Why Beyonce is basically Jesus

A couple of days ago, Beyoncé decided to release an album, just out of the blue (Ivy). It's a pretty fantastic album. She shook and woke up the world with an album, which is the best way to be awoken. The album consists of 14 songs and 17 videos, which is how a pop album should be done. It's called 'BEYONCÉ' which is quite shit, isn't it? But it'll do because its BEYONCÉ!

I've already talked about my favourite songs of 2013, but you can always rely on Beyoncé to come and snatch the weaves' of basic pop bitches. The album features help from Pharell, Drake and Jay-Z, but for me, it's all about Bey. Her vocals have never sounded purer or more amazing, the videos are stunning and I've been internally squealing for the past 2 days

Here are some bullet-pointed lists about the new album:

The good things about 'BEYONCÉ'

• It's Beyoncé.
• The element of surprise.
• The songs are pretty good.
• 'Drunk in Love' is a fucking tune.
• It's Beyoncé.
• She has collaborated with my Odd Future Prince Frank Ocean.
• She knows how to do trap music correctly.
• #FEMINISM
• The videos are pretty good.
• It's Beyoncé

The bad things about 'BEYONCÉ'

• The album artwork is pretty shit.
• The title
• It could do with some bangers.
• There are no 'Put a Donk on it' moments.
• She's featured her baby on a song.
• "Standing On The Sun" is not on the album.

 My favourite songs on 'BEYONCÉ'

• Pretty Hurts
• Drunk in Love
• Blow
• Partition
• Jealous
• Flawless

My least favourite (but still okay) songs on 'BEYONCÉ'

• No Angel
• Heaven
• Rocket
• Blue

What you will need to listen to 'BEYONCÉ'

• The actual album, which you exchange your money for here.
• 
• 

My ten favourite pop songs of 2013

10. Macklemore & Ryan Lewis - 'Same Love'

'The Heist' by Macklemore & Ryan Lewis is a great album. An album I love from start to finish. This song stuck out to me the most (naturally), because of it's great message. It was so lovely to hear a song about gay & lesbian rights not only being played on Top 40 radio, but doing very well and receiving great feedback. I take my hat off to you Macklemore, even if you did sing 'Thrift Shop'.

 9. Katy Perry - 'Double Rainbow'

No pop music countdown would be complete without Katy Perry. Because I don't really like Roar, I decided to choose my favourite song from the album, 'Prism', called Double Rainbow. This song makes me feel really happy and lyrically, it's just lovely. 

8. BREACH - 'JACK'

This is my favourite 'clubby' song of the year. Not because I'm a massive narcissist and I love how it's named after me, but (contrary to the video) it's just really sexy isn't it? Just for your information, I really like/have a massive crush on the man with the lisp/mustache in the video. Do not question my judgement on boys.

7. Miley Cyrus - 'We Can't Stop'

Even if she's quite provocative, Miley Cyrus is a great pop star. People tend to take pop music too seriously, and not seriously enough. This is a great song, but she needs to stop twerking because I want twerking to not be a 'thing'.

6. Disclosure/Sam Smith/ Nile Rodgers/Jimmy Napes – 'Together'

WARNING: This song will give you a boner.

5. VV Brown - 'The Apple'

It makes me very sad that songs like this don't get a lot more recognition. I'm sure that VV Brown will be huge in the near future. Everyone should have this on their iTunes, so go and exchange your money for this beautiful song.

4. Lady Gaga ft. R.Kelly - 'Do What U Want'

I was on the train to Machester when I heard that my two favourite artists of all time were collaborating. The woman sitting next to me probably thought I was having a seizure before we hit Milton Keynes. This song is dripping in sex, even if Lady Gaga says it isn't about sex. This song got me pregnant and I'm not getting an abortion.

3. Katy B - '3am'

I used to hate Katy B for no reason. Now I'm in love with her. Any woman who can make a song like this will make me question my sexuality (form a line, ladies).

2. Sky Ferreira - 'You're Not The One'

My favourite album of 2013 is 'Night Time, My Time' by this lady. She is amazing and creates the best pop music. This is just a fraction of how amazing her work is. Everyone should go and support her, even though she'll probably spend your money on ecstasy. 

1. Lorde - Royals

I know you're probably rolling your eyes at me for choosing this as my number one song from 2013, but for the amounts of times I've played this whilst smoking a cigarette and acting all pensive, it deserves it. Now go and listen to her entire album you judgmental bunch of arseholes.

PEACE

-JACK

xoxo

2014 POP CULTURE PREDICTIONS

Last year, I predicted the future of pop culture. And unless Mutya-Keisha-Siobhan release an amazing song within this last and remaining month of 2013, then I didn't do very well. But I really enjoyed releasing my inner-Raven Symone and predicting what will happen in the celebrity world. So here we go, here's what I think will happen in 2014:

• Twerking will become illegal in many institutions. People really need to understand that twerking isn't cute, and never will be. The Government will soon realise what it's doing to society and make it against the law to twerk.
• Taylor Swift will shag more boys.
• She will write more songs about the boys she shagged.
• Zac Efron will show the world how amazing he is doing after his drug problem and do an interview with Oprah. 
• Zac Efron will also come out as gay and become my boyfriend.
• Tom Daley will dump his sugar daddy and join Zac and I's relationship.
• There will be another Lindsay Lohan mugshot, and someone will put that mugshot on an actual mug.
• Beyoncé will finally release her much anticipated fifth album, and people will think she is actually Jesus Christ. Amen.
•  Amanda Bynes will have her acting comeback and it will be shit, because she wasn't that good anyway, was she?
• Lady Gaga will cancel her performance on the moon because she realises that she's human and no-one should put themselves in that position unless they have a death wish.
• I will see One Direction and Harry Styles will look at me and say, "Wow, you're beautiful. Want to hang sometime?"
• I will accept his offer.
• We will have sex

So there you go. All of these will happen next year. Are you excited? I am. 

