourself in a public area but make sure you put 'From Zac Efron' on the card.
• Go shopping
• Murder.

But maybe I'm just bitter?