A couple of days ago, Beyoncé decided to release an album, just out of the blue (Ivy). It's a pretty fantastic album. She shook and woke up the world with an album, which is the best way to be awoken. The album consists of 14 songs and 17 videos, which is how a pop album should be done. It's called 'BEYONCÉ' which is quite shit, isn't it? But it'll do because its BEYONCÉ!
I've already talked about my favourite songs of 2013, but you can always rely on Beyoncé to come and snatch the weaves' of basic pop bitches. The album features help from Pharell, Drake and Jay-Z, but for me, it's all about Bey. Her vocals have never sounded purer or more amazing, the videos are stunning and I've been internally squealing for the past 2 days
Here are some bullet-pointed lists about the new album:
The good things about 'BEYONCÉ'
It's Beyoncé.
The element of surprise.
The songs are pretty good.
'Drunk in Love' is a fucking tune.
It's Beyoncé.
She has collaborated with my Odd Future Prince Frank Ocean.
She knows how to do trap music correctly.
#FEMINISM
The videos are pretty good.
It's Beyoncé
The bad things about 'BEYONCÉ'
The album artwork is pretty shit.
The title
It could do with some bangers.
There are no 'Put a Donk on it' moments.
She's featured her baby on a song.
"Standing On The Sun" is not on the album.
My favourite songs on 'BEYONCÉ'
Pretty Hurts
Drunk in Love
Blow
Partition
Jealous
Flawless
My least favourite (but still okay) songs on 'BEYONCÉ'
No Angel
Heaven
Rocket
Blue
What you will need to listen to 'BEYONCÉ'
The actual album, which you exchange your money for here.
'The Heist' by Macklemore & Ryan Lewis is a great album. An album I love from start to finish. This song stuck out to me the most (naturally), because of it's great message. It was so lovely to hear a song about gay & lesbian rights not only being played on Top 40 radio, but doing very well and receiving great feedback. I take my hat off to you Macklemore, even if you did sing 'Thrift Shop'.
9. Katy Perry - 'Double Rainbow'
No pop music countdown would be complete without Katy Perry. Because I don't really like Roar, I decided to choose my favourite song from the album, 'Prism', called Double Rainbow. This song makes me feel really happy and lyrically, it's just lovely.
8. BREACH - 'JACK'
This is my favourite 'clubby' song of the year. Not because I'm a massive narcissist and I love how it's named after me, but (contrary to the video) it's just really sexy isn't it? Just for your information, I really like/have a massive crush on the man with the lisp/mustache in the video. Do not question my judgement on boys.
7. Miley Cyrus - 'We Can't Stop'
Even if she's quite provocative, Miley Cyrus is a great pop star. People tend to take pop music too seriously, and not seriously enough. This is a great song, but she needs to stop twerking because I want twerking to not be a 'thing'.
6. Disclosure/Sam Smith/ Nile Rodgers/Jimmy Napes – 'Together'
WARNING: This song will give you a boner.
5. VV Brown - 'The Apple'
It makes me very sad that songs like this don't get a lot more recognition. I'm sure that VV Brown will be huge in the near future. Everyone should have this on their iTunes, so go and exchange your money for this beautiful song.
4. Lady Gaga ft. R.Kelly - 'Do What U Want'
I was on the train to Machester when I heard that my two favourite artists of all time were collaborating. The woman sitting next to me probably thought I was having a seizure before we hit Milton Keynes. This song is dripping in sex, even if Lady Gaga says it isn't about sex. This song got me pregnant and I'm not getting an abortion.
3. Katy B - '3am'
I used to hate Katy B for no reason. Now I'm in love with her. Any woman who can make a song like this will make me question my sexuality (form a line, ladies).
2. Sky Ferreira - 'You're Not The One'
My favourite album of 2013 is 'Night Time, My Time' by this lady. She is amazing and creates the best pop music. This is just a fraction of how amazing her work is. Everyone should go and support her, even though she'll probably spend your money on ecstasy.
1. Lorde - Royals
I know you're probably rolling your eyes at me for choosing this as my number one song from 2013, but for the amounts of times I've played this whilst smoking a cigarette and acting all pensive, it deserves it. Now go and listen to her entire album you judgmental bunch of arseholes.
Last year, I predicted the future of pop culture. And unless Mutya-Keisha-Siobhan release an amazing song within this last and remaining month of 2013, then I didn't do very well. But I really enjoyed releasing my inner-Raven Symone and predicting what will happen in the celebrity world. So here we go, here's what I think will happen in 2014:
Twerking will become illegal in many institutions. People really need to understand that twerking isn't cute, and never will be. The Government will soon realise what it's doing to society and make it against the law to twerk.
Taylor Swift will shag more boys.
She will write more songs about the boys she shagged.
Zac Efron will show the world how amazing he is doing after his drug problem and do an interview with Oprah.
Zac Efron will also come out as gay and become my boyfriend.
Tom Daley will dump his sugar daddy and join Zac and I's relationship.
There will be another Lindsay Lohan mugshot, and someone will put that mugshot on an actual mug.
Beyoncé will finally release her much anticipated fifth album, and people will think she is actually Jesus Christ. Amen.
Amanda Bynes will have her acting comeback and it will be shit, because she wasn't that good anyway, was she?
Lady Gaga will cancel her performance on the moon because she realises that she's human and no-one should put themselves in that position unless they have a death wish.
I will see One Direction and Harry Styles will look at me and say, "Wow, you're beautiful. Want to hang sometime?"
I will accept his offer.
We will have sex
So there you go. All of these will happen next year. Are you excited? I am.