AMA FASHION

On Sunday night, the 2013 AMA's took place in LA and I'm going to be Joan Rivers for a couple hours by judging a celebrity based on the clothes that they wore. Let's get on with it.

Katy Perry is wearing Oscar de la Renta and looks magical. Yes, it does look like a duvet print, but she is making her bed and sleeping in it (shit metaphor, I'm tired).

I really want Emma Roberts to be my friend. I love this Lanvin maxi-dress. In fact, I want it, and I'm a boy.

Lady Gaga wearing Versace (naturally). She look's really pretty, and maintained this in her costume changes throughout the night. I can't get over how much she looks like a young Donatella.

Kelly Osbourne in Rami Al Ali (I think). I don't know if I like this, or completely hate it. The silhouette is weird, and the top half of the dress is really unflattering. But it's cute in a prom-y way.

Ariana Grande in Dolce and Gabbana. Ariana is my favourite popstar of 2013 and this dress is perfect. She looks all woman and a total sexpot. Her stylist finally gets some praise from me. Congratulations, she doesn't look like a fetus.

Miley Cyrus is a simple Vercase Verses pantsuite. I like it. She looks older and more mature than usual, but it's cute. She is serving up executive realness.

Taylor Swift in Julien Macdonald. She looks amazing and I really want her legs. I wish she didn't have that nude triangle by her breasticles though. Would've looked a lot nicer without it.

LADY GAGA - ARTPOP REVIEW

Lady Gaga is finally becoming a force to be reckoned with. After every Madonna comparison, attention grabbing performance and questionable outfit, I feel like she wants to show the world who and what she is as an artist. She has reversed the work of Warhol by putting art into pop instead of pop into art which has constructed this roller coaster album experimenting with different sounds, genre's and themes. Working with producers like Zedd, DJ White Shadow, will.i.am and Madeon, and artists like Jeff Koons and Marina Abramovic, we're in for a treat both sonically and visually. Overall, I'd give this album a B+, but here is a graded track by track review for your pleasure.

1 - Aura (C+)


When this song originally leaked I thought it was bloody fantastic. I was wrong. It's a good song, don't get me wrong. The lyrics are good, especially the "do you want to see me naked lover" bit and the "Dance. Sex. Art. Pop. Tech" chant. But I find it quite a messy song. It's bizarre but a great introduction to a great album

2 - Venus (B-)

Even though not many people like this song, and a lot of people will judge me for giving this song a higher grade than Aura, I think this song is amazing. I saw her preform this song live at G-A-Y in London and it was very good,  I judge a song on how good I think it'll be live. I really like the bit when she names all the planets (including Pluto). It's good isn't it?

3 - G-U-Y (B+)

I was most excited to listen to this song because I fell in love with the snippet she released to get everyone hyped up about ARTPOP. This song is about sex, and it's a very sexy song about sex. The chorus is awesome and I want to have sex to this song immediately. Any offers? Zayn Malik? Zak Efron?

4 - Sexxx Dreams (A)

Another great song about sex. I think Lady Gaga really likes sex. Who wouldn't? Have you seen her boyfriend? But this song is for the lesbians. 'Poker Face' revisited, except a lot better. I really love the lyric "When I lay in bed, I touch myself and I think of you'. There's also an incredible bit in the song where she says "I can't believe I'm telling you this, but I've had a couple of drinks" and it sounds like all you need is alcohol for Lady Gaga to munch your muffin.

5 - Jewels n' Drugs (ft. T.I, Too Short and Twista) (D)

No. Just no. Pop stars should stay away from trap music as much as possible. It's nice to see some gangster rap artists collaborate with the Queen of the gays though.

6 - Manicure (B-)

This song reminds me of her first album The Fame so much. It's girly yet rock in a twisted way. The song is about being cured by a man in a sex way, which is nice. I really like the guitar riffed bridge in this song. Also, this is Adele's favourite if anyone is interested.

7 - Do What U Want (ft. R Kelly) (A+)

This is my jam right here. Two of my favourite artists have had musical intercourse and created this gorgeous baby. This song is about the tabloids not owning an artist for Lady Gaga but for R Kelly it's about sex, which is great for the whole 'ARTPOP could mean anything' concept. It's really catchy, so if you haven't listened to it (do you live under a rock?), be prepared.

8 - ARTPOP (B-)

We've made it to the title track. This song is beautiful. It's nice to see she's realised that you can't change the world with a song, even though she tried amazingly with the 'Born This Way' era. "ARTPOP could mean anything". It reminds me a little of Selena Gomez - Love You Like a Love Song, which I'm sure is unintentional, but I don't mind because that is a great song.

9 - Swine (C-)

This song is very lyrically weird. It's quite a 'banger' as Miley would put it. For some reason it reminds me of poppers, but I wouldn't want to have sex to this song because it's about pigs(ish). There is something good here though. I don't know what it is, but I feel it.

