Love, dating and my sad, pathetic life.

For those who are new to this blog. Hello. I'm Jack. I'm 18 and I'm married to Shannen Doherty from the original Beverly Hills, 90210 with three kids. Well, this is not strictly true, although the essay I wrote when I was ten predicted I'd be married to a woman by 21, have a son at 24 and twin girls by the time I'm 30. Alas, I am a gay dude who's Facebook relationship status is single, and I have two years to find and marry Shannen Doherty.

Despite my desperation to find Zayn Malik, I've only ever had two gay relationships. One ended before coming to university last Summer, and the other with vodka (we're on a break, after what I can only describe as the worst hangover ever, sent from Hell) (I assume vodka is a boy, because it's so damn delicious). Because of my break-up with a boy I thought I'd be with for a long time ended, my bed has become my loving husband, and Netflix my harsh dominatrix of a mistress, demanding I devote all my time to watching The Hills and Jerseylicious (don't judge me).

The problem is I've not been a very good dater. The other night I decided to take someone out on a date. I was in charge of location, time, etc. and to be quite honest, it was lovely. We went for street food in Camden, followed by a cupcake accompanied walk to Primrose Hill, where we enjoyed hot chocolate and a chat, with the most amazing view of the London skyline. But now I don't know what to do or what to say.

I've spent nearly my entire teenage years in relationships with Troy Bolton, Justin Timberlake and Zack Morris from Saved by the Bell. My teenage years are almost over. I want to find someone that I can be myself around, have sexy times with, and do crosswords with whilst drinking a bottle of red. I really don't think I'll find this relationship in SoHo on a night out with my girls and gays. The only relationship you'll form from a night out in SoHo is with gonorrhea.

My problem is obvious. I'm not making the most of what I get. Cupid shoots the arrows and I go to surgically remove them. But I think this applies to all gay men. I've had two sexual experiences since coming to university. One of them included me bringing someone back to mine. It was just before Christmas and I really liked this person. I even cooked him oven chips for Christ's sake. If that doesn't scream true love, then I don't know what does. After getting the undercooked crumbs of the McCoys oven chips all over my sheets, we got a little frisky and had the best sleep ever resulting in a late for lecture fiasco with a quick digit exchange. After that, I didn't hear from him, and he didn't hear from me (if you're reading this, it's a bit fucking late now, and my apologies for not texting you). Maybe it's just my destiny to become a cat lady, which is fine and dandy with me because I spend 20% of my time youtubing cat videos, and another 20% looking for cat GIFS on tumblr. That's 40% guys. 40%.

This sad and pathetic blog posts calls for an intervention. I, Jack Rattenbury, am going to go on a second date this week. It's what Dame Lauren Conrad would want.

LET'S REVIEW THE BRIT AWARDS FASHION!!

The Brit Awards were held on Wednesday and to be honest, they were pretty shit. But there were some pretty dresses, and here is my judgement which you probably don't care about.

Here is Taylor Swift wearing one of my favourite outfits of the night. Hot diggigy gurl. You look fierce. Love how it's really classy but slutty at the same time. YOU GO TAY TAY.

Jessie J taking her song 'Do It Like A Dude' to a completely new level in Versace.

Paloma Faith in Dolce and Gabbana. Ugh I fucking love her so much. I adore this dress and I adore her. All hail Paloma Faith. *Tries to think of another way to say I love Paloma Faith.*

She is like a zit on your back that you can't reach, but the dress is okay. Emelie Sande, cannot find who she's wearing anywhere.

My mouth always bursts wide open whenever I see a picture of these boys, and not in shock. GIVE ME UR COCKS. One Direction looking gorgeous on the Brit red carpet.

Jessie Ware wearing Miu Miu. Ugh, she looks so amazing. I love the cropped top A LOT and the detail on the sleeve is a nice touch. So excited to see this bitch at Bestival. She can ditch that bag though.

Alexa Chung in Valentino. Before I start on the outfit, please get smaller shoes. Maybe I would like this if everyone else wasn't so dressed up. But I really don't. Can we all have a collective EW on three? 1.. 2.. 3.. 'EW'. Thank You. Kind Regards.

Lana Del Rey in Chanel. SO CUTE, but way too casual for the Brits. Plus she looks like she just saw her own dog be brutally murdered.

Justin Timberlake in Tom Ford. FUCK ME.

Rita Ora wearing Ulyana Sergeenko. I DO NOT KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT THIS DRESS. One side of my brain is telling me to be sick, but the other part tells me that she looks nice. Maybe she just pulls it off pretty well. Jesus, I need to go to church.

MY THING OF THE WEEK (Which isn't weekly anymore)

When I thought about doing this segment, I thought that it would be a very easy thing to do if I can't think of anything to write or I haven't had time to write anything good. But in fact, I was wrong, because this segment really isn't that interesting. A stranger that you hardly know telling you what they like suggesting that you check it out. It is pretentious as it sounds (who am I, Perez Hilton?). So this marks my last ever 'Thing of the Week (that isn't really weekly),' and this week it is (drum-roll please).

THE FOALS NEW ALBUM (I'm sorry gays). I hate myself for liking this. Here is one of my fave songs from the new album 'Holy Fire' (and their new single), called 'My Number'.

You're welcome.

Review: The 55th Annual Grammy Awards 2013.

Last night I got a bit too gay with the BAFTA's and The Grammy's on back to back. I got very excited and tweeted way too much but whatever. I'm going to review the Grammy's now.

