Merry Christmas blogger buddies!

Sorry I haven't been updating this thing as much as I said I would over the past few weeks. It is the festive season after all. So now that Christmas is practically over (Only 2 more hours left of Jesus being exactly one year older than he was last year), I should become more engaged in writing and keeping the internet updated on my not so interesting life.

Well Christmas was lovely as per usual. Waking up relatively early to open presents with the sister, bacon sandwiches for breakfast (with fancy Tesco finest bread this year, thank you very much), playing with my favourite present (my kindle) for at least 2 hours before sitting down for a marvelous three course festive fiasco with awful jokes and pigs wrapped in more pigs, which I think is an odd yet delicious concept. Who ever thought of wrapping sausage in bacon is the love child of Einstein and Hitler. Imagine if the sausage was the mother piggy and the bacon was the baby piggy. I feel as though I'm going into this way too much so I'm going to stop talking about pigs in blankets and move onto the touchy topic of pathetic cracker jokes. Today I think I possibly read the worst excuse of a joke to ejaculate out of a cracker. On that patronising little piece of paper it read (and I kid you not):

Q: Why was Santa scared to leave a little girls house after delivering his gifts?
A: Because it was raining.

Now correct me if I'm wrong but that joke it's not funny in any fucking way. The person who wrote the joke should be fired immediately. I guess that's what you get for purchasing the lower brand Christmas crackers.

Every Christmas I remember how blessed I am. Not that I'm some person who takes everything for granted and should be named and shamed on MTV's 'My Super Sweet Sixteen' (best theme song ever by the way). But Not only did I had a lovely day with people who love me, but they gave me presents. Including a toastie maker, expensive smelly things and a kindle fire (which I'm currently using to write this blog post). Because I felt so warm inside I decided to give some money to the charity Barnado's which is a non-profit organisation that helps children in homes, children with disabilities, children getting bullied, ect. So I'm leaving you with an end message to give if you can and have a lovely Christmas because I'm needed for a late night family game of monopoly.

Merry Christmas you filthy animal.

Halfway to Heaven.

It's another hangover post (are you surprised?) and I'm currently with a slice of toast which has a thin slice of cheese on top. It is like the mother fucking Moses of my life right now as I feel like my entire body has just collapsed through my arse (or if you're American, ass. Yes that right I just went multi-cultural on you).

Anyway, my best friend from Wales is in town this week and we decided to hit SoHo, aka the best place to ever exist. We went to G A Y bar and literally had one drink before we decided to go to Heaven. This morning I've been having several flashbacks including using a traffic cone as a penis whilst I wait for my friends to cross the road, having a three way kiss, losing my wallet, going absolutely ape shit when Miriah Carey came on (All I Want For Christmas thank you very much) and having someone else put their hand down the rear of my trousers without permission. I don't understand why people want to give you a boner in a club. It's not cute and if 90210 has taught me anything it's to always be cute and never be a slut. Although I would say I'm never cute and always a slut, but I try not to be. Honest.

Just thought I share that with you until I think of something interesting to write about.

MY BIG THING OF THIS WEEK.

Obviously it's Ke$ha. You can buy her new album 'Warrior' here if you enjoy talking/rapping/yodeling to electronic music. Y'all know I do.

I need to get drunk because sex is gross.

I recently came across this study that has shown being sexually aroused overrides feelings of disgust, meaning that you'd much be inclined to do something that you usually find repulsive when you're feeling horny minus your boner. In the study they used porn and something disgusting, (for example, Sex Toy Story 3 and wiping their hands with a used tissue). The people who watched the porn were then more likely to do the horrible task than the people who didn't watch porn. Even though this is completely true, I feel like alcohol has become more of a helping hand when it comes to, well, hand jobs.

Over the past couple of days I've realised that alcohol and being horny cancels out the disgusting state of the toilets in a concert arena I once gave someone a blowjob in (don't judge), or how I managed to sleep with someone so nauseatingly stupid that he didn't even understand what 'jounalism' meant, or how I managed to watch an entire episode of 'The Only Way is Essex' (joking).

But this has also made me worry a tiny bit, because I think whether you're turned on or off should determine if you're up for some bum, and not alcohol. I've always had quite an active social life ever since I can remember, and having been single for a while now, I've been having more one night stands (we've all had them, or will have one soon). I'm not having loads, just once a month or even every two. Usually when I meet the boy I'm going to have a one night stand with, I'm absolutely shit faced and scared I might spew up my sambuca if he's into oral. I'm afraid that vodka has become some sort of social and sexual lubricant that I'm going to need for sex with a future lover that won't be a one night thing.

So this is a little memo to Jack saying that sober sex might be shit, but try it out some time.

Writers block.

I am dearly sorry I haven't updated this in like a week. The fact is that this week hasn't been very interesting. But this morning I woke up to a bed full of sick and empty bottles of wine all over the place. So I thought I'd let you know. Can't remember much of last night and drinking is obviously not worth the hassle because I spent most of the day, with my head down the toilet.

Moving on. Happy December to all. Tis the month to get all Christmassy, or as I say it, Christmasassy. I have recently spent £4 on tinsel and baubles which has resulted in a messy Christmas fiasco which is my room. My mother also bought me a Dairy Milk advent calendar. I'm not being funny, but Dairy Milk is the most boring advent calendar out there in my opinion. I was hoping for a Milybar calender of advent, or maybe Malteaser. But no. Dairy fucking Milk. Just realised how boring the last couple of sentences were and I am deeply apologetic and hope you accept my 'Big Thing of the Week' as some sort of conscience-stricken gift.

This week my big thing of the week is (Drumroll please).........

DAILYGRACE!

Daily Grace is a YouTube sensation who creates daily vlogs (like blogs, but videos. Magic), and here is one of her videos to tempt you to check her out!