10 - Donatella (A)

Everyone who is reading this will probably judge me for giving this a high grade, but this song is so gay I just had to give it props. This song is an open letter to Donatella Versace but she is also making fun of fashion and model culture. My favourite line is "I am so fab, I'm blonde, I'm skinny, I'm rich and I'm a bit of a bitch." What more do you need in a song? Nothing.

11 - Fashion! (C)

Probably more of an album filler than a hit single. But I like this song because it's very chilled out. It reminds me of Daft Punk. I'm sure this song is a stoner favourite. Although, when I saw the track list for the first time, I was hoping that she'd re-release this song which featured in the film 'Confessions of a Shopaholic'.

12 - Mary Jane Holland (A+)

This song is brilliant. It's produced by Madeon who is my favourite DJ prodigy. When I heard he was going to be collaborating with Gaga on the album, I was so excited. He is a genius and Mary Jane Holland certainly showcases that. This song is about weed by the way. The bridge is bloody phenomenal with this amazing Abba vibe as pointed out by Popjustice. This song is my favourite from the album. Bravo.

13 - Dope (C+)

IT'S A FUCKING BALLAD ABOUT WEED. GREAT. But it's about how love is greater than any drug. GREAT. Probably related to her hot boyfriend again.

14 - Gypsy (A) (listen here)

I really like this song, a lot. Again, produced by Madeon, which is probably why. The song is about the lonely consequences of being famous and how the stage is her home, which is quite nice. She lists a lot of countries at the end which is also, quite nice.

15 - Applause (A-)
A great choice to end the album. Because you must clap at the end of every show.

KATY PERRY - PRISM REVIEW

After listening to Prism, I feel like Katy Perry has finally found herself as an artist. I was originally expecting quite a dark album after the whole divorce thing that happend, but was pleasantly surprised that even though her sound has changed, it's still Katy. It's an uplifting album with great, credible pop music. I will now take you on a journey through the album and express my opinion on each song (One way tickets only and they're non-refundable). I will be rating the songs like a teacher grades an essay because with my beautiful voice (sarcasm), I can only hope Katy see's me as a teacher, role model and best friend. So A+ means brilliant, and F means the biggest pile of bullshit I've ever heard (spoiler alert, there are no F's).

• Roar (A-)

The first single, the opening track and a great song. After listening to the whole album, you can tell she's been inspired by her support acts from the 'California Dreams Tour' (which was pretty amazing), Marina and the Diamonds, Robyn and Oh Land. Katy has embraced their left-field stance on popular music and brought it to the mainstream, which is bloody brilliant. But in terms of the song overall, it does what it says on the tin. A fierce, inspirational jam perfect for the gym, getting work done and anything else you need inspiration for.

• Legendary Lovers (B-)

 Even though I'm kind of over popstars sampling melodies from the East to be controversial, Legendary Lovers is a pretty good example of what it's like when it's done right. On my first listen, I thought this song was pretty shit, but I was wrong and I can only apologise. It's a very pretty song with probably my favourite vocals on the whole album.

• Birthday (D)

I'M SORRY I'M JUST NOT FEELING IT. But just because it's not my cup of tea, doesn't mean it can't be yours. What's peppermint to me, could be your Earl Grey. It sounds like a cheesy song that Butlins would use for their advertising campaign.

 

• Walking On Air (A+)

This song is my personal favourite of Prism and it should be yours too. Why? Well here is a list:

1. It is great for popping that pussy.
2. It has this amazing nineties vibe.
3. I'm almost 80% sure that this song is about anal sex.

If you don't believe me, have a listen. If you don't like it, you're wrong.

• Unconditionally (C-)

It's not that I don't like this song. I think it's a great song, it's sung beautifully and is probably one of the most relatable songs on the album. But I'm quite upset that Katy has chosen this to be the second single off the album. Which is why I decided to give it a C- when it's really a B. I'M BITTER. SO WHAT?

• Dark Horse (ft. Juicy J) (A)

 This is another favourite from the album. The whole 'trap' trend is so yawn, but I find this song bloody brilliant. I'm obsessed with Juicy J and the beats used are amazingly trippy. Even though I'm upset that he's the only collaboration on the album, it's a great collaboration and is not only making me excited to hear some of Juicy J's work but a perfect piece of Prism. Go on, have a listen. You won't regret it.

• This Is How We Do (C+)

 I think I like this song more than I should. It has so much sassitude (great made-up word). It's a very catchy tune and I particulary love the chorus, but I don't like the bit when she's talking to us. In fact I don't like it at all. Which is why I gave it a C+. I'm not a popstar so I can't really judge, but I would of loved this song a lot more without the 'inspiration voice over' BS. I still dig it though.

• International Smile  (B)

This sounds like a 'Teenage Dream' reject and I love it a lot. It's cute and I would love to see this song as a future single. It reminds me so much of Eurovision and the 'cabin crew' speech is the gayest thing you will hear on 'Prism' and I love it (unless 'Walking On Air' is ACTUALLY about anal sex).

•  Ghost (B-)

This song is probably about Russell Brand and you can tell from the start. The first couple of  seconds you'll probably eye roll and wonder why she's turned into Adele. But then the chorus hits us like Rik Waller at an all you can buffet. This song is amazing. I love it.

• Love Me (D)

This song is very chilling and the lyrics are quite nice but I'm not feeling it. Even though you can tell this is more of an album filler than a hit single, the bridge is great. I love the title because it certainly relates to my love affair with Zayn Malik, but this song is the 'basic bitch' in the High School of Prism.