Taylor Swift opened the show with this weird mad hatter shit that was really unnecessary. Ever since she's changed from country to pop she's gone all Gaga, which you'd think I'd be fine with. But I'm not. She also said something in a British accent which everyone thinks has to do with the Harry Styles breakup. If that is the case; Bitch please. You do not know who you're messing with.

'Best Pop Solo Performance' went to Adele which is not hard to believe, although 21 was released two fucking years ago, so the Grammy's really need to get out of Adele's vagina. But Adele's acceptance speeches always make me smile. You can take the girl out of Essex, eh? Plus she needs a new stylist because I don't know what she was wearing, but my mother has the exact same bedsheets at home. We'll get into style and fashion later.

Ed Sheeran and Elton John sang 'The A Team' together which would of been nice if they didn't. Ed Sheeran is basically the Cookie Monster with syphilis and heartache. I'm glad he didn't win a Grammy because if he did, he would of thought he's done something right, *waits for white teenage girls to hit me with their Starbucks card*. Fun. also sang which was quite nice because they didn't sing We Are Young. They also won two Grammy's which is again quite nice, because in 2012 the radio really wanted us to like Fun.

Miranda Lambert and Dierks Bently entertained the entire state of Texas, and Texas only, trying to make country music happen (Taylor Swift tried and she gave up). Although I've got to say I am a huge Carrie Underwood fan after last night. Her performance was properly amazing with the cool, projector dress thing going on. Carrie Underwood also won a Grammy for country solo performance. Mumford and Sons sang which was cool, but American's categorise them as rock. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't see Mumford as a rock band. When was the last time you saw Bruce Springsteen with a banjo?

The Grammy for urban contemporary album went to Frank Ocean's "Channel Orange." FUCK YEAH. FUCK YOU CHRIS BROWN. It was totes awks (totally awkward for people who don't speak white). Chris Brown and Frank Ocean in the same category. Frank Ocean had a little bandage around his finger. Frank Ocean won. Chris Brown was the only one in the room who didn't stand up. Frank Ocean had to walk past Chris Brown to accept his award. Frank Ocean had to do a speech knowing that everyone was thinking about their brawl. It was intense. Or maybe I'm thinking way too much into it because this paragraph is bigger than any other in this post, and it's only about Frank Ocean winning a Grammy. Maybe I should stop, but not before I say how happy I am Frank won. "channel ORANGE" was, and forever will be my favourite album of 2012 (I'm sorry Taylor Swift :( )

Justin Timberlake performed and it was fucking amazing. Ellen Degeneres and Beyonce introduced him on stage and every gay man in the world was fangirling for this amazing pairing. As Beyonce put it “This performance marks the return of a man born to make music.”And it sure did.

I'm going to stop going into detail now because I'm probably boring you, so in short here are some thing's I liked.

• Rihanna's performance
• The fact 'No Church in the Wild' won best collaboration
• PRINCE PRESENTED AN AWARD!!
• The Bob Marley tribute was nice, but no-one was smoking weed :(
• Album of the Year went to Mumford and Sons
• Frank Ocean's performance
• This photo

Now I'm going to show you a photo of the Best Dressed and the Worst Dressed with some runners up without photo's because that's the way I role.

BEST DRESSED

1. Kelly Rowland (GURL, YOU HAWT)
2. Rihanna (I can see you're nipples, and I like it)
3. Taylor Swift (Gets better every award show)

WORST DRESSED

1. Florence Welch (You look like fucking Reptar)
2. Adele (I'm sorry. I got excited when someone said you were wearing red, then you looked like a lampshade)
3. Carly Rae Jepsen (You looked like a sack of spuds love :( )

I guess it's time to review some BAFTA fashion.

 

(David Attenborough voice) Here we have the only woman I'd turn straight for, in her natural habitat. Maybe I'm biased, but there are no flaws to be seen here. Anne Hathaway in a lovely Burberry frock. Gay men and straight women are questioning their private parts right now.

 Bradley Cooper can sit on my face and paddle my ears. Lovely Ferragamo suite too. Can we all have a collective 'Mmmm' please and thank you.

 

The best couple ever (Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton) looking slightly weird, but wonderful as always.

 

 Eddie Redmayne could punch me in the face, covered in shit and I would still get a raging boner from looking at him

Carrie Bradshaw would not approve. Looks like Sarah Jessica Parker wasn't one of the horses found in the Tesco value burgers.

 Samantha Barks was amazing in Les Miserables, she was born to be Eponine, but EW EW EW EW. Such a basic dress, her feet look weird and what the fuck is up with her hair? I know it was raining but get a fucking umbrella.

I love her, but she really needs to stop praising the rain. I WANT SOME SUN. (Helen Mirren)

So I'd give the fashion at the BAFTA's a 6/10 stars. Everyone looked lovely (ish), but did someone die? What's up with all the black? Whatever, I'm going to eat doritos now.

What I liked and what I didn't like - Beyonce's halftime show.

WHAT I LIKED

• The promotion

 

•  This

• When she danced with lots of Beyonce

• The Holy Trinity inclusion

• Treating them like backup singers and backup dancers

•  SHE SANG BABY BOY

• All the fucking fire

• Whipping her fans with her hair, because peasants can't touch her face.

 WHAT I DIDN'T LIKE

•  It was way too short
• There were only two special guests
• Michelle Williams is still around
• It was very short
• The opening act
• No new single
• It was short
• 10 FUCKING MINUTES????