• This Moment (C-)

 Quite a nice power ballad but again, I think we've certainly hit the 'album filler' section of Prism. You can tell that only the super fans of Katy Perry will be listening to this part of the album next year. That's not necessarily a bad thing because this song is cute.

• Double Rainbow (B)

I really like this song. Even though it probably won't be a single (but we can all dream). The lyrics are really pretty and the melodies are nice. I like the lyric 'One man's trash is another man's treasure'. Which is ironic because I'm sure most of you don't agree with my grading system throughout this review. OH WELL. THAT'S THE EDUCATION SYSTEM FOR YOU.

• By The Grace Of God (C)

This song is beautiful and I'm sure that it has a lot of fans. But I'm very tired and this is the last song I'm going to review. I'm getting quite sick of ballad-y songs. If you're going to have lots of slow songs, please don't put them one after the other. Spread them out like a sluts legs. People will lose interest. But this song is alright and a nice ending to the album.

Does size really matter?

The world of online dating has become literally, bonkers. People are becoming more and more picky when it comes to picking their future lover, whether they have to wear a uniform in the day or have a big dong. Yes, that's right, a big dong. I recently came across an advert for a new dating site specifically for people who like big dicks. You can find that website here (yes, it is called 7orBetter.com and I grant them 10 points for that name).

I never know how to feel about absolutely massive cocks or how anyone can have a fetish over it, especially if you're a gay bottom (I'M VERSITILE). Yes, I admit sometimes when I see one online (I'm not that lucky to experience the live show yet), I think to myself, 'Holy shit, that's beautiful.' Also, I don't know why but if I know someone has a big dick, I look at them as authoritative for some strange reason. I guess it's like dogs. You can't really call a chihuahua a dog, but you wouldn't fuck with a huge Rottweiler. On a purely visual level, looking at a big penis is like looking at the London's Gherkin, an absolutely beautiful landmark that makes you spew innuendo more than... well, I don't know the name of any other phallic landmark in the world that wouldn't scab your hole.

The question is, should the size of your chosen lover's penis be any different than having a preference over what colour eye's you prefer on your man or if you prefer Lady Gaga or Madonna? Due to the popular belief that 'bigger is better', you'd assume that people have every right to be picky with penises. But on the other hand, you can't change the size of your penis unless you get surgery and end up on a gone-wrong This Morning segment with Holly Willoughby uncontrollably laughing.

I think the answer to this not-so-important question is that it doesn't matter. It's what inside that matters. Dick size is only a tiny leaf on the oak tree of love.

ONLY KIDDING. WHERE'S THE BIG DICK AT?

On a serious note, life must be quite difficult if you have an insanely small penis. Especially if you're part of the gay community. A community that has welcomed me with open arms, but a community where appearance, confidence and semen are huge factors when it comes to love. All you have to do is visit douchebagsofgrindr.com to understand what it's like. I think people need to realise that whether they prefer a chopper or a chode, there is a human being attached to that penis they are scrutinising. What I'm trying to say is that I may prefer Lady Gaga, but I would never tell Madonna that.

MTV VMA's REVIEW (CAITLIN MORAN EDITION)

I woke up on Monday the 26th of August with a very bad hangover and 17 missed calls. Before sorting all that out, I naturally checked twitter to witness the best photo ever of Lady Gaga with One Direction at the MTV VMA's. This got me very excited to watch the actual show. I refused to watch any performance, tried my best not to look at any photos (very hard for a professional fan-girl), or look up who won what award. So I'm going to review the performances from the show and the fashion from the night.

PERFORMANCES

Lady Gaga opened the award show by performing her new single 'Applause' (watch it here) and it was a bloody good performance. I like how she incorporated every single album era that she's been through and ending it in the 'ARTPOP' era. The booing at the start also made me laugh a little, it was just a little 'fuck you' to all the hateful critics.

Miley Cyrus caused a bit of a stir by degrading the entire female population by wearing practically nothing whilst wanking off a Mickey Mouse finger and twerking against Robin Thicke's crotch (watch here). WE GET IT, YOU'RE GROWN UP. Don't get me wrong, I see nothing wrong with nudity. The human body is a beautiful thing and it should be embraced. I find it weird when people are uncomfortable by someones ass crack on TV. Gaga used nudity in her performance and I know I'm probably biased here, but it was tasteful. She looked like she was cut out of Botticelli's "The Birth of Venus." But Miley took it a bit too far. If Robin Thicke was absent from the performance and it was just Miley in that outfit, not as many people would of complained. It was just way too over-sexualised. It's a shame because I really like Miley and I think she has one of the most pure and unique voices in pop music.

Women in popular music are becoming way too slutty, and people find it inspiring because popstars are doing what they want to, when most of these ideas come from male propaganda. It's pretty much impossible to stop degrading women all together, especially in this sex obsessed culture. Over-sexualisation of women has become so extreme that it's time to fight fire with fire. We need to see men being treated the same way women are being treated in music, film and the media. It's unfair to be brainwashing certain traits, stereotypes and expectations to new generations.

Let's stop talking about vagina's for a moment, although it's going to be hard not to because mine was gushing last night during Justin Timberlake's performance (I really am a man, I swear). He won the lifetime achievement award which has something to do with Micheal Jackson for some reason that I do not know. Winning this award, he treated us with a fifteen minute performance of all his classics, three songs from his amazing new album and a little song with NSYNC. HE IS JUST THE BEST POPSTAR EVER ISN'T HE? I love him and want to marry him. Highlights include: The NCYNC reunion, Mirrors, Cry Me a River, My Love & Take Back the Night. Basically, the entire thing.

Now it's time to talk about my favourite part of the show. Macklemore & Ryan Lewis' performance of 'Same Love'. I'm obsessed with Macklemore. He's officially my favourite rap artist ever. The performance was amazing, the song is touching and has a meaning so close to my heart. It's nice to see that songs about gay rights are becoming mainstream. In fact it's amazing, especially in hip hop which is probably one of the most homophobic genre's of music. PLUS JENNIFER HUDSON CAME OUT AT THE END. FUCK. (watch here).

Katy Perry ended the show in front of the Brooklyn Bridge (watch here). Her vocals were on top form and it's so lovely to see that she's growing as an artist even though I'm going to miss that blue wig so much. Roar is an amazing song and I'm very excited to see the music video. Do not disappoint me Perry. I got my eye's on you.

FASHION

Best Dressed

Ellie Goulding (left), Selena Gomez (middle) and Taylor Swift (right).

Worst Dressed

Erin Wasson (left), Miley Cyrus (middle) and Katy Perry (right).

FASHION REVIEW: TEEN CHOICE AWARDS 2013

Last night the annual 'Teen Choice Awards' were held in Los Angeles and tweens and teen watched their favourite celebrities win pointless awards that means nothing compared to a Grammy. So I decided with my extent knowledge on fashion (This is sarcasm, I'm wearing a onsie), that I would review this years fashion fresh from the blue carpet. Also, this is my last year as a teenager so I want to eat this shit up before it becomes pathetic (I'm looking at you Perez Hilton).

Cher Lloyd wearing a two piece by 'The Hellers'. I REALLY like this. Is this outfit her public apology for 'Swagger Jagger'? If so, I formally accept this apology Cher.

You should not be wearing those trousers and it looks like you've put a button in the wrong hole on your blazer. The hair is okay though I guess. (Demi Lovato)

THEY ARE ALL SO CUTE I JUST WANT TO SWALLOW THEM WHOLE. But Perrie needs to understand that Zayn Malik is mine.

Miley Cyrus wearing Saint Lauren. I love it, but WE GET IT, YOU'RE A REBEL.

Oh my boys. You can all form a line and sit on my face. Harry, what is on your head? (One Direction, OBVZ)

Selena Gomez wearing Cushine et Ochs. I don't think I should like it, but I do. I DO.

Literal Pop Analysis: Best Song Ever.

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder." Therefore, I decided to turn into a failed pop star and hide away by not blogging for a while, only to have the blogging equivalent of a VMA performance comeback. I'm back and ready to review music because I am a globally known music journalist as most of you know (not really).

One Direction are back with a new single for their new film 'This Is Us'. Instead of being boring and saying whether the song is brilliant (it is) or not, I am going to analyse this song to death. Are you prepared? I feel like you're not. It is advised that you are sitting comfortably and if you're a straight girl or gay boy then put your hand down your crotch cause its One Direction time.

The song overall is pretty much standard One Direction. There's a lot of guitar and drum usage and it's about a girl (*eye roll*) they meet on a night out and they danced all night to a particular song they claim to be 'the best song ever'. Ironically they don't know it goes, but they do remember a certain part with no lyrical meaning (must of been a good night). Serious question time; thoughout their entire discography and song selection, do they sing about the same girl within a particular song? Are they sharing the same girl? Are they singing about individual girls? Is Zayn singing about that slag from Little Mix (I'm not bitter)? Is Harry singing about Caroline Flack? These are all questions that are gagging for answers.

Moving on. To make this a literal review we need to analyse the lyrics. Here is a bullet pointed list of some lyrics and what I think of them:

• "Said her name was Georgia Rose, and her Daddy was a Dentist." - Now, on a night out has anyone you've pulled EVER told you their parents career path? I feel like that would be maybe a second date statement. Also did she say this directly after she introduced herself as Georgia Rose? If so, that's ver strange isn't it?
• "Said I has a dirty mouth, but she kissed me like she meant it." - Ooh Harry, you saucy little minx.
• "I said can I take you home with me, she said never in your wildest dreams" - At least this bitch has morals, although who would say no to someone from One Direction? I take this whole 'moral' thing back. She's a stupid hoe. Also, this song is turning from a PG to a 12 very quickly, isn't it?
• "We danced all night to the best song ever, we knew every line, now I can't remember how it goes" -It probably wasn't that good then, was it?
• "I think it went Oh Oh Oh, I think it went Yeah Yeah Yeah" - Enough thinking. Uncle Jack is going to help One Direction remember this 'Best Song Ever', because it's annoying me that they don't know what it is.

JACK RATTENBURY'S 'BEST SONG EVER' SUGGESTIONS

 Maybe it was Lady Gaga's Oh Oh Oh's in 'Bad Romance' that got those gay boys dancing?

Maybe it was the Yeah Yeah Yeah's in Chris Brown's 'Yeah 3x'.

Maybe it's the magical Oh Oh Oh's in the better version of Pilot's classic 'Magic' by Selena Gomez.

Or maybe they were just playing with us, and they're talking about their new song 'Best Song Ever.'

There you have it. My literal, overly-analytical review of One Direction's new single 'Best Song Ever' (available on iTunes now) is over. Before I go, can we appreciate how amazing the video is. Zayn Malik, I have one thing to say to you.

Confidence can lead to a shag.

Our three day British summer has come and gone, the remains of my summer glow is slowly fading and I feel fucking fantastic. So my tan may have faded a little, but my post-British summer positive mental attitude is very much still intact. Funnily enough, the glow on my face made me confident which made me more attractive to boys. What are the chances? Who'd have known that all I needed was a bit of self-confidence and a smile to get more boys gathered around me like blind lesbians at the fish mongers. I am now (relatively) the 'Catch of the Day'.

Even though I am still nineteen years old, I have decided to rediscover my freshers youth. I had a bit of a dry spell when it came to going out clubbing as I would have much rathered staying in my little halls of residence room with a bottle of red wine and Netflix. I always got fucked up whenever I went out which would ruin my sleeping pattern until the next time I went out, which would repeat the process. So, I went a bit anti-student and had a little party detox, bar a couple of trips to G-A-Y, because no-one can say no to £1.70 a drink.

But I am still a teenager for one more year so I decided to act like it. When the sun came out, the alcohol cravings began. I got all my friends together and decided to get absolutely fucked. Living in London, I have no fucking idea what to do when a spontaneous alcoholic outing occurs. I find myself googling things like 'best student nights out in London' or 'the best gay nightclubs in London' and go from there. Even though this occasionally works sometimes, we usually end up in a familiar place where we always go. But this night was different.

"You know it's a straight club, right?" my friend asked. "Perfect," I replied. During this point in my life (a whole three weeks ago), I was going through this awkward relationship with someone and didn't know what to do. I wanted to go out and dance, not find a fuck, considering for the past couple of months before hand, I had retired my dancing shoes.

Drinking my bottle of Blossom Hill Pinot grigio rosé in my new black skinny jeans on the tube, I had never felt more excited/clASSy to get off my face. I had a summer glow and a new outfit causing me to walk into this night club like Roxxxy Andrews walking into the work space on RuPaul's Drag Race series five. I felt good, I was smiling and I wasn't even thinking about the end of night McDonald's, which is usually always on my mind.

Even though I promised myself to stay away from guys, the moment I walked into this club I noticed the cutest boy, around my age ordering a drink. About four hours later he was taking me home on the night bus. This usually never happens to me, and if it does, I usually blame it on the other person feeling sorry for my friends because I used to get too drunk. We didn't have sex, but we could of. In fact, with this relationship I'm currently in going a bit tits up, now I wish I did have a joint party in our pants.

The moral to this overly-long blog post is to have fun, feel confident and smile whenever jizz is involved. Being cute is a way of being (I'm being sarcastic, do whatever you want).

It's Not Me, It's Ru

It took me a very long time and a very stressful essay crisis to get into RuPaul's Drag Race. After seeing a whole lot of gays go crazy on tumblr and a lot of essay procrastination to do, I decided to dedicate a whole three days to television gold. A couple weeks later, and I've seen every single episode to every single series. I can't even imagine a world without a completely unnecessary but absolutely compulsory 'lip-synch for your life'. Questioning pronouns has never been a bigger part of my life and I absolutely love it.

I never understood the fascination with Drag Queens or why anyone would pay good money to see some man make some dick jokes, whilst miming to Britney Spears dressed as a woman. But now I am one of those people who recently bought a ticket for 'The Real Lady Boys of Bangkok' and cannot fucking wait to go. Of course, I cannot assume that every single gay person will love Drag Race, I'm sure a lot of them despise the show, but there is no denying that it has a huge impact on popular and gay culture. The Queens that enter end up preforming all over the world in gay clubs, pride parades and even festivals or big events. Even straight people love the show because it's probably the most competitive and entertaining reality television show out at the moment. All these Queens are desperate to win a life supply of make-up, a holiday and a hundred thousand dollars (who wouldn't?).

 Even though everyone is competitive, no-one takes it seriously. Not even Ru-Paul. It's honestly a bigger joke than Amanda Bynes' acting comeback. THEY LIP-SYNCH FOR THEIR LIVES GODDAMMIT. It's an obvious parody of Project Runway or Next Top Model, but in the best possible way. All the queens make their own clothes, they do their own make up, their hair always looks flawless. When you're watching it, it just feels like a big hug from Christopher Biggins. The endless puns, the one-liners, the catchphrases and the amazing bitchiness are the bait that will eventually reel you in. You will end up laying there with the fishy Queens at the fish market, in the metaphorical supermarket of RuPaul. Also, The false-sense of drama in this show is just so... lovely.

 It's the only reality TV show in the world not to give a fuck which makes us give a fuck. The winner may win a cash sum of $100,000, but even the winner will go back to performing in gay clubs after the show and everyone knows that. Yes, they will probably play the best gay night clubs in the world, but a night club is a night club. The show doesn't care if you don't know what 'ki-ki' or 'shade' means, because it's a show for gay people and gay lovers. The show is on the only US gay network 'Logo', and RuPaul is probably the only straight crossover hit on that network because it's pretty much amazing and there's this overwhelming hype. I can confirm that the hype, is infact, real. If you think I'm an idiot for loving this show, or have not seen one episode, clip or even GIF. I have two words for you.

FASHION REVIEW: MET GALA.

I'm sitting in my room wearing my Tigger pajamas, giving me avant-garde realness that makes me more than suitable to review the fashion mishaps at this years Met Gala. I'm not sure what exactly the Met Gala is but I think it's an exhibition/party that goes on every year and a lot of celebrities make too much effort to impress other celebrities. This years theme was punk, so I probably should add a playlist full to the brim of punk edginess, but I'm gay so that's not going to happen. So instead, here are some tunes that I love, that are closest to the genre 'punk' I will ever get.

OK SO HERE WE GO

 My head hurts hunny. I need some eye protection to look at you. It's cute though. (Beyoncé in Givenchy)

It's so nice to see the winning horse from this years Grand National has become quite the socialite. Looks like he's had some work done on his mane too. (Sarah Jessica Parker in Giles Deacon and Phillip Tracey)

That baby needs to come out of her fucking womb so she can look cute wearing clothes again. (Kim Kardashian in Riccardo Tisci)

Honestly, I just screamed with terror. (Madonna in Givenchy)

WE GET IT. YOU'RE A 'REBEL' (Miley Cyrus in Marc Jacobs)

Sign my adoption papers already. This is how Miley Cyrus SHOULD look. PS Your tits are almost out. (Anne Hathaway in Valentino)

She doesn't look half bad for once. In fact, if I was on RuPaul's Drag Race, I would work this dress. (Katy Perry in Dolce and Gabanna) 

Speaking of RuPaul's Drag Race. Why was Roxxxy Andrews there? She didn't even win. (JLo in  Micheal Kors)

She looks confused. So do I. (Gwyneth Paltrow in Valentino Couture) (That was very sexy to type)

Dealing with Panic Attacks and Anxiety

This is going to be a different blog post to what you're used to, but I hope that this will help at least one person because anxiety is one of the most horrible psychological feelings you can go through. If you're kind enough to read my blog whenever I create a new post, you know me as the teenage alcoholic going through a late-teen crisis when it comes to love and Zayn Malik obsession. But all my life I've suffered with mild anxiety and over the past couple weeks, I've been having real bad panic attacks and feel like I'd share with you how I cope with it.

A lot of people assume that if you're confident or happy for the majority of the time you're with that person, that you're confident and happy 100% of the time, have no self esteem issues and are pretty much stable. But there are a lot of dark, stormy clouds in the metaphorical summer of the mind. Anxiety and panic attacks are terrifying. Talking about them is terrifying. Blogging about this makes me feel uber uncomfortable because thinking about panic attacks makes me, well, panic.

I'm not exactly sure what triggered my anxiety, and I can't remember my first panic attack. But recently, I've had panic attacks that last for hours in little spurts. I feel alone during this time, even if I have friends around me supporting me. I feel alone and scared. You get really warm and start sweating like a menopausal bitch, but at the same time you can feel coldness. It's very unpleasant and once they start, all sorts of emotions and feelings like adrenaline, illness and unhappiness all come at once. I wouldn't even wish for Spencer from Made in Chelsea to have a panic attack (but I would punch him in the face).

Panic attacks feel like they are cock blocking your life. You want to do things, but are scared to do them just in case you have a panic attack. If you've had a panic attack in a certain place, you're more likely to have a panic attack in a similar situation. So you need to try and break the mold. Go to these places with people that love you and hold their hand. If it's a nightclub, go to a nightclub sober with friends until you're comfortable enough to get shitfaced and not have a panic attack. Personally, for me I used to have them in primary school all the time, or just randomly when I go to sleep.

The main thing you need to do if you're having a panic attack is contact someone. If you're with a friend, tell them immediately. If you're not, go to get your phone and ring someone. A familiar voice or face can really help you keep calm. But the person with you has to stay calm also. They should never be forceful or make assumptions about your needs. The person just needs to ask every now and again if you're feeling okay. If you're with someone having a panic attack, be calm, be supportive and reassuring.

Panic Attacks will not ruin your life if you don't make them. You can let them be a huge part of your life or you can do something about it. If you need help and suffer with really bad panic attacks, make sure you go and see a doctor, even if you're not sure. There are drugs that can help you and even though it is classed as a 'mental illness', it does not make you abnormal or anything of the sort. Panic attacks are actually a lot more common than people think and there are a lot of people that have severe anxiety. There are therapy groups or personal therapy that can make a huge difference in helping you cope with anxiety. Exercise isn't really a word in my vocabulary, but sometimes if I feel a bit panic-y then I go for a jog around the block. Get something to take your mind off things. Most importantly, do not do this alone. Do not lock yourself in your room and stay away from things that you think may trigger a panic attack. Surround yourself with lovely people and talk to them about it. They WILL be a lot more understanding than you think they will.

This blog post was really hard for me to post and I am very sorry for not being up-to-date on my blogging. It's been a hard couple of weeks but I promise to be blogging about fashion and crotches on a more than weekly basis very soon. If this helps even one person I will not regret posting this as it's been a very hard hour and a half behind this computer screen. If you go through some of the things I've talked about and don't know who to talk to, please don't hesitate to ask me something on my Tumblr or direct message me on my Twitter. In the words of Micheal Jackson, you are not alone.

FASHION REVIEW: MTV Movie Awards.

We live in a world where the biggest music television network have their own award ceremony devoted to cinema. So naturally, I'm going to review the fashion antics from Sunday's show.

Selena Gomez looking lovely in Julien Macdonald. She looks so pretty. Ugh, if I was straight this would go straight into my wank bank (is that what the straight youth say?).

Emma Watson in Maxime Simoëns (I think). When you don't have tits, you don't want such a large cleavage gap. Pretty dress though.

SUPER CASUAL. I'd still do him. (It's Eddie Redmayne if you're not gay/a girl)

Oh. My. God. (It's Ke$ha if you don't like techno yodeling)

Kim Kardashian proving she does not look nice pregnant. Again.

Kylie in Paco Rabanne. Ugh I love her, but her belly button looks freakishly high up from where it should be.

My spirit animal, Rebel Wilson wearing an Adidas tracksuit. Can I be friends with you please?

Thoughts on Thatcher

Former British PM Margaret Thatcher passed away yesterday after a stroke. I have always had an adoration for this woman as well as a gut hate. She brought hope and aspiration to many girls and women, who were told to look after the home and make sure the paper was on the desk, that dreams can come true. You can be the Prime Minister. On the other hand, she was seen as unfair to the poor and industrial industries of the UK, she got rid of child benefits, and even though I think she dealt with situations the wrong way by doing too much too fast. What she did had to happen eventually, and we can see with the current government that her methods are being repeated to help the economy, for example, the bedroom tax. Thatcherism may not be popular, but some people see it as an affective way to sort things out.

Coming from an industrial town myself, I understand why people are happy about her death. Everyone is proud of where they come from and an industry can represent a community. But I don't think that her death should be celebrated. This woman shaped our country and without Thatcher, I believe gender roles would of taken a whole lot longer to break. Men would be men, and women would be women. Do we want all me to dominate the industrial and business industries and women to stay at home. Even though she wasn't really a feminist, she did a whole lot for women. She set the bar for doing whatever the fuck you want because that's what you want to fucking do.

Even though a lot of people haven't forgiven Thatcher and I completely understand why. Yesterday was a sad day for Britain. We lost our first and only female Prime Minister. One in five MP's are female, which too me and a lot of people is ridiculously low, and a whole lot of them think Margaret Thatcher set the bar for females in politics.

I'm very sorry for getting all serious on your asses but I promise I'll start talking about One Direction's crotches very soon.

Why Pitbull is the Judas of the Music Industry.

Judas's betrayal of Jesus was part of the prophecy. Just like Pitbull's music is part of the prophecy of pop music. Jesus foresees Judas's betrayal, making betrayal not an act of free will (in my opinion), therefore should not be punishable. So as bad as his music can be, people should back off Pitbull. His music may not be the best, but can we really hate someone who samples A-Ha's "Take On Me"? No.

Without Pitbull, I think we can all agree that we'd feel comfortable watching a post-come back Jennifer Lopez music video. But without him we wouldn't have decently sung verses, choruses or bridges by Christina Aguilera, Ne-Yo, Marc Anthony  or Shakira. We'd just have a creepy bald man who resembles the actual cartoon mole rat from 'Kim Possible', rapping about the club even though he looks like he's in his mid-40's (he's actually 31).

So instead of hating Pitbull, I call for an intervension. We will not praise nor hate the artist with the name Pitbull. We will respect him for collaborating with brilliant popstars who may need a bit of promotional help with future albums (*cough* Christina Aguilera *cough*), because even though his music is below average on my scale of brilliant pop music, the radio plays the shit out of him.

For those of you who would like to respect the modern-day Judas, here is a Spotify playlist I made completely wasted full of Pitbull songs I probably love when I'm drunk.

FASHION REVIEW: BUSTED

I really like talking about celebrity fashion, and by that I mean judging the fuck out of clothes worn by people I will never meet. So I think I'm going to start and do this monthly with a different theme each time. You know, for the shits n' gigs. At the begining of this week, Lindsay Lohan went to court and got sent to rehab, so naturally this months theme is THE LAW! Here are some celebrities going to court and some comments on their clothes. To make this a more riveting experience, here's a playlist of some law/drug/government themed songs. Such fun.

Linsday Lohan turning up to court on Monday. I've never seen so many layers on this bitch before. Her poor vagina must be confused.

It looks like Tulisa either has a small penis, or just did a fanny fart. Either way she looks kinda pretty. Shit hair though.

Why isn't Naomi Campbell a Dame yet? FIERCE.

Oh no Cheryl. Carrie Bradshaw would not approve, and neither would the 2013 Cheryl Cole.

Every time I see a picture of either one of them, I want them to jump off something very high. She looks like a hill-billy Oompa Loompa on stilts and he looks Constipated. (Katie Price and Peter Andre)

HAVE A FUCKING BURGER! (Paris Hilton)

It's only right we finish where we started. Lindsay Lohan channeling her inner Marilyn. Very clASSy.

Girls are not Aloud.

I can't speak french comprehend how saddened I am about Girls Aloud officially splitting up. Soon after their last tour date in Liverpool last night, a tweet appeared on the Girls Aloud twitter saying:

" Dear Alouders, we just want to say from the bottom of our hearts Thank you!! This tour has been an amazing experience and the perfect chance to say thank you for being on this journey with us through a decade. It has far exceeded any of our dreams and we hope we are forever your inspiration and reminder that dreams really do glitter!! Your love and support will stay with us forever but we have now come to the end of our incredible time together . Love you lots."

So I would just like to say on behalf of all the gays, girls and straight men who love pop music. We love you too.  The pop world will be a very upsetting place without you because lets face it, you had some UNTOUCHABLE tunes. I have three words for you. Call. The. Shots.

There's no denying that the girls are going to be fine on their own. They're all fucking minted. Plus all of the girls except Sarah, have released solo music and in my opinion, they should carry on. Some better (Cheryl and Nicola) than others (Nadine and Kimberly). It's time for SOMETHING NEW from the girls (I'm sorry).

Here is a Spotify playlist of my favourite Girls Aloud songs (basically all the singles plus 'On The Metro' twice).